54. Chapter 53
Chapter 53
Finnley
The coffee in my mug has gone cold. Just like everything else in my life since the day Tristen came to town and annihilated the happy bubble Hudson and I had been living in. He and Paige left the townhouse four days ago, I’m assuming to stay at the ranch. I’ve been staying at the B&B in one of the guest rooms, so Allie and Skye can keep their hours and use the caretaker’s quarters. There’s no reason they should lose out on money because my life is in shambles.
I can’t be in that empty house, anyway. All I see when I’m there are the things I lost when I drove away from the love of my life.
Hudson texts or calls every day, multiple times. I should answer, let him know I’m ok. But I can’t, and I’m not. Hearing his voice when it’s this fresh isn’t a good idea. This place is the only thing keeping me sane right now. Its name isn’t lost on me. Timber Haven has been exactly that the last few days. I feel better here. Not content and not ok, but better.
Wren’s called a couple of times, and by extension, Ginger. Even Nat, Norah, and Hales have checked on me. I haven’t told any of them much. After the initial shock of finding out we’re married, they probably have whiplash from hearing he’s moved out.
As far as I know, Tristen is still in town, and that makes my stomach sick. I don’t know what her game plan is, but if I know her, she’s trying to weasel her way back into Hudson’s life. I feel horrible because he's still my person, and I’d normally be the one he talks through this stuff with, but he’s so much more than that now. I don’t know how to navigate this new normal. So, I’m being super grown-up about it and avoiding him altogether.
It’s not fair to him. He doesn’t deserve to be shut out. Still, it takes a monumental effort to not pick up when he calls. At night, I read and reread all his texts, hanging on to them like a lifeline, while I sob into my pillow and try to think of ways to go back to how things were before I left myself fall in love with my best friend.
My eyes are unfocused, staring into the mug on the table in front of me, when Skye comes into the kitchen. “Finnley?” she asks from the doorway. Bringing my eyes to hers, I try to force a smile on my lips, but it doesn’t come.
“Hey, Skye. Did you need something?” I say, standing from the table in the small kitchen to dump my coffee into the sink. “
“Hudson is here,” she says softly, and I stiffen at her words. Instinctively, I reach for my necklace. “I wasn’t sure if…” she trails off.
Just like Hudson’s family, neither Skye nor Allie know anything about what happened between us. But me moping around here every day with red-rimmed eyes and sleeping in one of the guest rooms probably gives them some idea.
“Do you want me to tell him you’re busy?” Her voice is low, like she’s trying not to spook me, as she comes further into the kitchen.
I turn on the faucet and run water in my mug before stacking it in the dishwasher. “No, it’s ok. I’ll be right out. Thank you, Skye.”
“I’ll let him know. He’s on the porch, ok? ”
Once she’s gone, I pull in a steadying breath and lean against the kitchen counter, letting my eyes slide closed. Just the fact that he’s standing outside, too nervous or hurt to come in makes my skin itchy. How did we get here?
The second I step into the entry, I can see him standing on the porch, just beyond the closed screen door. His hands are in the pockets of his basketball shorts and a dark blue T-shirt stretches across his broad shoulders. My chest aches at just the sight of his back. It’s been literal years since I haven’t at least spoken daily to him on the phone, and over two months since we’ve spent more than a day or two apart. So, seeing him after so many days is like coming up for air.
My breath hitches in my chest and my eyes immediately fill with tears. It’s incredible how much I miss him and how just a glimpse of his back has my heart racing and my skin prickling in anticipation of his touch.
I don’t know if I can do this.
Still, I push open the screen door and step out on the porch. He turns when he hears me, and when our eyes connect, I almost lose my resolve. He looks exhausted, his hazel eyes haunted and mirroring mine. They’re rimmed with red, as well, and it’s clear he hasn’t been sleeping, if the dark circles under them are any indication. He’s still the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. My heart squeezes in my chest and my hands ache to touch him.
“Hey,” I say, and it comes out as little more than a whisper.
“Hey, babe,” he says, his voice raw with emotion. He swallows hard. “Sorry for just showing up, but you’re not answering my messages.”
I nod and will my lungs to pull in and push out air.
In. Out.
In. Out.
I open my mouth to apologize for ghosting him, but I don’t trust my voice. It’s already a fight to keep my tears back. So, I close it and look down at my hands. He waits for me to say something, but when I don’t, he runs a hand through his hair with a sigh.
“I just needed to see you, to make sure you’re ok. You haven’t gone home,” he says.
I shake my head.
He searches my face. “We’re staying at the ranch. You should go home, Finn.”
I find my voice, and it sounds so sad. “You didn’t have to leave.”
“I didn’t want things to be awkward for you. This shit is…complicated enough.”
I wince at his word choice. With us, everything is complicated now.
“Anyway, I know it’s gonna take a while before...” he sucks in a deep breath, looking away. “You know what, it doesn’t matter.” His jaw ticks and his eyes find mine.
My breath hitches. What doesn’t matter? Us? It doesn’t matter that when I do go home, I’ll be all alone again? It doesn’t matter that I won’t come home to Paige at the counter making necklaces or coloring on the back patio? It doesn’t matter that he won’t be there to make me laugh or kick my ass at chess? It doesn’t matter that he won’t have me to come home to, to tell about his day, or laugh with me about something off-the-wall that Paige says? It does matter?
It all matters. But I don’t say any of those things.
“How’s Paige?” I ask instead. I miss her so much. Her laughter, her silliness. Her skinny-armed hugs.
A fresh wave of tears threatens to pour out of my eyes when he smiles slightly, some of the light coming back to his eyes.
“She’s good.” He nods, then looks down at the porch briefly, maybe not sure what else to say. “Adjusting. ”
Adjusting to what, exactly? Is she adjusting to no longer being at my place and being at the ranch? Maybe their family being back together? I can’t help the words that come out next. “And Tristen?”
His head snaps up, his eyebrows coming together over his green-gray irises, and he nods once. “She got what she came for.”
His words knock the wind out of me, and my bottom lip quivers before I clamp it between my teeth to stop it. “Ok.”
My mind screams at me to ask him what that means—to ask him to clarify, to give me something —but deep down, I’m terrified to know. I can’t imagine a world where he would ever take her back, and maybe it’s my abandonment issues talking, but it’s better if I don’t know. At least for right now. If there is any hope of us remaining friends, I’ll know soon enough. But I don’t think my heart can take one more blow.
Hudson clears his throat, drawing my attention back to his eyes. “I should go. Tristen’s flight is leaving soon.”
My eyes snap to his and hope sparks to life in my belly. “She’s leaving?”
He nods. “Yeah.”
I pull in a lungful of air, wishing her departure changed everything. I’m relieved, but Tristen was never the reason we couldn’t be together.
Hudson looks torn between leaving and saying more. “I know you said you wanted space, and I respect that. I just…wanted to see you.” He seems to remember something and reaches into his pocket, pulling out an envelope. “I wanted to give you this.”
I reach out to take the envelope. When his fingers brush mine, I almost cry out at the contact. God, this is painful. He must feel it, too, because when he looks up at me, his eyes are wet.
“Can I—” he stutters, pain etched on his beautiful face. “Can I hug you?”
My face crumbles and a tear slips out, tracking down my cheek. I nod frantically .
He crushes me to him, letting out a ragged breath. His hands dig into the hair hanging loosely down my back, and my hands fist the shirt covering his. He breathes me in, nose buried in my hair, while I bathe his shirt with tears.
“I miss you,” he murmurs into my hair. “And I’m so sorry, Finnley. For all of it.”
I can’t speak, too overwhelmed with how good he feels. His scent wraps around all of my senses, making me dizzy. I let him hold me, silent tears soaking his shirt front. In his arms, everything falls away. I’m caught in a moment of in between—where my heart wants one thing, and my brain tells me it will kill me to take it. One choice leaves me with my best friend, and the other…
It feels like minutes that we stand locked in a desperate embrace, me crying into his chest, and him keeping me pressed into his warmth. When he finally pulls away and I lift my head, the physical loss is almost too much to bear.
“I really have to go.” He tips his head in the direction of the truck, which I just now realized is idling in the driveway. Then, he tilts my face up to his with a finger under my chin. “Promise me you’ll open that envelope. When you’re ready, ok?”
I swallow, then look up at him and nod. “Ok.”
“We’re gonna get through this,” he murmurs and presses a kiss to my forehead.
And as we say our goodbyes, I’m sure he’s right. I just hope my heart is still intact when we do.
The townhouse is deathly quiet when I step inside hours later. Hudson’s envelope has felt like a brick weighing me down all day, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to open it. After changing my clothes, I head downstairs and pour myself a glass of wine.
Sitting in my usual spot in the corner of the sectional, I stare at the letter for thirty minutes before finally getting the courage to open it.
My fingers find a single sheet of paper, which has been pulled from the notebook I keep on the kitchen counter for groceries and to-do lists. Dropping the envelope into my lap, I unfold the paper and immediately recognize Hudson’s scrawl in blue ink.
My eyes swim with tears before I’ve even read a single word because the date at the top of the letter is the day we were married. My fingers instinctively reach up to clutch the necklace I never take off, and my heart feels like it’s being ripped in two.
July 12
Finnley,
I don’t know if I’ll ever give you this letter, but if I never muster up the courage, I hope that you find it someday because I want you to know the truth.
Everything changed the day you walked into that classroom junior year, with your big brown eyes and those thick braids over each shoulder. We’d grown up in the same town, had classes together for years, but that day was different. I still remember what you were wearing. You had on a white T-shirt and baggy jeans rolled into thick cuffs. Your shoes were scuffed, and the left one was coming untied. Your bag was stuffed to overflowing. You were laughing with Wrenley, lost in some private conversation.
But what I noticed more than all of that other stuff was your smile. I wanted so badly to be in on whatever made you smile like that. When you finally turned it on me, it lit up something inside me, and that smile has been one of my most favorite things since we were seventeen. I was obsessed with you from that day forward, and if you had known what I was feeling, you probably never would have talked to me again.
You’re so beautiful, inside and out, and you’re one of the best parts of my life. I hope you always know how much you mean to me. I never in my wildest dreams expected you to become my wife, and I’ve never allowed myself to hope for it. Being your friend was enough. Until it wasn’t. I’ve dreamed about this day for my entire adult life. I know this isn’t the real thing for you, but for me, there is nothing more real. There is nothing more real than the love I’ve had for you for as long as I can remember. Words can’t really explain how you have changed my world, but I’ll give it my best shot.
My life is infinitely better with you in it. You’ve always seen me, Finnley. You’ve always loved me for exactly who I am, and you have let me grow and change in my own time and in my own way. You’ve supported me, cheered me on, and been patient and kind even when I don’t deserve it. You’re my rock, my confidant, and my truest friend in every sense of the word. Now, you’re more. Today, you’ll be my wife. It’s an indescribable feeling knowing that you’re mine. Even if it’s just in name. I love you with my whole heart, and knowing you has been the pleasure of my life. You make me want to be a better man. I only hope I can be half the friend you are.
All my love,
Hudson
Tears course down my cheeks and I wipe them away with the back of my hand. His words seep into every part of my soul, burying themselves deep. They fill years-old cracks—all the crevasses left by an absentee father and a mama who died too soon—soothing the part of me that knows everyone leaves.
Miles separated us for years, but even then, he loved me. Really loved me. How have I been so blind for so many years? Why did it take Wrenley coming back to make me see what was right in front of me? So much wasted time.
My mind skips over memory after memory. Sunny days at the ranch and rainy days snuggled up on my mama’s couch when we were just babies, our bellies full of her home cooking. Images of him coming to help me when my mama died. Memories of him giving me away at my wedding to Jeff—how handsome he was, how much his hands shook. How that must have felt for him to walk me down the aisle to another man. Christmases here in Timber Forge and in New York.
It all rolls through my mind as I sit, clutching my necklace with one hand and his letter with the other. I drop my eyes back to the paper and flip it over to read the second section of words, written in black ink this time, dated just two days ago.
September 17
Finnley,
Nothing could have prepared me for the last few months. I never knew having my love reciprocated could feel this good. I have loved you for so long, and in my head, you’ve been mine much longer than I was willing to admit. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I love you with everything in me.
I miss the sound of your voice and your laughter. I miss the way you kiss me and hug me at the end of the day. I miss waking up beside you every morning. I even miss your soft, little snores. I miss you so much, I can’t sleep. I miss you so much it hurts.
You are my everything, Finnley Hayes. From the time I wake up in the morning to the time I go to sleep at night, you’re the one I think about. I can’t imagine a life without you in it.
I know you’re scared. I am, too. The thought of losing you in any capacity terrifies me. You’ve been my best friend for almost eighteen years, and I can’t imagine that changing any time soon. I know you want us to go back to being friends, and as much as it will kill me to do it, I will. If you truly don’t want more, if you can’t find a way to be mine, I’ll accept it. I love you too much to lose you.
But if by some small miracle you’re open to letting me love you for the rest of our lives, I’d like to try. I can’t promise you that everything will be perfect, or that I won’t make mistakes, but I can promise you that I will be the best husband I can be for as long as you’ll let me. I’d give you the world if I could. If you’ll have me, I’m yours.
All my love,
Hudson