Saturday
When the dodgeball victory celebrations finally cease and we make it back to our dorm, I lean against my closet door, eying my friends from across the room while they dig through Nova’s suitcase for the right outfits.
“You know, I’m so lucky to have you guys,” I murmur.
They glance quickly over at me. “We’re so lucky to have you, too.”
“Not everyone can say they have two best friends who would never ever abandon them in their time of need, never choose a guy over them, remain loyal through thick and thin, through every challenge, every obstacle, every—”
“Okay, okay.” Nova stands up, staring at me with her hands on her hips. “I see what you’re doing. And I’m sorry. But you know Logan drives me crazy. I couldn’t just let him win like that. And I knew I needed to take him out of the game. Subterfuge was the only way to do it.”
I arch a brow at her, then turn to Willa, who cringes. “I have no excuse. I just couldn’t stand there with Nox staring at me like he would murder me to get you alone for one second longer. I totally caved. I’m sorry.”
“I know.” I relax my face and smile. “I’m only teasing. It’s just…”
“Hard to be around him again?” Nova offers.
“Yeah.” I sigh.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Willa asks.
“Not really.”
“Do you want to talk about him?”
“No.”
There’s nothing they could say to make me feel better when I don’t even know how I feel.
If I hear he’s doing great? I’ll be happy, but also mad as hell.
If I hear he’s suffering without me? I’ll be sad, but also selfishly relieved.
There’s no being better, being worse. I need to talk directly with him—eventually.
“Do you want to put on a really hot outfit that will make him absolutely lose his mind at the sight of you?” Nova asks with a rueful grin.
I bite my bottom lip. “Maybe?”
“Step into my office.”
She ushers me over to her suitcase, taking my look of silent gratitude and offering back an encouraging grin. I know what she’s doing—saying that while he may be her brother, I’m still her best friend. We both matter. We’re both important. And right now, she’s on my side.
We settle on the shortest cutoff shorts I’ve ever squeezed into, plus a white spaghetti-strap crop top so tiny it might as well be a bra.
When I tell them both I feel like a hooker, Nova tosses an oversized black blazer my way.
It helps—hanging low enough in the back to cover my exposed ass cheeks, with enough room I can pull it fully around my midriff if I get cold.
Paired with my customary sneakers, the outfit somehow works.
I look cool, chic, as if I’m not trying too hard but am totally sexy at the same time. Nova’s a genius.
And…I’m not above admitting I do feel a secret little thrill when Nox appears sucker-punched by the sight of me.
His eyes bug out. He wheezes.
I’m too far away to hear what Logan whispers in his ear as he throws an arm across Nox’s shoulders and physically pulls him in the other direction, but it doesn’t quite work. I see Nox glance back over. I feel his gaze inch its way across my skin.
“Mission totally accomplished,” Nova whispers, hip-checking me conspiratorially.
I duck my head with a laugh, unable to quite smother my grin.
“Where to first?” Willa asks.
I turn my attention to the rest of the upper quad—peppered with people and food trucks and drinks. Ever since my tumble into the lake freshman year, Swiftmore hasn’t held a single event down on the lower quad.
Whoops.
My bad.
Apologies to everyone in my graduating class that we’re being forced to admire the view of the huge gray stone mansion at my back instead of a beautiful twinkling lake at sunset.
I, for one, am relieved to keep my distance.
Those waters hold too many memories. And there’s a little more space this way, without everyone crowding the shoreline.
My stomach growls as I take in the options. “Tacos?”
“I could do a margarita,” Willa adds.
“Done,” Nova decides and we make our way across the grass to get in line.
It’s easy to be distracted here. Every time I turn around, there’s someone saying hi, asking how I’ve been, gushing that it’s so good to see me.
I honestly didn’t realize I had so many friends.
Most of them, I’m sure, are just coming over for Willa and Nova, including me to be nice or maybe just because of the nostalgic aura hanging in the air.
I don’t really care. I take it. Eventually, I stop keeping one eye on the jet-black hair rising a few inches over the rest of the crowd.
I stop worrying he might be behind me every time I turn around.
My defenses lower—too much.
“Hey.”
The deep rumble of his voice sends a wave of goose bumps over my skin.
I suck in a breath and turn. My foot steps back on instinct, my body already planning a retreat while my mind races to catch up.
Nox reaches out and grabs my hand to thread our fingers together.
The heat of his skin sends a shock wave through me.
I’ve spent eighteen months desperately trying to forget his touch, and in one moment, all that effort shatters.
The ghost of him is everywhere. Lips on my neck.
Fingers in my hair. Cheeks against my thighs.
Hands gripping my hips. Arms holding me tight.
Legs tangled with mine. I can’t breathe from the rush of memories washing over me, all of them pulsing, burning from that single spot of contact.
I yank my hand free.
“Please don’t go,” he rushes to say, the confident, cocky man gone, as if touching me has also shattered his control.
“I know what you’re doing,” I caution.
“What am I doing?”
“You want me to fight back. You want me to admit I still care.”
“Do you?”
Pain streaks across my chest like a comet. “Nox.”
“Come on, Clara,” he presses, never one to back down. It sends me over the edge.
“What do you want?” I snap. “What? Just tell me.”
“You,” he blurts, as though it’s obvious, as though there’s never been and never could be any other answer.
The frustration seeps from his gaze as he takes a deep breath and bows his head closer, leaving one simmering emotion behind—the one I’m most terrified to acknowledge.
“I want the only thing I’ve ever wanted.
” He softens his tone, his expression. “You.”
You did have me.
Those are the words on my lips—the ones I can’t bear to say, to even face, because they’ll lead down a road ripe with questions I’m not ready to answer.
I shake my head instead, not sure if I can trust him, not sure if I believe him, not sure of anything really.
“Please just talk to me,” he pleads. “Let me explain.”
“Not here.”
It’s too much, too soon. Everyone is staring. Everyone is listening. Panic creeps up my throat. He steps closer, as if he can sense my flight instincts kicking in.
“Then let’s go somewhere.”
“I just want to have fun tonight.”
“Have fun with me.”
He says it so sincerely, I almost feel bad for how quickly the laugh barrels up my throat, sharpened by disbelief.
“Okay, fine.” He sighs, rolls his eyes. “Have fun near me. Don’t keep shutting me out. You don’t give a shit about most of these people anyway. I don’t either. If you want to spend a night reliving college, let’s do it. All six of us. Together.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You won’t corner me into a conversation?”
“No,” he promises immediately.
“You won’t try to get me alone?”
“No,” he says with slightly less gusto.
“You won’t touch me?”
He hesitates, scanning my bare skin. Then he swallows. “Not unless you ask me to.”
I guess I can live with that. “Deal.”
“Excellent.” He grins, then looks up and makes some sort of nod. The next thing I know everyone is here, as if they’ve been waiting all day for this moment.
“Do we have a truce?” Logan says enthusiastically, so eager I have to fight a groan. I’ve heard those words before, and I know how well they ended the first time. What the hell did I get myself into?
Yet I find myself agreeing, “We have a truce.”
“Yes!” Logan cheers. “Let’s get this party started.”
Turns out, that’s harder than he thinks.
Yes, the six of us are together—in body.
But spirit is another thing entirely. The tension between Nox and me is still so thick we’d need a chainsaw to cut through it.
The pretend relationship going on between Nova and Logan is so laughable Willa and I can barely even look at them with straight faces.
And there’s something palpable in the subtle glances Grant keeps turning Willa’s way. The vibes are just off. It’s obvious.
“How about a game?” Nova finally suggests. It’s where we’ve always been most comfortable. Teasing each other. Pushing each other. Playing. “Truth or dare?”
I eye the rest of the group, unsure. It’s a little unorthodox, right here in the middle of the party, but we clearly need something to break the ice and we all know it.
“I’m down,” Willa agrees. “I’ll go first. Truth.”
“Lame,” Logan boos.
“Ooh!” Nova chirps, ignoring him. “Who was your worst kiss in our graduating class?”
“Easy.” Willa snorts and rolls her eyes before scanning the crowd. “Ben Wallace. Blegh. Remember I made out with him that night at the hockey house when we were trying to set Clara up with Danny?”
“Oh my god, I forgot about that!” Logan cackles. Nox’s gaze bores a hole through my cheek. I purposely keep my eyes glued to his friend. “That was the night you guys ate it on the sidewalk.”
“Moving on.” Nova gives him the stink eye, then grins. “My turn. Dare.”
“I dare you to…” Logan jumps in before anyone else can answer, scanning the quad for inspiration. “Go over to the DJ stand, steal the mic, and perform that ballad you sang for Les Mis our senior year.”
“Easy.” She scoffs and flips her hair, then brushes by him.