25. Alana #2
“I don’t think you’re good-looking,” he said. “I think you’re hot, Ally-Bear. I think you’re pretty, and I think your body is beautiful just the way it is. And you know what I also think?”
I looked away. “That you’re the worst liar in the history of liars?”
“I think you’re too scared to let, as you’d say it, someone like me, show you just how beautiful you are. You’re scared to let someone like me get close to you. You’re scared because you don’t believe anyone could find you attractive, not because nobody actually doesn’t.”
“So what? Then I’m scared. I’ve had plenty of bad experiences.”
He sighed, making his way over to the oven to check on the muffins. “You shouldn’t let bad experiences define who you are and who you’re allowed to date.”
“Easier said than done.” I began to draw shapes into the leftover flour. “Nothing came from those guys who hit me up since we’d been fake dating. And I still don’t have enough confidence to approach anyone by myself. I’m a hopeless case.”
Austin hadn’t tried talking to me since the last time, which was probably my fault, but still. I fucked up, and I couldn’t even tell Eden about it.
He was already trying to help me, and what if he was going to stop because I messed up?
“You’re not. But you’re also not ready to see what’s right in front of you,” he said.
“What’s right in front of me?”
His lips parted then closed again. His eyes fell to his hands before he lifted his gaze and focused it on me. “Do you need glasses?”
“I—What? No.”
“Alright, then how come you don’t see me standing right in front of you?”
“I see you.”
“Uh-huh. Okay. You’re dense then.”
“WHAT?!” I take it back. Eden would totally insult me. I mean, he just did.
He held up both of his hands. “You’re acting stupid right now, not me.”
“We were talking about how you’re fucking with me, Eden,” I spoke harshly.
“I’m not. I wish I were fucking you, but—”
“Oh my God. Stop saying stuff like that!” My hands balled into fists on either side of my body. “You don’t mean it!”
Eden looked up at the ceiling, his chest rising as he took a deep breath.
“What makes you think I don’t mean it?” he asked, sounding surprisingly calm this time.
“It’s a genuine question, Alana. I’m standing here, telling you that you’re hot and I’d totally fuck you—scratch that, I said I’d date you.
Yet, you’re here trying to tell me I’m lying. Why the fuck would I lie about that?”
His eyes looked serious, confused even.
“Because there’s no way you could mean it,” I replied, my head lowering.
“Why not?”
“Guys like—”
He groaned. “Guys like me can’t possibly think someone like you is hot. Blah. Blah. You said that before. I disagreed. Give me a new argument.”
I stayed quiet.
I had no other arguments. I liked my personality, and I always believed that if it weren’t for my body, more people would’ve actually liked me. My body was the traitor. My body was the problem.
Unless… maybe my head was the problem.
Eden stepped closer again, taking my hand gently. “You really think I’m joking?”
I swallowed. “I think you say things you don’t mean.”
His jaw tightened slightly. “Then feel it.”
Before I could even think about what he said, he lowered our joined hands between us.
I had the chance to pull away before I touched him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
My breath spiraled out of my lungs, fingers trying not to move as his way too firm dick pressed against my palm.
Why did I think dicks were softer than that?
He felt so… hard.
“And why exactly am I touching your penis?”
“Because you did this to me. Because the sight of you in that stupid skirt is driving me insane, and you’d never believe me otherwise.”
“Did wha—” I gasped as I finally realized, and I immediately pulled my hand away. “Oh, God.”
Eden chuckled. “Yeah, my thoughts exactly when I picked you up earlier.”
“I… there’s probably a much more logical explanation for your, uh…”
“My boner?” he spoke, his voice filled with amusement.
Was this a joke to him? Wait, it probably was. It was always a joke when I was involved.
“Yes,” I spoke unsurely. “Like, well, don’t you guys get them at random times sometimes? So, this wasn’t because of me. Surely, it wasn’t.”
His eyes rolled. “We can wait until my boner’s gone and then I can get naked, look at you, and you’ll see how ‘not-you’ related it is.”
“What? No! I don’t want to see your dick!”
“Ouch.” Eden covered his heart with his hand. “You know what? Maybe you need to get laid before you realize how sexy you are.”
“What?” I laughed at the absurdity. “I don’t know in what kind of dream world you’re living but—”
“No, seriously,” he interrupted. “You know Kaan, right? He was super shy before he finally got laid. Now he’s like a sex machine or something.
He just won’t stop. Kaan’s gotten so much more confident.
It’s as if he just needed someone to show him that he was desirable.
Perhaps that’s your problem, too. You need someone to show you how hot you are until you can believe it. ”
“You, Eden, are ridiculous.” I took off my apron, threw it on the counter, and immediately rushed into the living room to grab my phone and purse. Eden followed my every step.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.” I should’ve ran the moment he opened his mouth. As I made my way to the front door, I put on my shoes. “It’s rude to say I have body image issues because I haven’t had sex yet, or because you’re up for a ride or something like that.”
“Alana…”
“With me gone, you can find yourself a nice sorority girl and fuck her brains out or whatever.”
He shuddered at my words. “First of all, I don’t fuck sorority girls. I don’t like their attitudes.” Eden leaned back against the wall of his corridor. “Second of all, I really didn’t mean to offend you. It was just an observation.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I swung my bag over my shoulder. “Goodbye.”
I slammed the door shut behind me, hearing Eden curse and say something about idiots through the closed door.
While I didn’t bother to look at my phone, I knew it was late. Eden was supposed to drive me home once we were done baking; now my only chances of getting home were asking Asiya to pick me up or walk. Both seemed like a really bad idea at eleven at night, but only one meant peace and quiet.
So, I just began walking down the street for a while. Perhaps I would find a taxi on the way.
After a few minutes, a strange, faint sting built in my chest. The more I ignored it, the more it began to hurt until I realized I was crying. Not sobbing, but a quiet, wet leak from my eyes.
In the back of my mind, Eden’s words played on a loop.
Perhaps that’s your problem, too. You need someone to show you how hot you are until you can believe it.
I sat down on a nearby bench, suddenly thankful Eden lived close to a park. I wiped away my tears with my sleeve, wondering if I was really that bad at loving myself.
Sure, I knew I was hard on myself sometimes. I was aware of my flaws and how uncomfortable they made me in social situations.
But was it really as bad as Eden was insinuating? I was doing pretty well when he took me out, or so I thought.
I looked around at the bustling park, at the people laughing and talking to each other. Most of the people I’d seen were either couples going for a late-night walk or dog-parents.
For a while, I just watched them while neither of them even noticed me sitting here. If they did, all they’d seen was a sad, lonely girl, sitting on a park bench and doing some people-watching.
As always, I was a wallflower in a field of blooming moonflowers.