Chapter 3
Maple
I knew before I opened the door.
I don’t know how I knew. Some kind of cellular memory that had developed over three months of him showing up — at the studio, at River’s game — always at exactly the moment I hadn’t braced for him yet.
My hand was on the doorknob and I already knew, and I opened it anyway because what was I going to do, hide in my own kitchen?
Cade Sonnenberg. On my porch.
“What the hell, Maple?”
I blinked. Shouldn’t I be asking him that?
“What?”
“Are you okay?” He was looking at me with genuine worry in his eyes.
His eyebrows were knotted together and his mouth was closed in a frown.
I looked at me directly and without blinking, and I needed him to stop doing that immediately.
“I went to the studio but you’d already left.
What’s going on Maple? Why weren’t answering your phone —“
“I’m fine.”
“And River?”
“River is also fine.”
“Hey, Cade.”
I turned around.
River had materialized in the hallway. River, who thirty seconds ago had been so absorbed in his phone that a small earthquake could have relocated our living room furniture without him noticing, had physically walked to the front door to say hello to Cade Sonnenberg.
What the hell?
“Hey, River. How’re you doing?” Cade gave him a small smile and then looked at me right away with the same “concerned” look on his face.
“We’re playing finals this weekend. Wanna come?” River asked with a proud smile.
“Wow, that’s great bud. Congratulations. Maybe I’d be there. I don’t know yet.” Cade said, and looked back at me, the same stern expression right there on his face.
After this conversation, you’ll know for sure.
“River.” My voice came out clenched from between my teeth. “Go to your room please.”
River looked at me. “I haven’t finished my cereal.”
I smiled. It was the kind of smile that took genuine effort to maintain. “Then finish your cereal. And go to your room.”
“Please,” I added. As an afterthought. A very tightly managed afterthought.
“Okay, ma’am,” he said. He rolled his eyes, smiled at Cade — a full, real smile, the one I had to work for — and said “See you around” and wandered back to the dining table with unbothered energy.
I turned back to Cade. He was already looking at me with that very fake worried look still sitting on his face.
I stepped outside, almost pushing him off my “welcome to our home” mat.
My body language apparently communicated something very clearly because Cade took two automatic steps back to give me room to stand without us being in each other’s faces, and I pulled the door shut behind me.
The evening air hit me immediately. Chestnut Ridge in October was chilly at the right places.
It was cold, the kind of sharp cold that had teeth in it, and I was standing on my porch in my dance bralette and tights because I had come straight from the studio and hadn’t changed, and I wasn’t going to go back inside to get a sweater because I wanted this man off my porch immediately.
He reached for his jacket.
“Don’t,” I said.
“Maple, please wear my ja—“
“I don’t want it.”
“You’ll catch a cold.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
He looked at me. I looked somewhere to the left of his face, which was the maximum distance I could manage while still technically facing him.
“What do you want, Cade?”
Something shifted in his expression. The concern I had just witnessed morphed with an expression that looked like irritation.
“What do I want? Maple, you’ve been ignoring me for an entire week.
Reading every message and ignoring me. Not answering my calls.
I have been out of my mind with worry. I thought something happened to you or River. If something happened to you, I’d I’d…”
“You would what? Would have lost a great fuck.?”
Cade went completely still. He looked confused and irritated at the same time.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just leave.”
The concern was completely gone from this face now.
He was just angry, which was fine, anger I could work with.
“What the hell are you talking about? I’m standing here telling you I’ve been sick with worry about you and you’re making some lame digs at me?
” He shook his head. “Why did you leave the party that night? You didn’t even text me—“
“River was home,” I said. “He had his troublemaker friends over. I had to deal with it.”
“You could have texted me. I would have come. I could have helped, or talked to River—“
“I handled it. He’s my brother. I know how to handle my own brother.”
Cade stopped. The anger dialed back. He looked at me carefully, as if he was trying to solve a very difficult puzzle.
“Maple.” he said quietly. “What’s wrong? Are you mad at me about something?”
Am I mad?
Let me think about that for a second. You told your best friend I’m good under the sheets and that’s where I belong.
You told him you’re only with me for fun.
You said you don’t even care if I believe we have a future together because it’s not your problem, and then you laughed about it, and I was standing outside and I heard every syllable.
No, Cade. I’m not mad. I’m completely serene.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I just think we’re too different. It’s better to part ways now, while it’s still easy.”
He stared at me.
“Easy? What part of this is easy, Maple? You’ve been ignoring me for a week and now telling me this is easy and you made that decision — by yourself, without telling me, without asking for my opinion—“
“I didn’t need your opinion.”
“Because in my opinion—“ He caught himself. Started again, slower. “In my opinion, something serious was happening between us.”
I thought something serious was happening between us too, Cade. And then you ruined it.
Girls like her don’t belong here. She’s good under the sheets and that’s where she belongs — until it’s time to pack up and move on. A Sonnenberg doesn’t marry a pole dancer.
“Never mind, Cade.” I crossed my arms. The cold was getting worse. I refused to acknowledge the cold. “I don’t want to see you again. Please leave.”
“What?” He looked genuinely floored. “Maple, what are you saying—“
“Please leave.”
He didn’t leave. He looked at me with that expression — distraught, open, the one that had been making me trust him for three months, the one that had worked so well and so completely — and said, very gently: “Maple. Please. Open up to me. Please just tell me what’s wrong.”
There’s plenty wrong, Cade.
For one, you played me. You played me so well I didn’t even see it coming.
And I should have. I should have seen it because men like you have been playing women like me since the beginning of time and I knew that, I had a whole policy about it, and then you came into my life, and I threw the entire policy in the trash.
“There’s nothing wrong,” I said. “Go home. It’s cold and I cannot afford to get sick. I have bills to pay.”
“Then let me come inside—“
“No.”
“Let me give you my jacket—“
“No.” I looked at him directly for the first time. That was a mistake. He was looking right back at me and his face was doing too many things at once. “I don’t need your jacket, Cade. I only needed the truth from you. And you couldn’t manage that.”
He went very still. “What truth? Maple, what are you—“
“Oh, that’s right.” I laughed. It came out wrong, too bright and too brittle.
“I forgot. You don’t like serious conversations with me.
You’re only here for fun.” I uncrossed my arms. “Well. Fun’s over, Cade.
You’ll have to find a different girl who’s a great fuck.
But this time, do her a favor and tell her up front.
Don’t pretend you care about her life and her brother and then laugh about her with your friends at a party. Don’t play her, Cade.”
His forehead, which had been knotted in confusion, went smooth. The creases between his brows disappeared. His whole face changed in the span of about two seconds, cycling through confusion and then understanding and then something that looked very much like devastation.
He knew.
He knew that I knew.
“I heard you that night.” My voice came out steadier than I felt.
“I was on the back porch and the door was open and you didn’t see me.
I heard you tell Kyle that you’re just having fun with me.
That you don’t care if I think we have a future together because that’s my problem, not yours.
That I’m good under the sheets and that’s where I belong.
” I stopped. “I heard every word, Cade. Every single one.”
“Oh, Maple—“
I put my hand up. “Don’t.”
He closed his mouth.
“So you can stick that concern up your ass and find someone new to have fun with. And I do agree with you about one thing — you are getting old. Better hurry before the young sexy girls stop being interested.” I tilted my head.
“Although I’m sure you can always fall back on the fake genuineness.
That worked very well on me. Hopefully next time she’ll be smarter than I was and see straight through the fall walks and the carefully remembered shoe sizes directly to what’s actually underneath.
I hope she’ll be able to see your ugly soul. ”
“Maple, please let me explain.”
“You have nothing to explain.”
“Please just let me—“
“There’s nothing to explain, Cade. What would you even say? How do you explain something you said to your best friend when you thought no one was listening? That’s the thing about those conversations. They’re true. That’s the whole point of them.”
“Please—“
“There’s. Nothing. To explain.”
He stopped trying. He just looked at me. The devastated expression had settled in and wasn’t moving.
I looked back at him.
Three months. Three months of being careful, three months of his patience with River and his coffee at the studio and his quiet understanding of exactly how to take down every single wall I had, and it had all been because he wanted a pretty young girlfriend to have fun with until he got bored.
I should have known.
I did know. I knew before I let any of it happen. That’s the worst part.
“One more thing,” I said. My voice was going tighter than I wanted it to.
“I was a pole dancer. I know that. I know what it means to people like you. But I am proud of it. I’m proud of every night I danced in those heels because every single dollar I made went toward keeping River safe and keeping the lights on and building a life that nobody handed me.
So don’t you ever — “ My voice cracked. Just once. Just slightly. “Don’t you ever belittle me for that.”
“Oh, Maple.”
He said it so quietly. And he looked — he looked like he might actually cry, which was the one thing I had not been prepared for, and I felt the heat coming up behind my own eyes and I was absolutely not doing this, I was not crying in front of Cade Sonnenberg on my own porch.
As I turned around, he held my hand.
“I’m sorry, Maple” His voice was rough. “Please don’t shut me out. I want you in my life, I just — I don’t know how I said those things—“
I spun back around. The tears were still right there, right at the edge, and the only thing I had to keep them from falling was the rage, so I held onto the rage with both hands.
“You don’t know how?” My voice went up. “Is that what you’re trying to say?
You just opened your mouth and those words fell out by accident?
You’re sick, Cade. Just own up to it. Stand here and tell me to my face that you thought that way about me.
At least give me that. Don’t stand here and say you don’t know how. ”
“You’re right.” He held my gaze. He didn’t look away.
“You’re right. I did think that. But that was a week ago.
This one week without you made me realize things I never did before.
I realized what you mean to me. I was stupid, Maple.
Just stupid. And I will own up to it. I will own up to every single thing I said that hurt you.
I will fix this, Maple. If you just give me a chance—“
“You can’t fix this.”
“I can. Please just—“
“Go home, Cade.” I pulled my hand back. “Sleep it off. You feel bad right now because you got caught. Tomorrow you’ll feel better. The week after that you’ll find someone new.”
“I don’t want someone new.”
“Then you’ll have a very dull few weeks until you change your mind.”
“Maple—“
“Do not contact me.” My hand was on the door. “Do not contact River. Do not show up at the studio. Do not send me texts that I will read and not answer.” I looked at him one last time. “Goodbye, Cade.”
“Listen to me, Maple. I won’t give up on you. I won’t give up on River. I’m going to make this right. That’s my promise to you.”
I went inside. I turned around to look at him one last time. There was just the frame of the door that was in between the two of us. He was looking at me with pure pleading in his eyes.
As if I cared anymore.
I gave him my best fake smile, raised my right hand and pushed out my middle finger right in front of his face.
“Fuck you, Cade.” I shut the door on his face. I stood on the inside of it with my back against the wood. There was a long pause. Then his voice, muffled through the door.
“I won’t give up on you, Maple.”
“I won’t give up on River.”
And then, quieter, slower, like he was saying it to himself as much as to me. “I won’t give up on us.”
I stood against the door and stared at the ceiling and listened to his footsteps on the porch steps and then on the path and then the click of his car door and the sound of him driving away.
***