Chapter 30
Iget lucky at the airport. There’s a single seat available on a connecting flight through DC, which will get me to LA around four in the morning. The price is astronomical. I don’t even blink. Nova keeps me updated via text the entire time.
Have you found him?
Not yet. I tracked his phone to the Olympic Village, but all the swimmers I know are in the arena. Coach is on his way there. He has a pass to get inside.
No dice. His phone was in his room, but he wasn’t. I’m asking around.
Would Nick know? Logan?
I texted some of his old friends from LA, but only the people I trust. I don’t want the story getting bigger than it already is.
What about your mom’s house? Could he just be at home?
We’re on our way there now. If he’s not there, Carl is going to drive me around to check some other places. My dad’s house. The swim club. I’ll keep you posted.
I wait as long as I possibly can, but seeing as I’m stuck thirty-five thousand feet in the air with nothing but my neuroses to keep me company, it’s no surprise that I break.
Anything?
Nothing.
I’m getting worried.
He wouldn’t do anything stupid.
Did that text sound as unconvincing to you as it did to me?
She doesn’t answer. I can sense her anxiety spiking, same as mine. I don’t think he would do anything public. He’s too media savvy. He wouldn’t be at a bar or a club. He wouldn’t be somewhere with cameras. He wouldn’t allow witnesses to what I know he deems as weakness.
A sudden memory strikes.
I grab my phone.
What about the cliffs?
He said there was a place in Malibu you guys used to go with your mom to whale watch. That they were some of his favorite memories as a kid. That he would go there by himself sometimes to think after the two of you left for New York.
You’re a genius!
On my way!
The sight of those trademark exclamation marks in her texts soothes something inside of me.
I turn on my comfort rewatch (the Ocean Deep episode of Planet Earth) and half pay attention while I track her location on my phone, watching the dot on the map inch closer to Malibu.
Nothing with LA traffic is quick. My legs bounce on the seat, earning me annoyed glances from the passengers to either side of me, but I can’t help it.
My skin is crawling. I’ve never felt so claustrophobic in my life, so desperate to get up and leave and do.
My phone vibrates and I’m so jumpy I almost launch it across the plane.
Got him.
I don’t know how it’s possible, but my heart sinks and soars at the same time. They found him…but we’re back to periods.
Is he okay?
He’s alive.
I don’t want to say anything else. Call me when you land.
Having lived my life outside the realm of public scrutiny, it takes me a second to understand what she means. But then it hits. She doesn’t want anything else to be written down. Phones can be hacked. Texts can be leaked. They can be used as evidence, as proof.
I’m taking him home. We’ll see you soon.
The second the wheels touch down, I’m already dialing. It’s nearly four thirty in the morning, but Nova answers immediately. “Are you still on the plane?”
“We’re taxiing to the gate. Please—” I stop as my voice cracks, the past few hours of silence too hard to bear. “Please, how is he?”
“It’s not great.” Nova takes a deep breath.
My chest squeezes at the wobble evident in her sigh.
“He was passed out when I found him. I’m not sure how long he was parked there, but there was an empty bottle of whiskey in the seat next to him.
I don’t think he took anything else. I don’t think he’d be so stupid.
They do random drug tests on athletes all the time.
But I can’t be sure. Carl contacted a discreet doctor who comes to help with my mom sometimes.
He helped force Nox to throw up when we got him home, and then set up some IVs to try to flush the alcohol from his system. I’m keeping an eye on him.”
“What do you think happened?”
“Honestly, Clara? I was hoping you could tell me. He keeps so much bottled up inside. He stopped telling me how he was feeling a long time ago, but I thought maybe he might’ve opened up to you.”
He has, in bits and pieces. I know he hates his father.
I know it motivates him. I know that’s why he searches the man out at the beginning of every race.
I know some of the stories Nox told me, about the way his father treated them, how he ignored them, how swimming became the only way to get his attention, how he wasn’t present or engaged or available unless Nox was in the pool.
But I don’t know everything. I have no idea why getting the very thing he worked so hard to achieve completely sent him over the edge.
I squeeze my phone tighter, the confession painful as it spills through my lips. “He didn’t tell me about this. But I’ll talk to him when he wakes up. I’ll get to the bottom of it.”
Nova sniffles on the other end of the line, her voice barely holding together as she whispers, “I feel like I failed him somehow.”
“You didn’t,” I push, so many lessons drilled into me after four years of therapy for blaming myself for things entirely outside my control.
“When he needed you, you were there. You found him even when he didn’t want to be found.
You got him home, got him safe. And we’ll pull him out of this. Together. I promise we will.”
“You really believe that?”
I don’t know. But that’s not what she needs to hear right now, and honestly, it’s not what I need either.
“Yes.”
I want to believe it. I really do.
An hour later, she greets me at the front door of her mother’s Beverly Hills mansion with a crushing hug.
The opulence barely registers as Nova leads me through the house, out the back door, and down the lawn to a tucked-away patio along a canyon’s edge with sprawling views of twinkling city lights.
That alone must be worth a fortune, but all I see is the figure lying still on a lounger, his perfect face illuminated by the glow.
“Nox!”
I sit in the seat next to him and grab his fingers just to know he’s real.
He doesn’t stir.
“Nox,” I say again, leaning over so I can brush the stray hairs from his forehead and cup his cheek with my palm. “I’m here.”
Again, nothing. In the dim light, I stare hard at his chest, studying the peaceful rise and fall. As Nova said, he’s alive. And that’s pretty much it.
I turn to her. “You should get some sleep. I’ll take over for a little while.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, brows knitting as her gaze shifts to her brother. “It’s even later in New York. And you must be wiped with the travel.”
“I couldn’t sleep right now even if I tried.”
She watches him for another moment, then nods. “Yeah, okay. I’ll leave my phone on, and the back door is open if you need me. Let me know when he wakes up.”
“I will.”
When she leaves, I drag the lounger she must’ve been using closer until it lines up perfectly alongside his.
I wish I could lay them flat, but he’s so heavy I’m worried I’d hurt myself, or him, or both of us if I tried.
And maybe it’s better if he’s upright, in case he gets sick again.
There’s a crumpled blanket near the end, so I snuggle into his side and drape it over our laps.
With one last look, I gently lower my head to his shoulder, being careful not to wake him.
In the distance, the deep black of night is starting to ease, offering the barest hint of rolling hills.
I focus on that, trying to clear my mind of the lingering worry it’s no use to feel.
I’m here. I made it. The heat of his body burns the numbness from my veins.
Just as a pink haze starts to break through the smog, he finally stirs.
I shift my face, finding those green eyes on me, glazed over and confused.
“Are you a dream?” he whispers, throat scratchy and raw.
“No.” I shake my head sadly, regret a physical fracture splintering across my chest. You should have been here. You should have been here. You should have been here.
I’m here now.
I lift my hand to his face and run my thumb across his cheekbone. “I don’t want to wait anymore.”
His eyes widen. A beat of awareness pulses with them, disappearing as quickly as it came. But not before he manages to slur a sleepy, “Forever?”
He may not remember this conversation in the morning, but I still give my answer the weight of an oath. “Forever.”
A brief smile flutters across his lips. He lifts his arm and pulls me against him, hugging me with such force I know the exact moment he falls back asleep by the way his hold goes slightly slack.
There, with my head over his heart, I finally find peace.
The steady drumming becomes my lullaby. I drift off to sleep…
and wake up to the burning press of lips on my neck.
“Nox?” I murmur, still in a daze.
He answers with his tongue, swirling it across my sensitive skin.
My limbs prickle with life, the heat drawing them awake.
His large hands slip under the hem of my shirt, sliding up over my ribs, squeezing with just the right amount of pressure.
I melt into his chest, held up only by his strength.
A sigh seeps out against my will. I’m not sure when we switched positions, but I’m no longer curled against his side.
I’m straddling him, and it’s suddenly quite obvious that he’s extremely happy to see me.
Nox presses another kiss to the underside of my jaw and I arch against him, before I remember exactly where I am, exactly why I’m here, and exactly what I want from him.
“You can’t kiss your way out of this one, mister,” I murmur with a sly grin, letting myself enjoy the feel of him for just a second longer.
Maybe two.
He pulls me closer in silent protest and drags his lips to my ear. “Why not?”
“You’re not that hot,” I tease.
He nips at my skin. If it’s meant to be a punishment, it has the opposite effect. I only want more. When he blows softly on the spot, a shudder ripples down my spine. I don’t need to see it to sense his grin.