Chapter 22
Ispend most of my Thanksgiving break locked in my bedroom, watching and rewatching every clip of Nox I can find until the lesson his father so kindly gave me—the lesson Nox tried to explain, the one I refused to hear—drills home.
I’m a liability.
A liability he just can’t afford.
One of his gold medals was decided by three one-hundredths of a second. It takes longer than that to blink. He’s so confident, so cocky, so strong, I never realized just how close those big races could be, until I watched them with my own eyes. Again. And again. And again.
And if that weren’t enough to convince me, the letter waiting in my dorm when I get back from vacation seals the deal.
My application for the junior-year study abroad program has been approved.
I’ve made it to the final round. The interviews take place in February, and by March, they’ll tell us who got in.
This is real.
This is happening.
I’m still too chickenshit to admit it until the very last second, though.
I savor these last three weeks of December, our last three swim lessons before the semester ends.
Nova, Willa, Logan, and Grant come to every one.
It feels special, like a moment in time we’ll never have again.
The six of us goofing off, laughing, having fun with no pressure, no expectations, a little slice of stress-free living within the haze of finals.
Two hours before my dad is set to pick me up, I finally send Nox the text I’ve been dreading.
You home?
He replies immediately.
Yeah. Why?
Don’t go anywhere.
The door opens before I even step fully into the frame, as if he’s been staring through the peephole ever since he read my text. I was depending on a moment to collect myself—I needed that moment.
Instead, totally flustered, I shove the footlong sub I’m holding into his chest and blurt, “Merry Christmas.”
His brows knit as he drops his gaze. “Meatball?”
“Obviously.”
“Thanks?”
I yank my hand back, thoughts racing a mile a minute.
He juggles the sub for a second, staring at me with an adorably bemused expression. “Were we doing the present thing? Because I didn’t get you one, and now I feel like kind of an ass.”
I roll my eyes. “No. That’s a sandwich, Nox. It doesn’t actually count as a Christmas present.”
“Okay…” He tilts his head, trying to read me. “So why are—”
“I came to say thank you.”
“Ahh.” Realization lights his eyes as his lips twist into a grin. He crosses his arms and leans casually against the door. “Now I get why you’re so uncomfortable.”
“Oh, shut up.” I wrinkle my nose at him.
His mouth stretches even wider. “Well?”
“Thank you,” I start to say, then freeze, still trying to catch my bearings.
He arches a brow. “For…?”
I pin him with a glare. “The swim lessons.”
“You know, you really suck at this whole gratitude thing. You might want to look into it. Get some help. Take a class.”
“Just give me a second,” I snap. He lifts his fist to his mouth, covering a laugh. I blow out a breath. “I had a speech prepared, but you opened the door too quickly and totally threw me off my game.”
“So now it’s my fault?”
“Yes.” I scrunch my eyes and shake my head. “No. I mean— I just— I need to think.”
“Wow. Did you by any chance bring popcorn with the sub? Because this is like watching a slow-motion train wreck.”
“Nox,” I whine.
He opens the wrapping and takes a big bite with a wide grin.
“Thank you for the swim lessons.” The words rush out of my mouth.
His chewing forces him to be quiet for once, letting me get into a groove.
“I really don’t know what I would have done without you this fall.
I never would have made so much progress.
You helped me more than you’ll ever know.
You—you saved me. Really, Nox. You did. And not just with the swimming.
You helped me open up. You helped me face my fears.
You showed me it’s okay to keep living my life, that it’s not selfish to want more for myself.
I mean, you gave me back the water.” An awed laugh slips from my lips.
He swallows, his face slackening, softening, as he takes me in with the slightest citrine twinkle in his eyes.
“Marine biology is my whole life. It’s the only thing I’ve ever cared about.
And for a while there, I really thought it was going to slip through my fingers.
But I have a fighting chance now. There’s a light at the end of my fucked-up tunnel.
I have hope for the first time in a long time that what happened to me, that what I did, isn’t the end of my dreams. And I owe so much of that to you.
I never thought I would say this back in September, but I really think I’m going to make it to Australia next year.
It’s so close, I can taste it, you know? ”
The second I say it, he stiffens.
The glow in his gaze disappears.
His jaw clenches.
My stomach flips at the sudden change, but I power through, because it’s what he deserves.
He did so much for me. He upheld his end of the bargain.
Now it’s time for me to uphold mine…and disappear.
“Anyway, that’s the second half of why I’m here.
To let you off the hook. My scuba class starts after J-term.
I’ll be in the pool once a week with an instructor until the lake warms up.
And I know with Worlds coming, your schedule is about to get a lot crazier, so I don’t want you to waste your time with me once a week when you could be doing, well, whatever it is you do with Coach Fleishman all day.
You can have your goddamn peace of mind,” I say, harkening back to the original terms of our deal. “You’re free.”
My words hang there, heavy in the silence. He studies my face as if looking for cracks, before finally murmuring, “What if I don’t want to be free?”
I inhale, chest expanding, swelling almost to the point of pain.
He leans forward, head bending over mine.
If I wanted to close the distance, all I’d have to do is lift onto my toes.
It would be so easy. My head tilts back, drawing up under his pull.
When he breathes, warm air brings a tingle to my lips. He licks his.
“What if I told you swimming lessons with you are the highlight of my week?”
“I’d say you’re not that good a liar.”
“Clara.” My name spills from his lips like a groan pulled all the way from his toes, and my stomach clenches at the sound. I’m desperate to put a little space between us, to redefine the lines.
“Nox,” I plead.
“If you really want to thank me, answer one question.” His eyes lift back to mine. He slips his hand between the folds of my jacket, finding my hip. My chest tightens, burns, my heart aflutter. His gaze darkens, filling with promise. “Do I give you butterflies?”
I know what he’s really asking. Permission. To cross the line we’ve drawn.
Indecision rips through me.
As if sensing it, he steps closer, heat flashing across his features as he scans mine for some hint, some sign.
I don’t understand how he doesn’t see the way every inch of me lights up, a human firework at his touch.
Every muscle in my body clenches in anticipation.
But I’ve seen how this story ends. I’ve tried clinging to someone on a diverging path.
I’ve made that mistake before, and I won’t do it again, especially not with someone who was never mine to begin with.
I’m making it to Australia. He’s winning his gold medals.
If this happens right now, all we’ll do is get in each other’s way.
I’d never forgive myself for fucking up his dreams when he’s the only reason mine finally feel back within reach.
“I can’t.”
He deflates.
“I’m sorry.”
A wry smile flutters over his lips as he drops his arm. “Wow. A thank-you and an apology all in one day. I hit the Clara Hayes jackpot.”
I sigh. There’s so much more I want to say, but it will just complicate things.
So I step back. Step away.
He follows me with his eyes, saying nothing, that glint turning to steel. Just before I turn, he grabs my hand. Not hard or rough, barely a graze, but even the slightest brush of his skin is enough to send my nerves on high alert, to make me freeze.
“Is this about what happened at my meet?”
“Yes?” I scrunch my brows, wavering. “No? I don’t know.”
“What did my dad say to you?”
“Nothing I didn’t already know.”
His jaw clenches. His brow furrows. He’s trying to hide it but I can see him mentally beating himself up about a mistake that wasn’t even his to begin with, and it’s the exact reason I have to step away.
“Look, I just—” I start, stop, lick my lips, then start again.
“I just can’t be the reason you lose something you’ve been working your entire life to achieve.
I won’t be.” A little puff of air escapes my lips as they twist into a slight smile, bringing us back to safer territory.
“Besides, I know you. I’d never hear the end of it.
And I’m not about to give you ammo to hold over my head for the rest of my life. ”
“The rest of your life, huh?” he asks with a quirk to his lips, taking the silent offering, the subtle truce. “Now who’s acting full of themselves?”
“You know, I watched your gold medal race in the 100m butterfly. For someone so cocky, you didn’t win by much.”
“Maybe not.” A full grin pulls at his cheeks. “But I did win.”
“Yeah.” I bark out a laugh. “You did.”
I’m halfway down the hall when he calls out again. “This isn’t over, Clara.”
“No?” I spin, walking backward with a goading look.
“When the lake warms up, I’m taking you back out there.”
I arch my brows. “That eager to have me at your mercy?”
“You have no idea.”
His eyes darken, blaze. The heat of that look barrels down the hallway, so forceful I trip over my own feet, nearly dropping to my ass as I right myself and turn around.
“Merry Christmas, Nox.” I toss the words over my shoulder with a nonchalance I don’t feel.
“Merry Christmas, Clara.”
I’m too afraid to meet his gaze, but I feel it as I make my way down the entire length of the hallway, as I wait for the elevator, as I step through the doors. That inferno sizzles long after the awareness of him fades away.