Chapter 21 #2
I know that everyone is watching us, and a part of me is afraid that if I let Hudson help me, they might see how much I want to hold onto him, that they might intuit what transpired between us, and it’ll earn me another strike against my already tarnished reputation.
But the other part of me, the one that wants to be rid of this mountain, slowly moves towards him.
“Put your arms around my neck,” he instructs, the words an order, as I try not to breathe in the earthy scent of him.
Instinctively I cling to him, and I’m hyper-aware of the tightness in his shoulders, the muscles flexed against his abs, the pressure of his hands.
Regret tightens in my chest as I remember the way those hands rubbed my back last night.
Of how I wished he’d crawl into bed with me and use those hands to hold me; to brush them against my lips and kiss me like he had the other night.
I worry he might be able to read my thoughts when I notice a bashful shade of pink flush against his cheeks.
“Hold on tight, okay,” he says as I bury my head in his neck, breathing him in. God, he smells good, like rain and honey. Subtle and inviting. And I take another deep breath before we’re in free-fall, triggering a stomach-dropping sensation that makes me grip onto him even tighter.
“I thought you said you were going to get me down safely,” I scold, clinging to him like a small child.
“We have to release the tension from the line,” he explains, tugging on the rope. His feet press up against the mountainside as he takes another step back and we move down another few feet. I don’t realize that we’ve hit solid ground until I hear the clapping from the onlookers beside us.
Hudson’s hand is still pressed against the small of my back, holding me close. I want to sink into him, to press my lips to his, to let go, but I can’t. Pulling back, I unbuckle my helmet, toss my harness to the ground, and walk away.
I need a minute to think, to get away from the smell of him. To remind myself that no matter how badly I want him, he belongs to Katherine and that’s a line I’ll never cross.
“Mira, wait up,” Hudson says, chasing after me, but I’m using every speed-walking technique I can remember from freshman gym class.
I heel, ball, and toe it towards the desert, tricking myself into believing I have some semblance of control over my life, before Hudson grabs my arm.
The gentle tug is enough to get my attention.
“What do you want from me, Hudson?” I snap, spinning around and ripping the delicate seams of my emotions.
“At first, I thought you were trying to cover your ass. Then, I considered that the fish, the coffee, the camera, that it was guilt. But having you perpetually show up and come to my rescue, to act like you care about me, it feels like torture, okay? You’re torturing me. So please, just leave me alone.”
The words hang in the air between us, a tension building like a summer thunderstorm as I wait for him to respond. Finally, after what feels like a lifetime, he speaks. “Katherine and I aren’t together.”
“As of what? Two seconds ago?” I scoff, the words hollow in my ear.
“We haven’t been together for months,” he clarifies, but I’m wary.
“Does she know that?”
Hudson nods, dragging a hand down his face. “We thought it would be easier to keep up the pretense of a relationship until the wedding was over and we could move on. We didn’t want to put more stress on Meredith’s plate.”
No matter how badly I want this to be real, I’m skeptical. I’ve seen first-hand how easily men can lie to get what they want, and I refuse to get caught up in another man’s mess.
“And so that’s why you still have photos of you together in your apartment? For Meredith’s benefit?”
“Katherine didn’t have enough money to get her own place so I told her she could take a few months, save up.
She was waiting for this big sale at work, and then she started dragging her feet.
I couldn’t kick her out but I couldn’t be there either,” he explains.
“I took that job at Finn’s to put distance between us.
Then, when I met you, I signed up for as many shifts as possible in the hope that you’d be there.
I even started coming in on days I wasn’t scheduled.
I told Lilah I’d give her all my tips so she wouldn’t tell me to go home. ”
I stifle a chuckle, realizing why Lilah was so distraught to lose him.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was scared,” he admits, shifting his weight, rubbing his hands against his neck nervously. “The situation isn’t exactly normal, and I thought you might not believe me, or be comfortable with it. So I thought I’d wait it out until Katherine moved out. You have to admit, it’s a bit crazy.”
“I’d say pretending to still be together is a little crazier, but I get your point.”
“I need you to know I was going to ask you out for real. I had it all planned. I was going to take you to dinner and share a bottle of wine, and tell you everything. But when you kissed me, all logic went out the window. I’m so sorry, Mira.”
The admission makes my skin tingle like the breaking of a spell, as I see him in a new light.
“It was stupid and—”
Before he can say another word, I grab the fabric of his shirt, bring his mouth to mine.