Chapter 37 Zara
Chapter thirty-seven
Zara
Leer chats the entire walk from the greenhouse to the dining room, possessively holding onto my arm as he leads me along the dark and dusty paths surrounding his castle. He shows me different spaces and tells me stories about when he was young.
But I hardly hear anything he says. My mind isn’t here with Leer. It’s still out in the greenhouse with Alfrie. I can’t stop thinking of him. The way my entire being responds to his touch and very presence. How natural it was to curl up next to him. How he held my hand in his sleep.
The brush of his soft lips on mine.
This is insane. I look askance at Leer. He’s breathtakingly handsome, and he seems to adore me.
Unlike Alfrie. He’s made it clear he doesn’t think much of royalty. Or me. Even if we’re in some sort of truce for the moment.
These thoughts I’m having are only nerves. I’ve gone through so much over the last several weeks, and the stress of everything is weighing on me. Confusing me.
I love Leer.
I love Leer and I’ll become his wife and queen, and he’ll be my king. Together, we’ll rule the realm.
“Zara?” I’m pulled back into the present. I realize we’ve stopped, and Leer is standing near the entryway of the dining room with his arm swept out in front of him. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, sorry. I’m still so exhausted.” I push up on my tiptoes and give him a kiss on the cheek and enter the room ahead of him.
The dining area at Lanray is an intimate space, completely different from Masseda’s.
The room is a square, and the table is only large enough for six chairs versus the eighteen back home.
The walls are painted a deep navy blue, and the only light comes from silver sconces that hang in each corner.
The table is spread with a cream-colored tablecloth and covered with platters of delectable fruits and meats and cheeses.
Red wine is poured as we take our seats, Leer at one end of the table and I to his right.
Emlyn and Alix sit on the side opposite me and my stepmother waltzes in and sits next to me.
King Hardin enters last, following tradition to a T, and he takes his place at the head of the table.
It’s strange having Alix sitting at the dining table as a guest instead of guarding the room from a place on the wall near the servants. Not that he isn’t always on guard, even here at Lanray, but I’ve never sat down to a meal with him seated with me.
I glance at him and Emlyn. They’ve both been provided their own rooms in the east tower with closets stocked with the finest clothing.
And both are dressed in evening wear, beautiful and dazzling.
As if they haven’t just arrived from a long carriage ride.
As if their home wasn’t just destroyed and those they loved brutally slaughtered.
Everything about being here in this fancy room in refined dinner clothing feels…wrong. We shouldn’t be here acting like nothing has happened.
My throat constrict with panic. I twist my napkin in knots under the table and my palms are moist. A warm hand is on my knee, steadying me.
Relaxing me. Leer smiles, his eyes seeming to ask if I’m all right.
I swallow around the lump in my throat and nod.
He passes me a glass of wine, and I happily take it, gulping it down like it’s the last bit of fluid I might ever drink.
I half-expect my stepmother to make a snide comment. Or Alix to tell me to slow down. But no one says anything. We’re all silent, waiting for dinner to be served, picking at fruits and sipping from our glasses. I guess I’m not the only one uncomfortable with the normalcy of the evening.
Hardin leans his forearms on the table and cuts through the cloud of tension smothering us all.
“Thank you all for joining me. I know that under the circumstances—" The thought hangs in the air and he takes a drink from his wine glass.
“Elara and I spoke earlier today, and we feel the two of you should be married immediately. We need to show our strength against the Unseelie Court by letting them know their attack did not thwart our efforts to unite.”
Emlyn taps her foot against mine under the table, but I don’t look her way. I knew the request was coming and I’ve already decided I won’t argue about my future for once. There’s no reason to wait. I love Leer. Plus, I’ve nothing else to offer anyone or any Court in this realm but my royal status.
Elara clasps her long fingers together, her red nails tapping, as she leans forward. She studies me with her icy glare. “No argument? I thought for sure you would have something to say about rushing the marriage.”
Leer’s hand still rests on my knee, and I intertwine my fingers with his. “No. This is what needs to be done.”
“It’s about time you start listening and doing your duty. It’s a shame your father had to be killed in order for you to finally starting act like a princess and take your role seriously.” Elara’s comment stings.
My chest tightens but I hold my chin high. All eyes are on me. Waiting for a reaction. A fight. But I offer none. I’m tired.
Hardin adjusts his collar. “Good. The celebration will be in two days’ time.” He lifts his glass, “To the bride and groom and to our Courts.” We raise our drinks in the air, solidifying my future.
“I see you’re taking my advice.” Emlyn is sprawled out on top of the bed in the rooms I’m occupying. “I didn’t think you’d do it so quickly.”
“What else can I do? You were right. If I want to move on and do something to rebuild Masseda, I need Lanray. Plus, Leer is amazing, and the marriage will eventually happen anyhow. Why wait?” I pull a black tunic over my head and button my trousers.
I’m supposed to meet Alfrie for another pointless shifting lesson.
“I guess.” She rolls onto her side and rests her head in her hand. Her long dark hair falls all around her shoulders. She assesses my outfit. “Where are you off to?”
“Leer wants me to practice shifting again. He thinks I need to keep trying so I’m ready when we return to Masseda. Or in case the Unseelie come to take Lanray.” I plop down on an ottoman and yank on a pair of black boots I found in the closet. They’re too tight, but they’re all I have.
“Are you going to see if Alix will work with you again too?”
“Honestly, I don’t think it’ll make much difference. I’ve proven to not be a very self-sufficient Fae. I’m only meeting Alfrie to please Leer. He didn’t appear too happy to find the two of us alone in the greenhouse last night.”
Emlyn perks up, her eyes glowing mischievously. “What? Tell me everything.”
“There isn’t anything to tell. I went for a walk, saw a light, and found Alfrie in the greenhouse doing whatever it is physicians do.
” I begin twisting my hair into a braid and Emlyn jumps off the bed to take over.
“It was innocent,” I say, but the clenching in my chest when I think of his soft gaze lingering on my lips in the candlelight, says otherwise.
Emlyn effortlessly ties my hair into an elaborate braid that falls between my shoulder blades. “I think he likes you. I see the way he looks at you. Like Alix looks at me.”
“Em.” I take a deep inhale, heat flooding my cheeks. “Alfrie tolerates me. And even that's a new thing for us. Not that it matters. We’re only friends. I think. Perhaps acquaintances.”
She rests her chin on top of my head and stares at me in the mirror’s reflection. Her long fingers squeeze my shoulders. “Well then. Have fun with your ‘friend’.”
I roll my eyes, and she takes my hand, walking with me down to the courtyard. The halls are dark, black curtains pulled shut, blocking out any bits of light that might shine through. No guards stand watch nor are any servants milling about. Everything about Lanray is decidedly empty.
When we reach the bottom floor, Emlyn leaves me to find Alix and explore the grounds with him, and I’m left to wander out to the yard alone.
The outdoor space stretches out for miles until it reaches the Woodlands that separate Lanray and Masseda.
There are no stables, no rolling green fields—just an army barracks that looms nearly as large as the palace itself.
Aside from the medicinal garden, there are no trees or streams or flowers.
Lanray is one giant expanse of brown grass and weeds.
I fold my arms around myself, clutching my elbows, against the chill in the air.
I spot Alfrie on the stone bench near his garden, and he gives me an awkward wave, standing as I draw near.
His blond hair is a bit tussled, and he rolls his sleeves up to his forearms, revealing the scars I still wonder about.
I’m comforted by the sight of his rounded ears.
He’s human. Vulnerable. His white button-down shirt is loosely tucked into a pair of grey pants and his arms are relaxed at his sides.
He looks comfortable in his own space, no matter how dark and lonely Lanray is. This court suits his brooding nature.
“How are you feeling?” A few strands of hair fall slightly over his eyebrow.
I shrug. “As good as can be expected.”
His jaw muscle tenses, and worry creases his brow. “We don’t have to do this.”
I hold my hands up. “I know, I know. I’m wasting your time.”
“No. I mean, you’re grieving. We don’t have to do this now.” He reaches toward me, and I think he might take my hand, but he drops his arm back to his side.
“I don’t think I’ll ever not be grieving.” I dare to meet his gaze. His expression is soft but there's a deep-seeded desolation in his stare. “How did you do it?”
“Do what?”
I nearly whisper, “Forget what happened to your family.”
His throat bobs and he lowers himself to the bench as though I just hit him.
“I can never forget. No matter how I try or what I do. I will forever carry their deaths with me. I’ll always feel the crushing weight of guilt that I survived, and they didn’t.
” His voice wavers and his hands tremor slightly in his lap.
My heart aches and I sit down next to him. I want to reach for him and pull him into an embrace. I want to tell him I’m here and hold him until the pain goes away.
But I don’t.
I restrain my hands, clasping them together and stare at the ground. “Then how do you keep going? I feel as though I might crumble into a thousand pieces at any moment. The smallest thought or reminder of what my life used to be might kill me.” My voice breaks and I swallow back emerging tears.
“I’m excellent at pretending I don’t care.” He glances at me. “You’ll learn to do the same. The pretending gets easier with time.”
“Teach me to shift into human form. You told me it helps you forget. I want to forget.”
“You won’t be able to forget completely. And perhaps this emotion that you're experiencing at this moment will help you find your other form. Human or otherwise.”
I shiver and swipe away the wetness from my cheeks. I’m so tired. I lean into him and rest my head upon his shoulder. He stiffens, and I jerk my head up remembering his injury. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t hurt me.” His voice is low, and he leans forward resting his forearms on his knees.
He sits back up and pivots slightly in my direction.
“Zara, I.” The emotion in his beautiful face sets me on fire.
His vibrant eyes plead with me with an unspoken question or maybe it’s hope. “Zara, I want to thank you.”
“Thank me? For what?”
He stares out into the distance again, wringing his hands together in his lap.
“I know we haven’t always gotten along. But you’ve made me feel…
alive. Again.” His gaze flits to his shoes, still clasping his hands tightly.
“Even if that feeling was utter frustration,” the corners of his mouth curve upward, “I—I haven’t felt anything, actually, in some time.
It seems you’ve brought me back from the dead.
So. Thank you.” He turns his head to face me, need and longing lurking beneath the half-smile on his lips.
My heart explodes. I’m speechless. “I—You’re welcome.
” I want to fall into his arms. I want to run away as far as I can.
This is the most inopportune time to fall in love with someone other than my betrothed.
There are so many questions I have when it comes to Alfrie.
I’m not sure I truly know him at all. “Why were you out in the Woodlands that night? Tell me the truth.”
His eyes widen and he gazes out to the border before pulling something from his pocket, absently stroking his thumb over it. It’s a handsewn rag doll, covered in earth and time.
“What’s that?”
“I took a walk into the woods. I thought. Maybe.” He grips the doll with his fingers.
“What?”
“When I was in Masseda, I heard some of the folk talk about a village of Solitary Fey that somehow has remained hidden for the last decade. As soon as I heard, I went searching for it. I had to see for myself. What if someone from my village survived the attack?”
“Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I could have helped.
” I ask the question, but I know why he kept it from me and everyone else.
He’s bound to Hardin by a life debt. If King Hardin found out, I can only imagine how he would react.
I stare out into the copse of trees alongside the grounds, both of us comfortable in the silence.
“The first night I went out, I didn’t make it past the border, but I swear I heard them. Or felt them. It was as if by magic—a pull or something. They were whispering to me.”
I stay quiet, watching his face as he stares downcast at the toy in his hands.
His chin lifts and the sunlight catches his eye, a dazzling glitter that’s nearly blinding, and a shy smile tugs at his lips. “I found it, Zara.” He hands me the rag doll. “Well, I found evidence a village was out there. It’s since gone, but…”
I hold the limp doll in my palm. A village of Solitary Fey is still out there. “Do you think? Perhaps it’s someone…from your village?”
He reaches for the doll and safely tucks it back into his pocket. “I don’t know. It’s unlikely. But I’ll find out. I have to.”
I lean my weight into him again. He doesn’t flinch this time. He shifts slightly and leans into me too. “We'll find it, Alfrie.” I reach over and take his hand, squeezing it lightly. A surge of electricity rushes through me and my skin tingles.
He clears his throat, then retracts his hand and pushes it through his golden hair. “I think we should get started if you want to try shifting again.” He’s on his feet in a heartbeat, and I rise slowly from the bench.
“Okay, let’s try it.”