Chapter 9
Several days and several rather quiet dinners later
Nancy knew that she was the most absurd person in the whole world, and she was absolutely infuriated with herself.
As a matter of fact, as she stared at a portrait of Aphrodite, she stomped her foot in a most childlike fashion. She had now dined with the duke every day for the last two weeks.
They had discussed literature, they had discussed science, they had discussed portraiture, and they had discussed his travels.
She could listen to him speak about his travels for hours and for days.
But he had not once, not a single time, ever again suggested that they go beyond any other friendship than that of the dining room.
He continued to help her financially without asking for anything in turn. As a matter of fact, much to her shock, she had gotten a letter from her mother stating that a new physician had popped in to take a look at her, and he was the duke’s physician.
She wanted to be furious. Surely, it was some vast overstep. She wasn’t even certain how he’d gotten the cottage’s address. But the truth was she was appreciative.
How could she not be? As far as she understood from her mother, the physician actually had been an immense help. Who would have guessed, of course, that the very best physician in England might be much better than what the poorest person could afford?
The irony was not lost on her.
It made her want to be grateful to the duke, but not in the sort of way that could get her into trouble.
No, no. She wished to get into trouble of her own accord, and this was most dangerous, because as she looked at the portraits of the gods entwining, of the gods descending to the earthly plane, choosing females or males to play with, she knew that was exactly the sort of trouble she was getting herself into.
She might as well be a human contemplating an interaction with Zeus, and that never worked out well. And yet, oh dear God in heaven, she could not stop herself from wishing. Oh, how she wished.
Even as she stood in the candlelight, because it was quite late and she did not know how to stop working, though her heart ached for the man who could never be hers. For he was above her in almost every way.
Constant work was the only thing that kept her mind from spinning.
After all, if she did not, the worst thing would happen. She would lie in her quite comfortable bed up in the servants’ wings, only a few doors down from the duke, staring at the ceiling and thinking of him.
He wasn’t even out as much as she thought he would be.
She would have assumed that, as a duke, he would be out on the town every night, but it seemed not.
In the morning, he always went out to his stables.
Apparently, he rode a great deal. She liked to daydream, thinking about him with his horses, his Arabians that had come from across the sea.
How she longed to see them. How she longed for evidence of that world that was so far beyond her own, a world that she would never have access to.
Unless, of course… She swallowed. No, that world would never be for her. She couldn’t be just his mistress. She knew it deep in her heart, because if she did, she would fall in love with him, and then she would be broken. Oh, and she could not bear that, because the truth was that she knew herself.
She wasn’t the sort of person who could have an intimate relationship with someone and then be able to just get on with life.
But he didn’t even wish her to be his mistress! Why was she even torturing herself? She shook her head.
But what if?
What if she never kissed him? What if she never realized her foolish heart’s desire? Would she regret it for the rest of her life? She looked at the painting of Aphrodite. She knew what Aphrodite would do. Aphrodite was a goddess. Aphrodite would do whatever she dratted well pleased.
Sometimes, she wished she had that sort of authority over her own person. And in some ways, she did. But she just didn’t know if she could…
Boot steps echoed out in the hall. She tensed. And as if she had somehow called him out of the dark with her thoughts, the duke walked by the door.
He spotted her light, peered in, and said, “What the blazes are you doing up? You’re working far too hard.
Are you trying to get a raise? Because I won’t give you a raise if you’re going to work yourself into the ground.
I’m not an unforgiving task master who wishes you to work yourself to the bone. ”
She forced a quick smiled at him. “I know that you’re not,” she said. “It’s more that I can’t stop myself.”
He frowned as he strode into the room with that languid confidence he had. “That sounds like a compulsion,” he said. “You can’t stop yourself from working?”
She scowled. “I don’t stop myself from working because then I shall be thinking, and thinking can get one into most terrible situations.”
“I won’t argue with that,” he said as he paused before the portrait of Aphrodite. “What were you thinking about?”
Her lips pressed together and she stared at him.
His eyes flared, and he seemed to understand. And at that point, there was no point in lying.
“You,” she said honestly, throwing her arms up.
“Me?” he said softly, cocking his head to the side.
“Oh, don’t be like that,” she said. “You know what you are.”
“And what is that?” he asked, his lips twitching with amusement, even as his eyes seemed to alight with what she almost thought was home.
She nodded, then folded her arms under her bosom. “Undeniably handsome, incredibly compelling. Anyone would want to be with you.”
“That’s not true,” he said. “Many people find me to be overbearing, and they find my audacity to be appalling. Some people want me to go back to Arabia or to wherever I was last. And some people desperately wish that I wasn’t in Parliament because I’m trying to wake up those old fellows and make them see that the world is changing, and changing fast.”
“Is it?” she asked. “Changing so very fast?”
“You can’t see it?” he queried as he took a step towards her. “You can’t feel it?”
She bit her lower lip. “I suppose I can,” she said. “There’s a certain desperation to the everyday working people in London,” she admitted.
“As if any dream of control is gone?” he said softly.
“Yes,” she whispered, hating that it was true.
“I don’t know how it’s all going to work out, but we are on a path now that can’t be stopped, and all we can do is do our best not to be destroyed by it.”
“That’s very grim,” she said.
“It’s reality. And you like reality, don’t you?” He contemplated the painting again. “Thinking of me, eh?”
She gave a nod.
“I know everybody likes Aphrodite the best,” he said, “But I always liked Artemis.”
She blinked. “Why?”
He gazed down at her, standing side by side now. “I always liked the fact that she went off on her own with her dogs and looked at the moon. It seems like a very sensible thing to do.”
She laughed. “Would you admire me if I went out and stared up at the moon?”
“I would admire you in any capacity,” he murmured.
Her heart skipped. “If I could go off with some dogs and look at the moon and not worry about the rest of society, I would do it as well,” she said softly.
“Would you?” he asked. “I don’t believe it. You seem to thrive off of organizing others. You strike me as a very different sort of goddess,” he teased. “I think you would meddle in the lives of humans all of the time.”
She guffawed. “You’re probably right. And you?” she said. “Would you be like Zeus, going down into the lives of mortals and changing them always and forever?”
“No,” he snorted. “He was a terrible fellow. I don’t admire Zeus at all.”
Her brows shot up.
“Couldn’t control himself, you see,” the duke drawled. “Whatever thought he got into his head, he went ahead and did. The Greeks lived very differently than we do.”
“Do you speak Greek?” she asked suddenly, rather wishing she’d had the chance to learn.
“Oh yes,” he said, “and Latin. I can quote you all the major works upside and down. My tutor loved Caesar’s Gallic Wars. I can tell you all about the bodies in the rivers and all that gory, good stuff,” he said.
She gave him a bemused look. “That does sound like a boy’s best book. But grim too.”
“War is grim,” he said, “and war is coming. So we best live for today, because tomorrow, who knows what will happen?”
“Isn’t that true all of the time?” she said.
“Yes, but war accelerates it.”
She winced. If he was right, then she should just seize whatever she wanted. But there was a part of her that was just so resistant to it.
“What were you thinking about me?” he said. “How you could organize my life? Would you find me a wife?” he asked. “I think you’d be very good at it.”
She laughed, even as the words struck a knife into her heart. And that realization made her gasp. She wanted to be his wife. Dear God in heaven! What unhappiness lay ahead with such a dream.
“Yes, I probably would. But I don’t know enough about the ladies in the ton to do so.”
“I could hand you documents,” he said, “and then you could go through them all and pick the best one for me.”
She shook her head. “That is a job that I don’t want.”
“Why?” he asked. “Since you’re very good at meddling and organizing.”
She sucked in her breath.
It was his turn to gasp. “Perhaps you’d put your name on the list.”
“Don’t, Your Grace. That’s cruel.”
He took a few steps towards her. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be cruel.”
“The truth is you know that I can never be your duchess. I am your employee, and I should never—”
“Of course you should allow yourself to dream. Dream anything you want. Sometimes dreams become reality. Hope is—”
“You think that marrying you would give me a sense of hope?” she cut in. “The truth is the reason why I want to marry you is that it’s the only way I can envision having you, so to speak, because I’m not like girls who can just…”
“Yes?” he prompted.
And much to her shock, she realized that he had taken her hand in his.
“Toss myself into some sheets and enjoy it,” she rushed. “I wish I was, but I’m not.”