Chapter 7 #3
He’d been dating other women for the past month.
He didn’t give me a lot of details, but I always asked—just to make sure it was happening and to remind myself of how our relationship had to be now.
So far, I didn’t think he’d gone out with any woman more than once, but he’d had a date at least once a week.
He came over every Friday still, but that was the only time during the week I saw him anymore.
As I’d expected, we were drifting apart. He was always kind and considerate and sometimes funny when he came over, but we never touched anymore and I could feel that he was holding something back.
It was good. It was the way it had to be. And it hurt me to see him drifting slowly away, but I knew it was for the best. Sometimes I cried at night because I missed him so much, but no one else had to know that.
As if in affirmation of my thoughts, my phone chirped just then with a text. I checked it, and it was Gideon.
I can’t come over tonight. Sorry. Something else came up. Have a good evening.
I stared at the phone, trying to process the fact that he wasn’t going to spend tonight—a Friday evening—with me.
Maybe it was work, but he probably would have just said so. That meant he had a date.
Very likely he was going to spend the evening with a gorgeous, vibrant woman who responded to his kisses, who would passionately go to bed with him, who could do all kinds of things to him that he’d been deprived of for the past several months.
The thought upset me so much that I was afraid I might be physically ill. But I made myself push it back. Gideon deserved to have all of that, and I just couldn’t give it to him.
I tapped out a quick reply just so I could erase his text from my phone. No problem. Enjoy your evening.
He didn’t call after work. It felt so wrong that he hadn’t called all week. It felt even worse than the knowledge that he wanted to spend Friday evening with a woman other than me, and that felt absolutely horrible.
When I got home, I got on the elliptical trainer and did it for an hour and a half. I didn’t tear myself up the way I used to, but I still felt like a failure. Ashamed. Dirty even after the shower I took.
And like I was too upset to even cry about it.
Gideon didn’t call at all, and I couldn’t go to sleep until very late. When I did, the nightmares came.
* * *
“Tell me about Gideon,” Dr. Jones said in her normal light, professional tone. It was nine o’clock on a Saturday morning—the following morning—but she looked as composed and pulled together as always.
My shoulders stiffened. “What about him?”
“Just tell me about him. You just said you went back to the elliptical because you were upset about his not coming over last night, so I wanted to hear a little more about him.”
“I’ve talked about him before.”
“But you’ve never told me what he’s like. What kind of a man is he? What’s his background?”
I frowned. I’d talked enough about Gideon for the past few months that she should know what he was like by now.
But it was a safe enough question that there wasn’t any point in refusing to answer it.
“He’s from Nebraska. He calls his family meat-and-potatoes-type people.
He’s really close to his parents—a lot closer than I ever was to mine.
I don’t think he really understands why my dad and I don’t have a better relationship.
He’s never said so, but I think he blames my dad for it. ”
“What does he blame him for?”
“For working all the time. For not making more of an effort with me. It’s nothing he’s ever said. It’s just his expression whenever I talk about my dad. And I think he’s angry with him about that business deal that… that got me targeted.”
“Does he always think in black-and-white terms that way?”
I thought about that for a minute. “Yeah. I think so. Right is right, and wrong is wrong, and people should do right. He is kind of that way. But he isn’t narrow and judgmental about it.
He holds himself to higher standards than he holds other people.
His dad was a sheriff, and I think Gideon knew all his life that he would go into law enforcement too.
He majored in criminal justice in college and did all kinds of internships so he could get into the FBI.
I think he’s always been really focused on his career. ”
“To the exclusion of other things?”
“I don’t know. I mean, he’s never been married. He’s never talked about having a serious girlfriend before. I’m sure he’s dated a lot, but I don’t think he was ever serious about anyone.”
“Until now?”
I shifted in my chair since I knew exactly what she was asking. “He’s dating other women.”
“I know that. But he was serious about you, wasn’t he?”
“I don’t know. He was interested. I don’t know how serious he was.” I didn’t like that she’d used the past tense about Gideon’s feelings for me. However irrational, the past tense really upset me.
“Last month you were taking the whole thing pretty seriously if he was just casually interested in you.”
I was starting to get emotional, but I tried to keep my voice calm. “Yeah. I took it seriously.”
“And you still think he was wrong about wanting a romantic relationship with you?”
I swallowed hard, hating the sound of that past tense again. “Yes. He was wrong about that.”
“You really think you couldn’t love him?”
“Yes, I could love him,” I snapped, trying to control a sudden surge of frustration. “I can’t have sex with him though.”
“Do you want to have sex with him?”
I blinked. “I just said—”
“You said you couldn’t have sex with him. I was wondering if you even wanted to have sex with him.”
“I… I don’t know.”
“Because if it’s something you want, then we can work on it. But maybe it’s not even something you want.”
“I… I don’t know. I can’t want it.”
“Does that mean you’re incapable of wanting it or that you do want it but don’t think you should?”
“I shouldn’t want it. But I don’t really know if I’m capable of wanting it either. Anytime I even test out that part of my mind, the demons go crazy. I just don’t think I can be that girl again.”
“What girl?”
“The girl who has that part of her life.”
“Do you want to be that girl?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed when I saw her looking at me with raised eyebrows. So I amended, “Of course I do. Of course I want to be that girl again.”
* * *
That evening, I went into the city to have dinner with a couple of my friends. I was determined not to fall into a downward spiral, so I didn’t want to brood by myself all weekend.
I didn’t call Gideon, and he didn’t call me.
My friends met at Julie’s, who lived near my old apartment. And near Gideon. But I didn’t let myself think about that fact.
I tried to socialize as best I could and managed to stay a couple of hours at Julie’s—long enough for dinner and some gossip.
The other girls were still going strong at nine o’clock, but I just couldn’t stand it anymore.
I was anxious and upset and emotional, and I couldn’t seem to get it under control.
I had to get away. Go home.
So I made up an excuse of a headache and left, walking the couple of blocks to where I’d parked my car. I was terrified of the walk down the sidewalk alone at night, but it was better than working myself up into a breakdown by staying and pretending to be happy.
I passed a club on the way to my car. It was really loud—the music blaring out from inside—and there were people hanging out in front of it, including groups of guys who, in the darkness, looked kind of rough to me.
I was already nervous, and I crossed the street so I could walk past the club from the opposite sidewalk and then crossed again farther down to reach my car.
I’d seen that club a zillion times when I used to live in the area, but it made chills of fear run up and down my spine now.
I was so nervous I was panting with it as I caught sight of my car. I sped up to a power walk so I could get to it more quickly.
I whirled around with a gurgle when a voice called from behind me, “Diana! Diana!”
I knew the voice though. It was Gideon. And there he was, approaching me from across the street. He wore khakis and a black dress shirt.
He was with a pretty, little brunette who was smiling and clinging to his arm. She wore a little blue dress with thin straps, despite the fact that it was a coolish autumn evening.
I tried to steady my breathing as he approached so he wouldn’t know how nervous I’d been. He was frowning as he got close enough to speak in a normal voice. “What are you doing out here alone?”
And for some reason the question was like a stab through my chest, that he clearly thought I was some delicate flower who couldn’t even make a three-block walk to her car at a time of the evening when there were plenty of people around.
“I was at Julie’s,” I said, forcing a smile. “I’m just heading home.”
He was still frowning as he studied my face, but I turned away from him and looked at his companion instead. “I’m Diana.”
The girl grinned brightly. “I’m Maria. It’s nice to meet you. Have you known Gideon long?”
I knew exactly what the question was intended to do. She was fishing for information about who I was and what my relationship was with Gideon.
“We’ve been friends for a few months,” I said, forcing a friendly, casual tone. “What are you all up to this evening?” I shifted my eyes over to Gideon and then quickly back to Maria.
He didn’t answer, but she said, “We went to dinner at Gallagher’s, and now we’re just… hanging out.”
I knew that phrase for what it was. That after-dinner time on a date when you figure out whether you’re heading back to someone’s place for sex.
I swallowed hard and forced back the sick feeling. I think I said something appropriate, but I have no idea what it was.
The more I looked at Maria, the more I recognized her expression. She was happy. Excited. On the edge of thrilled. She had that I’m-on-a-date-with-a-fantastic-man-and-it’s-going-really-well look.
I’d seen that look before. I might have even had it myself from time to time in a previous life.