52. Eden
EDEN
“Ithought you were going to stay in New City with your girlfriend until the summer break?” Mom sounded confused, yet I didn’t bother to turn around to look at her.
If I hadn’t been feeling so incomplete lately, I would’ve turned around to speak to her. Not only because it was the respectful way to approach a conversation, but because this was Mom. I always looked at her when she was talking to me.
Still, I couldn’t this time. If I looked at her right now, I was going to break.
I didn’t tell my parents Alana and I were over, couldn’t bring myself to do it. When they asked why she hadn’t been there for my graduation last week, I told them she was sick in bed.
She wasn’t sick, at least I didn’t think so. Alana was done with me.
Lucky for me, my parents didn’t follow up on Tori’s blog because they knew that if she wrote about me, I always told them. So, they didn’t know what happened. And as much as keeping this from them annoyed me, it was better than telling them.
I couldn’t disappoint them again.
“She’s busy with classes,” I lied, though, to be fair, it wasn’t technically a lie. Alana was still busy with her classes, but she had also cut all ties to me.
If I had to guess, she had her nose stuck in a million different textbooks and probably finished off her last few assignments before the summer. Maybe she was finally hanging out with Austin, living the life she dreamt of.
Well, the last time we spoke, she said she hadn’t been interested in Austin for a while, but maybe it changed now that I was gone.
Maybe she just said it to make me feel a little better, though that seemed unlikely given the other stuff she threw at me, ultimately deciding to slap me right in the face with her words.
God, how could I have been so fucking stupid? To think, even for a second, Alana was different. To think she might have actually liked me for me.
“I mean, you could help her study, couldn’t you?” Mom asked before she took a seat beside me.
I hummed quietly, trying not to crack when Mom looked at me, waiting for me to say something, anything really.
She already knew.
Mom knew I wasn’t doing alright. She knew I was crumbling behind that happy facade I was trying so hard to keep up. She always knew.
“Are you okay, honey?”
Oh, God.
I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep lying.
My head dropped back against the backrest of the sofa, a heavy sigh drawing from my lungs. “Mom? If I told you that I lied, would you be mad at me?”
Mom hated lies, which I suppose all parents did.
My parents used to tell us that telling a lie would make one’s eye color change to red, so it was easy to spot a liar. I believed them for way too long, but it did make me an honest person.
It was kind of contradicting, looking at it now. They made their kids honest by telling them a lie. It was alright, though, because it was a harmless one. I guess sometimes kids needed those lies.
To be fair, my parents never meant any harm by telling us this. All they wanted was for their kids to be honest with them, and we always knew, no matter what we did, they would listen without judgment.
We didn’t get in trouble much unless we really messed up, which almost never happened.
We must’ve done something very bad to be met with heavy consequences.
They also didn’t believe in grounding their kids as a punishment, or at all, and being too strict on us because it would’ve only raised kids who were sneaking around.
All they wanted was honesty.
We would figure things out together.
We could always talk to them.
It was why I was so afraid that Mom was going to be mad at me if she ever found out that I lied to her about Alana. Dad was a little more chill, but Mom really hated being lied to.
I looked at my mother, trying to see whether she was already steaming with anger or not.
She didn’t exactly look mad yet, curious, sure, but nothing like I imagined.
“It depends on what you lied to me about,” she answered.
My lips formed into a thin line as I hesitated to tell her the truth. By now, Mom knew Brooke was pregnant, so I wouldn’t have even had to leave that out. I could’ve just told her everything.
Part of me really wanted to.
“What if I told you Alana was never my girlfriend? Would you be mad about that?”
Mom cocked her head at me, uncertainty etched into her features.
I was sure she was going to get mad now, but somehow, she still looked anything but angry.
That was strange, wasn’t it? I mean, I’d never genuinely seen my mother mad-mad. Sure, the occasional “being pissed off at your kids because they were misbehaving like every kid should,” but it was never anything above that level of anger.
Not sure why I thought now was the moment she’d unleash some kind of dark side to her.
“Eden, what did you do?” she asked calmly, softly.
My eyes closed as I took a deep breath. “I think I fucked up.”
“Doing what?”
“Falling for someone who was never supposed to stay in my life for longer than a few weeks.”
Mom immediately wrapped her arms around me, holding me like she did every time I came to her with a problem.
The difference was that she’d always watched me make those mistakes and then comforted me. She’d lecture me later, though she was big on learning from my mistakes so those lectures were more her asking if I understood why it was wrong.
Of course she’d try to prevent us from making those mistakes, but sometimes, even the best parent in the world couldn’t stop their child from doing something stupid.
Whenever I was upset because of something dumb, she would hold me for hours until I felt okay again.
I never came to her, revealing a lie like that. I really didn’t know how she was going to react. The last thing I expected was for her to hug me.
Mom still had no idea what was really going on, at least not for the most part.
I suppose she could piece some things together, but unless I told her the whole truth, she wouldn’t know what really happened.
“I think she still likes someone else,” I told her, leaning into my mother, my arms swinging around her body as tears fell from my eyes. “She said she doesn’t anymore, but… I don’t know.”
“Eden…”
“The worst thing is, I knew what I was getting myself in to, Mom. I still did it, though.”
Mom held me tighter, her hand gently rubbing my back as I cried. “So, you love Alana, but she doesn’t love you?”
I nodded, then shook my head and nodded again. “I don’t know.”
“Okay,” Mom said softly.
“Do you remember when I told you about the guy who kept getting with all my exes?”
“Yes. Austin, was it?”
“Uh-huh. Alana likes or liked him, I’m not even sure which tense it is anymore,” I told her. “We made a deal. If Alana taught me how to bake for Brooke’s baby shower, I’d help her become more confident and make sure she got with… him.”
I felt my mother nod slightly, letting me know she was listening.
Maybe it was also time I finally told her about Tori’s blog, though I didn’t think it was necessary. The article itself didn’t even bother me. I’d dealt with a fair share of lies Tori made up about me before. I could handle it.
What I couldn’t handle was Alana believing each of those lies. Starting with the fact that, years ago, Tori made me out to be the guy on campus who’d fuck everyone. They just had to ask and I would jump at the opportunity.
It wasn’t true, but I never said anything about it because I didn’t care what other people thought about me.
Sure, I was a bit more active, especially when I was currently single. But that wasn’t a crime. And it certainly didn’t make me the guy Tori said I was.
But Alana believing her over me stung.
And Alana thinking I was stupid or desperate enough to fool around with Tori Caldwell herself while I was falling for her was… it was like she was ripping my heart right out of my chest.
The worst part, however, was her insinuating that she expected it to happen because of the very reputation Tori set up for me.
I thought she knew me better.
I didn’t know how to tell my mom though, but I forced out the truth anyway.
It took me a hot second to tell her everything. Tell her how I didn’t care about what Tori said about me, but how it ultimately destroyed everything Alana and I had going.
Or maybe she didn’t destroy anything. Maybe this was just the easy way out for her. Who even knew how Alana viewed our relationship to begin with? She didn’t tell me.
“Mom, I didn’t know… I didn’t think I’d end up… like this.” My eyes closed as I tried to suck in a breath. “Why does nobody ever like me, Mom? I know I did this to myself, but… why? Why did I fall for her, Mom? And why can’t anyone ever like me back?”
I thought Alana did, or at least I hoped she did.
In my mind, everything we did together couldn’t have been platonic. It couldn’t have been casual.
Guess it was for her.
“Oh, Eden,” she whispered, cupping my face with both of her hands. “Did you—”
“I might be the most unloveable person on the entire fucking planet,” I interrupted, my voice cracking.
“I know it was a deal. I know I wasn’t supposed to fall for her.
But I thought she liked me. We kissed. We…
” I sniffled lightly. “I really don’t think Tori ruined it.
Alana and I spent so much time together besides what we agreed on.
And she still doesn’t like me. She still only sees me as the guy Tori made me out to be years ago. I’m never enough for anyone.”
“That’s not true. You’ll be more than enough for the right people,” she said. “You’re a wonderful person, Eden. Anyone would be happy to have you in their life.”
“You have to say that because you’re my mom.” I pulled away from her instinctively.
Mom shook her head. “I mean, sure, part of me likes to believe all my kids are amazing people, but that’s no reason for me to lie to you.
Whether you want to believe me or not, you are a loveable person.
And deep down, I’m sure you know very well that you are.
You can be so proud of the person you have become. ”
My gaze fell to my hands in my lap, watching as I played with my fingers. “You were already married at this time at my age while I can’t even… God. I can’t even find someone who doesn’t see me as this spoiled, rich kid who only cares about himself, partying, and fucking around.”
“I was only married because your father thought he needed my hel—”
“I did need your help,” my father’s voice interrupted. As I turned around, I saw him leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. “Okay, and I might’ve been a little dramatic about it. But it worked out, didn’t it?”
Since I was sure he’d heard most of our conversation, I didn’t bother to catch him up to speed. “It worked out for you. I’m still just… me.”
“And what’s wrong with that?” Dad’s question hung in the air almost like a dare. Like he was ready to fight me right on the spot if I said the wrong thing.
I let out a heavy sigh, running a hand through my hair in frustration. “Everything, Dad. Everything is wrong with that.”
He pushed himself off the doorframe and walked over to the couch, taking a seat on the free side of me. “You know, your mom couldn’t stand me when we got married.”
“Miles…”
I looked at my dad, nodding softly. “Doesn’t mean Alana is magically going to like me. You were lucky.”
“I was lucky,” he agreed. “But so are you.”
“How?”
“You know who you are, Eden. You know what you want to do with your life even though you pretend you don’t.
You’re fortunate enough to have friends who called you all week long to ask how you’ve been doing.
You have a family who loves and supports you no matter what, not everyone gets that.
And I know, this doesn’t make up for the fact that you love someone who doesn’t return those feelings.
It sucks,” he said. “It’s awful, and believe me, I know what that’s like.
But if that one person makes you believe you’re not good enough, then they don’t deserve your love.
The right person will make you see that love is unconditional.
They won’t care about your name, some stupid rumors, or a college reputation. ”
“Alana didn’t care…” I muttered underneath my breath. “Not until that day.”
“Then maybe she’s more running from herself than she’s running from you,” Mom said. “Did you consider that?”