Chapter 26 #3
When I called my parents to say hi, all my aunts and uncles and cousins were already over.
I heard them shouting in the background, arguing about some stupid football play.
Have I told you how intense our backyard matchup is every year?
Well, it is. But it shows how much they all love me, because when my mom opened the window to shout to my dad that I was on the phone, they all paused the game to start screaming hellos across the yard.
Even my brother, who mistakenly believes he’s a football star now that he’s playing on his high school team.
I need to get Grant to give him a call. He might pass out from excitement.
Anyway, it’s weird not to be home. It’ll be weirder at Christmas. I’m happy my parents decided to come.
What do you guys do for Thanksgiving? Does your mom cook? Somehow, I can’t see it. You probably get it catered. Our families are so different.
I can’t believe my first semester is almost over! I leave for Tasmania in five days. The reef has been absolutely amazing, but I’m excited to see something new, too. Like penguins!
Okay, yes, I’m stalling.
I wish I drank so this would be easier. Instead, I have to find a little bit of my own courage, which I’m getting better and better at, thanks to you.
And that’s sort of what I want to say.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, thank you, Nox, for being you. For pushing me when I need to be pushed. For being patient with me. For writing to me every day. For still being the first thing I think about every time I step foot in the water.
I wish I could give you more than words.
One day, I will.
I promise, I won’t chicken out. If I’m being completely honest, the only running I’ve been thinking about recently is running toward you.
December 25
From: [email protected]
Is it too cheesy to say all I want for Christmas is you? Okay, I’ll amend it. All I want for Christmas is you…wrapped around me…moaning my name. Is that too much to ask? I’ve been a very good boy. All year long.
Fuck, I want to see you.
I want to hear you.
Please call me when you read this. I don’t care what time it is.
I already finished training for the day.
One bad night of sleep isn’t going to kill me.
My next race isn’t for another week. I’m desperate here.
I know you see the year as half-over, but I see it as half-begun.
We’ve still got months to go and my schedule is only going to get harder as the games near.
Time doesn’t exist between Christmas and New Year’s, right?
That’s what everyone says? Maybe rules don’t have to exist either. Just for a few days.
I’m not above begging.
Please.
Pretty please.
Kelp me out here.
January 1
From: [email protected]
I know we just hung up, but that’s why I have to do this now.
While you’re asleep. And you can’t give me those sad puppy dog eyes or that sad puppy dog pout or that sad puppy dog whine.
Don’t roll your eyes at me. You know exactly what you do, and you know exactly how I melt.
One phone call, we said. Which led to two, then three, then texting nonstop and squeezing in more calls until finally, I caught my mom crying in our hotel room in the middle of the night because she was convinced I have a secret Australian lover who I’m going to elope with before the end of the year so I never have to come home.
Yeah, talking her down from that was a lot of fun.
Not.
We have to stick to the plan. One email.
Otherwise, it’s too hard. Hearing your voice, seeing your face, it just makes me miss you more.
It makes me feel like I might burst the second the line goes dead, like how I feel right now.
There’s this pain in my chest, this heaviness.
I can’t spend every day for the next six months feeling like this.
You can’t either. I don’t want to be a weight you carry with you.
I don’t want to slow you down when you need to fly.
It’s going to go by fast.
Faster than you think. I promise.
We can count it down together, okay? The closing ceremony is August 11th, right?
That’s our deadline. Our target. I’ll be back in New York by then.
When you get back to Swiftmore, we’ll have all the time in the world to be together.
You’ll have eight more gold medals. I’ll have six insanely valuable letters of recommendation to the PhD program of my choosing.
We’ll be exactly where we’re supposed to be. No regrets. No what-ifs. No resentment.
That’s where I want to start with you.
It’s the only way.
Please.
222 days, then forever.
December 31
From: [email protected]
It’s still December here, so I figure I have a few more hours to break the rules. I needed to write back, because I’m not asleep.
I can’t sleep.
I miss you too much.
You’re right. It’s like this ache deep down in my chest keeping me awake. I never knew an emptiness could have so much weight. But it does. I want to hold you. I want to do a hell of a lot more than that.
So you’re keeping that promise, Hayes.
You can’t take it back.
222 days, then forever.