Chapter 35
BEFORE
May, Ten Years ago
By the time we got to Jackson’s house for the barbecue, the rain had already stopped. I ignored Julie’s eyes on me as we filled our plates, and throughout the meal. She wasn’t one to keep her opinions to herself, and I knew she wanted to confront me about catching me and Jackson hooking up.
I was on a high from finally getting with Jackson, and I didn’t want a conversation with Julie to ruin it. I also didn’t want to be the one to admit that we planned to leave at the end of summer. Who knew, maybe we would end up in California with her. We could go anywhere we wanted.
After we’d sat outside with his family for a while, Jackson claimed that he wanted to play the drums so we could have an excuse to hang out alone in his room. We knew Julie wouldn’t follow us, because she couldn’t stand the noise.
When we got to his room though, I actually did want him to play the drums for me, and he obliged without making me beg.
He let me watch him as he played “Misery Business” by Paramore, and I sang along as I bopped my head to the music. I had been waiting too long to sing this song and mean it.
Jackson knew it, too, because he would smirk up at me every chance he got. He was drenched in sweat after, from the exertion as well as the heat of graduation and the barbecue, so he left to take a shower before joining me back in his bedroom.
We sat on Jackson’s bed, our backs against the wall and our legs criss-crossed as we signed each other’s yearbooks.
His index finger kept tentatively touching my outer thigh, and with each stroke of his finger, he got closer and closer to the hem of my dress. I couldn’t focus on anything when he was touching me like that.
“You’re distracting me. I can’t think of anything to write,” I said, even though I didn’t move his hand away. I didn’t want him to stop. I had waited too long to have him touch me like this without feeling like it was wrong.
“Just write something generic, like ‘Have a great summer, Jackson’,” he said with a lazy smile.
I rolled my eyes. “What’d you write in mine?”
His finger kept inching higher and higher. “You’ll see later.”
He pressed a light kiss to my kneecap, fully eliminating any rational thought from my brain. I tried to write “Addison Bianchi loves Jackson forever” but instead I accidentally wrote “Addison Delvecchio loves Jackson forever,” and sloppily drew a slice of pizza next to it.
I set the yearbook on the bed next to me, and watched him. His eyes were locked on mine as he continued this game, stroking his finger back and forth under the hem of my dress. I could feel my breathing getting deeper, and the rise and fall of his chest started to match mine.
His finger finally made its way under my dress, playfully running back and forth on the fabric of my underwear. It moved down between my legs, then back up toward my hips. Back and forth, back and forth, until my body involuntarily started moving toward him.
He finally touched me where I was aching for him, and I arched my back to meet him.
A sparkler of pleasure rolled through my body, and I pushed my lips together to refrain from making any sound.
He slid his finger in and out, slowly and agonizingly, as his eyes stayed locked on mine.
He slipped his thumb under the fabric next, and suddenly I was nothing but jerky limbs against his hand. I whispered his name in a gasp.
Jackson smiled, and I was aching for him to kiss me—to lose all of myself in the sensation of him.
I was close to fully unraveling, and Jackson could sense it.
He leaned forward to cover my mouth with his other hand, nodding at me like he was giving me permission to let myself succumb to the feeling.
It was the hottest thing I’d ever experienced in my life.
He pressed his lips against the hand covering my mouth, whispering for me to shhh.
I squeezed my eyes shut and let the waves roll through me over and over again as my body jerked beneath him.
I could feel the flush of heat in my cheeks, and when I opened my eyes, Jackson removed his hand to finally kiss me on the lips. A soft sweet peck that left me wanting more, more, more.
“Do you have a condom?” I asked breathlessly as I started to crawl on top of him.
He nodded yes and started digging around in the drawer of his bedside dresser, pulling out the packet. I ripped it from his hands, impatient and frenzied as he undid his pants before I slid it on him.
He helped me take off my underwear in a mess of limbs, and shoved them into the drawer he had gotten the condom from.
I lowered myself onto him, and his head fell back to rest against the wall, his mouth slightly parted as he watched me rock back and forth on him.
I heard the smallest sound escape from his lips, and I placed my pointer finger there, signaling for him to stay quiet.
His hands were gripping my hips so tightly that I was sure I’d have bruises from his touch later.
We didn’t even kiss—we stayed in pained silence as we examined every single part of each other.
His eyes kept flicking between my face and where our bodies were connected, and I tried to stamp every detail of this moment into my brain: The beads of sweat beginning to form at his hairline that matched the trickle I felt rolling down my spine, the freckle on his collarbone that popped out just below his collar, the fabric of his sheets digging into my knees as they pressed deeper and deeper into his mattress, and my favorite part—the look in Jackson’s deep-brown eyes as he watched me.
He mouthed I love you beneath my finger, which was still pressed against his lips, and I mouthed it back just as he bit his bottom lip.
I could feel his body tightening, and he leaned forward to press his face into my neck to stifle his sounds.
His teeth clamped onto my shoulder, and his hands moved to my back to press me closer to him.
I tangled my fingers in his hair, kneading back and forth until his body stilled.
He exhaled a long breath before leaning back and putting my hair behind my ears.
The kiss he gave me settled something inside me.
This was the moment I actually believed he was in love with me.
Because he was telling me when he was sober.
The feeling that passed between us was something I knew I would never experience again in this lifetime.
We both heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and we flew apart.
He ripped off the condom and threw it in the drawer that still had my underwear in it, then his fingers flew to his pants to zip and button them.
I fixed my dress, then pretended to look at the framed pictures on his dresser while he grabbed his yearbook and placed it on his lap to cover himself.
Two knocks sounded on the door before Jackson managed to say, “Come in.”
I could feel liquid dripping down my thigh, and I tightened my legs together in hopes it wouldn’t drip to my ankle.
“It’s almost time for the senior party,” Marie said from the doorway. I kept my back to her, too worried she’d see on my face that I had just lost my virginity to her son. My eyes flicked over to Jackson to see if he looked just as guilty as I was sure I did.
“I’ll leave in a second,” Jackson said without looking up from the yearbook.
I could feel Marie’s eyes on my back, looking back and forth between us. I finally risked a peek over my shoulder at her, and she gave me a genuine smile before shutting the door and leaving. I waited until I heard her steps descending the stairs before turning around.
When my eyes met Jackson’s, we both cracked up laughing, him covering his face and shaking his head while I put a fist to my mouth and released a full belly laugh.
“We can never have peace,” Jackson joked as I walked toward him on the bed.
“I think I might be bleeding,” I said, even though I was still laughing.
I grabbed a tissue from his bedside table and swiped it up my thigh, finding a small trail of blood.
Jackson reached forward to hold up my dress for me while I cleaned myself.
He didn’t say it was gross, or make some stupid teenage boy comment about fucking me too hard.
Instead, he grabbed another tissue and helped me clean up the mess.
“Is it obvious that was my first time?” I asked as we bundled up the tissues and shoved them to the bottom of the trash can in his room.
Jackson grabbed my hands, pulling me into a hug. My head was tucked under his chin, and I buried my face into his chest.
“Was it obvious that was mine, too? That barely lasted five minutes,” he said into my hair.
“What?” I asked as I leaned away from him to see his face. He smiled at me, not one bit embarrassed. “Are you serious?”
He nodded. “You were my first kiss, Addie. I wanted my first time to be with you, too.”
He never slept with Sophie . . . No wonder she hated me so much. Jackson had waited for me. He loved me so much that he wanted his first time to be with me.
I felt like I had been thrown into a pool of water; I was being drowned by how much I loved this boy.
He kissed me again, this time walking us backward until we were pressed against his dresser. I giggled before putting my hands on his chest and pushing him away.
“I really do love you, Jackson,” I said looking up at him.
“I really do love you, too.” He gave me a quick kiss before stepping back. “I wish you were coming to the party.”
I never bought a ticket for tonight’s senior all-night party because I didn’t want to be a third-wheel to Sophie and Jackson. It was too late to buy a ticket by the time I found out they broke up.
I shrugged. “We’ll have the entire summer together. Ready to take me home?”
He grabbed my hand and we said our goodbyes to his family.
Julie gave me a tight hug, and promised she’d take me out for breakfast this week while she was in town.