Chapter 10 #3
Just so it’s clear, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be part of Gideon’s life.
I wanted that more than anything. I always made sure he shared with me about his work, and his family, and his day, and his dreams, and anything he wanted or needed.
I didn’t want to be cut off from this important part of his world, but I kept brooding on what it would mean.
Gideon was so proud of me, and he assumed everyone else would see what he saw.
But they would know everything that had happened since they’d been involved in the operation, the arrests, and the trials.
They would know, and I had this lingering dread that Gideon would see me differently when he saw me through his coworkers’ eyes.
I made myself ignore this fear since I knew it had no logical foundation.
And I put on a cute, stretchy T-shirt and flattering jeans.
I also worked on my makeup so the others would at least think I was pretty.
And I made sure not to say anything that would give Gideon a clue that I hated the idea of going to the cookout.
The afternoon wasn’t bad. There was a volleyball game beginning when we arrived, so we joined in. I’m okay at volleyball—not great but not embarrassing—so I could mostly not draw attention to myself and enjoy Gideon’s obvious competitive camaraderie with his friends.
We all sat around afterward, drinking beer and grilling burgers, and I kept a smile on my face and tried to fade into the background.
I knew his coworkers and their spouses watched me sometimes, checking me out, but I wasn’t actually put on the spot. Until after we ate.
I had gotten up to collect some plates and napkins to throw in the trash, and Gideon wasn’t in his place when I returned. I stood next to the benches stupidly, wondering where he’d gotten to.
Then an arm slipped around me from behind, and a head tilted down to kiss the side of my throat. I knew it was Gideon. I knew it. But my heart still jumped up into my throat.
I managed to hide my reaction this time, and I didn’t pull away when he kept his arm around me and pulled me back against his front.
“Are you having a good time?” he asked, his voice low so only I could hear.
“Yeah.” I made myself smile, but I was fighting the instinct to yank myself away from him. I couldn’t stand the feel of his body behind mine.
He knew I had problems with him coming at me from behind, but I made myself not feel resentful about his forgetting.
It wasn’t his fault. He thought I was fixed.
He thought he could finally let down his guard.
Not be on edge constantly for fear of triggering one of my issues.
I wasn’t going to take that away from him.
If I made a fuss, he would start to scrutinize my every move, and then he couldn’t relax and enjoy regular life like any other man.
“We can leave whenever you want,” he said, planting more little kisses on the side of my neck.
“No hurry. Whenever you’re ready.” I turned my head to look up at him, and he kissed me on the mouth.
“Hey! None of that! There are kids around.” That was Jeff, a friendly, middle-aged member of his team. Even after just one afternoon, I recognized his voice.
Gideon chuckled and gave me another little kiss. “Tell them to look away.”
I was blushing when I turned back to face everyone. They were all smiling at us, some teasing and some almost paternal.
It made me incredibly uncomfortable because I knew what was prompting the looks.
They were all so glad that Gideon finally had a real, functional girlfriend.
While he certainly wouldn’t have told them the ins and outs of our relationship, they had to have known that he was unfulfilled in the relationship department for a really long time.
Another guy on his team—this one a little younger than Gideon—said, “I’m glad you came today. We’ve been waiting a long time to meet My Diana.” His wife elbowed him, making it clear that this wasn’t something he should have said.
I frowned in confusion. “What?”
“It’s nothing. Don’t listen to Rick. He’s an idiot.” Gideon said it loud enough for Rick to hear although he only sounded faintly annoyed. Then he muttered, “Shit,” and released his hold on me.
One look told me he’d realized what he was doing, holding me from behind, and he felt bad about it. He looked apologetic, but I shrugged it off. I certainly wasn’t going to get into that discussion now.
Instead, I asked, “What did he mean by My Diana?” I looked from Gideon to the rest of them. Obviously, everyone knew what it meant except me.
Gideon looked sheepish, and it was Jane, one of the women on the team, who actually answered.
“It’s just our way of giving Gideon a hard time.
For a while, whenever he referred to you, he’d stumbled over what to call you.
Friend, girlfriend, what. So it was always something like, ‘I’m going to my…
my… Diana’s house.’ So we took to kidding him about My Diana. ”
“Oh.” My stomach was twisting horribly, but I couldn’t possibly make a big deal over such a little thing. “That’s funny.”
I hated the idea of them talking about me, laughing about me. Not that they were making fun of me, but their teasing made it very clear that they’d all known how much in limbo Gideon had been for such a long time.
Now they were all happy because I was fixed and Gideon could at last be in a real relationship where he wouldn’t have to stumble over what to call me.
Except I wasn’t fixed. And Gideon really deserved someone who was.
I made sure to hide this response, and I laughed with the others. I was getting good at faking it.
* * *
The cookout broke up a little early because half of them got paged. Something work related had come up.
I was relieved since it meant I could go home.
Gideon gave me a quick kiss and told me he’d be late, so he’d just call me tonight and see me tomorrow. That sounded exactly right to me.
I drove out to my little cottage and tried to unwind. There was no reason to feel this way. I hated myself for feeling this way.
I didn’t even have as many nightmares and breakdowns as I used to. I just felt anxious all the time.
I tried to read and then tried to watch TV, but I couldn’t seem to focus. So I sat and brooded until I was absolutely convinced that the most ethical thing for me to do was break up with Gideon.
I didn’t want to break up with him. I couldn’t imagine having the strength to do it. But I kept thinking through how it would be best for him, and then I felt guilty for not wanting it.
After a long time, something unstoppable propelled me to my feet. And I saw myself, felt myself, going into my bedroom, putting on my old shoes, and getting onto my elliptical trainer.
I felt better when I started to push myself, so I didn’t stop.