Chapter 3 #3
I was still shaking helplessly. “I’m just… I’m just a mess.” On the evenings I’d seen him, I’d managed to act friendly, casual, mostly normal. He hadn’t seen me as such a wreck since he’d found me in my apartment.
“You’re not a mess. Don’t say that about yourself.”
“It’s true.”
“You’re dealing with a lot. I can’t even imagine how much you’re dealing with.”
“I should do better though.”
“No, you shouldn’t. No one gets to say that. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s all anyone can expect.” He sounded almost angry, defensive, resentful against some hypothetical person who might be judging me.
I was still shaking but a little less violently now. “Okay.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said, sounding angry now with himself. “I can’t believe I managed to upset you so much. I’ve been hoping to… to make things a little better for you, but I managed to make them even worse.”
“It’s fine. It was just a… passing episode. I’m glad you’re okay.”
He was silent for a moment. I heard him breathing on the other end. Then, “Thanks.”
“What happened? I mean, is everything all right at work?”
“Yeah. We ran into some trouble, but it’s all fine now.”
“Was it… were you in danger or anything?”
“Not seriously.” I could tell from his voice that he was being careful to phrase things exactly right—probably so I wouldn’t be upset. “There was the potential, but it didn’t come to anything.”
“What happened?”
“There was a situation with a potential informant. I can’t give you any details. I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay,” I said immediately. It was probably better not to have too much information since the world he worked in was too close to the world that had hurt me so irrevocably. “I understand. I’m glad you’re okay.”
I’d said that before, so I don’t know why I was saying it again.
“I’m okay, Diana. I promise.”
I heard something in the background of the call, and it sounded like he was walking. “Where are you now?”
“I’m just getting into my car to head home.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll let you go.”
“You don’t have to—” he began, before he broke off and restarted. “Can I call you back in about an hour? I’ve got to make a couple of work calls on my way home, and then I need a shower and to grab something to eat. Will you still be awake in an hour?”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s fine. I won’t be asleep.”
The panic had subsided when I hung up, so I took a shower, put on my pajamas, and got ready for bed.
I was flipping channels on the TV—I slept with the TV on all night now since the silence was simply too oppressive—when Gideon called back.
“Hey,” he said. “You weren’t asleep yet, were you?”
“No. I’m awake. I never really sleep anymore.” I said it without thinking since it was simply a fact of my existence, one I’d lived with for the past three months.
It wasn’t until I heard the silence on the other end that I realized Gideon wouldn’t have had any way of knowing that before.
“What do you mean?” he asked slowly.
“Nothing. It’s no big deal. It’s just hard for me to sleep.”
“Haven’t they worked with you on that?”
“Yeah. Of course. They’ve given me relaxation techniques and everything. It’s just not as easy as that.” He didn’t answer, and it felt like he was waiting for more, so I added, “It’s just hard when you’re… you’re terrified to close your eyes.”
I heard him take a breath, and it made what I’d said feel even worse since I could sense how he’d reacted to it. “Do you have nightmares?”
“Yeah. But…” I stopped. No use to say it. No use to make him feel bad too.
“But what?”
“But I have them when I close my eyes, whether I’m asleep or not.”
He didn’t answer immediately. When he did it was nothing more than a low mutter. “Shit.”
We both just stayed on the line, breathing.
“Anyway, did you get anything to eat?” I asked at last, pitching my voice in a way that made it clear we needed to change the subject.
“Yeah,” he said immediately, sounding like himself again. “I got a burger on the way home.”
“You shouldn’t eat too many burgers.”
“How do you know I eat a lot of burgers?”
“Just a guess. But you do, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“See, a salad wouldn’t hurt you occasionally.”
He chuckled. “Even if I liked them, salads are a little challenging to eat in the car.”
“Well, don’t eat them in the car.”
“Half the time it’s the only way to fit in a meal.” Before I could respond to this, he asked, “What did they serve for dinner there tonight?”
“Oh, you would have liked it. Shrimp and steak.”
“Damn. It was the wrong day to miss.”
I smiled at his tone and adjusted so I was more comfortable in the bed.
“What are you doing?” he asked, when I’d managed to settle myself.
“Just getting more comfortable.”
“Are you in bed?”
“Yeah. What about you?”
“On the couch.”
“You just turned the television on.”
“Yeah. Sorry. I’ll turn it off.”
“No, it’s fine. What are you watching?”
I flipped to the sports channel he mentioned, and he talked some about baseball.
I’d never in my life cared about baseball, but it was better than hanging up and facing another endless night.
We chatted idly for a while until we fell into silence. I was just lying in bed with the phone to my ear, but it felt like I could feel his presence on the other end.
When I realized what I was doing, I gave a jerk. “Sorry. Sorry. We can hang up now.”
“No, it’s fine. I thought maybe you were falling asleep.”
“No. Just lying here.”
“Well, keep doing it as long as you want. I have a beer and baseball, and I’m not planning to go anywhere.”
It sounded like he meant it, so I didn’t hang up after all. I turned off the last light in the room and left the television on to the same channel he was watching. Then I pulled the covers up to my chin and positioned the phone so I could hear it but didn’t have to hold it.
I wasn’t really expecting to fall asleep. It was just nice to feel like I wasn’t alone in the darkness with the demons.
But I must have fallen asleep at some point because the nightmare came after all.
It was the same nightmare it always was.
Being pushed down against the table, a ruthless hand on my back or at my neck or pulling on my hair.
Foreign voices saying horrible things to me—things I couldn’t understand but were all the worse because of it.
My body violated. My entire self ripped to shreds.
It just never stopped.
I jarred awake, sweating, gasping, my blood pounding painfully all the way to my feet. I must have made some sort of noise, although I wasn’t aware of doing so, because I heard Gideon’s voice in the room.
“Diana? Diana! Are you all right?”
I managed to come down from the panic and fumbled in the dark until I found my phone. “Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Just a nightmare.” I processed enough to realize what happened. “What time is it? I can’t believe you’re still on the phone.”
“Well, to tell you the truth, I might have dozed off myself.”
“Are you still on the couch?”
“Yeah. I guess I better get to bed.”
“Yeah. You should. Thanks for talking to me so long.”
“We don’t have to hang up.”
I was embarrassed now though. Embarrassed that I’d been so needy. Embarrassed that he’d heard the nightmare. Embarrassed that he’d gotten a taste of my demons. So I said, “Yeah. We should. Get some sleep.”
He almost said, “You too.” I heard the automatic expression start to come out of his mouth. But he stopped himself and said instead, “Thanks. Goodnight.”
I disconnected the phone and then got out of bed to plug it into the charger since it was almost out of battery.
Then I got back in bed, flipped the TV to an old sitcom, and waited for the night to end.