Chapter 4 #6
I’d managed to finish, turn off the shower, and wrap myself with a towel when he tapped on the door. “Okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I need something to change into.”
“I’ve got something here for you.”
“Okay. You can come in.” Despite the warm shower, my teeth were still chattering.
I was completely wrapped in a big towel and mostly behind the shower door when he came in to put the pajamas he’d found in one of my drawers on the toilet lid.
He didn’t even glance over at me. He was wearing a white T-shirt and a pair of black sweatpants that were a little too short and a little loose around the waist. But at least they were dry and he was clothed.
He shut the door behind him when he stepped out again.
I towel-dried my hair the best I could and put on the pink pajama set he’d found. Then I slowly limped back out to the bedroom.
He wasn’t in the bedroom, but I could tell he’d changed the sheets on the bed. The sweaty, bloody ones were in a pile on the floor.
Since he wasn’t in the room, I kept limping into the main room of the cottage, and I found him in the kitchen. He was fixing a mug of herbal tea.
I stood like an idiot, staring at him and shivering helplessly, hugging my arms to my ribs.
He looked over at me, and his face softened visibly for the first time since we had washed dishes. “You should go to bed. But here, try to drink this first. Maybe you’ll stop shivering.”
I took the tea with both hands, afraid I might spill it with my weak arms. Then I went to the couch and sat down, sipping it slowly.
“You don’t want to go to bed?” he asked, coming over to stand beside me.
I shook my head over another sip of hot liquid. I didn’t want to go to bed. Bed was where the demons came most easily.
He found a plush blanket on the back of the couch and wrapped it around me. I pulled it closer as I drank my tea, trying to get warm.
Gideon disappeared, and I didn’t know where he went until he came back out with bandages for my feet.
He knelt down and put them on the raw places as I finished the tea, and I tucked my legs up under my body when he was done.
My teeth were still chattering though. I couldn’t seem to stop.
“Do you want some more tea?” he asked, taking the empty mug out of my trembling hands.
I shook my head.
“Do you want another blanket?” His eyes were searching my face urgently, and I knew he was worried.
There was nothing I could do about that now though. I just shook my head again.
“What can I do for you, Diana?” he asked, starting to reach over toward me but then stopping himself.
I couldn’t do anything except shake my head. I needed something, but I wasn’t sure anything could help.
We sat for a minute without speaking, the silence broken only by the chattering of my teeth.
Finally his mouth twisted, and he said, “I don’t know what else to do.”
And for some reason, for no good reason, that made me think of something he could do. “Can you—” I broke off the question because I didn’t want to ask it. I didn’t want to want it.
“Can I what?” He leaned over toward me, his eyes aching as much as my body. “Please tell me what you need, Diana. Anything in my power, I’ll do.”
I almost couldn’t say it. It took all the strength of my will to make my voice force out the halting words. “Can you… can you hold me?”
He made a sound in his throat—something akin to a groan—and reached out for me immediately.
It was a little awkward at first because I was wrapped in the blanket and we weren’t in a good position on the couch.
But he eventually moved me into his lap, my legs draped over his thighs so he could pull me against his chest and wrap both arms around me.
I shook and burrowed against him. “Tighter,” I mumbled, hiding my face in his T-shirt. He felt warm and hard and strong, and I wasn’t any of those things.
His arms tightened around me, and it felt even better. Stronger. Like I might be able to lose myself in him. “Tighter,” I said again.
His face seemed to be in my hair although I couldn’t sort through those kinds of logistics. But I heard him say thickly, “If I hold you any tighter, I’ll hurt you. And there’s no way in hell I’m going to do that.”
For some reason, the words cracked the final shaky barricade holding back the flood.
I started to shake against him even more, but this time it was more from emotion than cold. And there were tears. My eyes burned with tears.
Gideon seemed to realize it too. “Oh, Christ, Diana,” he murmured, his arms and body still surrounding me completely. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t going to be okay again. But hearing him say it made me cry even more. I was sobbing into his shirt now—messy, ugly, helpless emotion—and there was nothing I could do to hold it back.
He just kept holding me. Sometimes murmuring soothing words. What they meant didn’t penetrate, but the sound of his voice did. My sobs finally died off out of exhaustion and not really because I felt better.
I think I must have passed out or something since the last thing I remember was his arms.