Chapter 30 #3
“And I did,” he confirms. A dark, biting laugh spills through his lips.
He looks at me then, the cracks spreading through his eyes like ice about to shatter.
“I touched the wall and I broke through the surface, expecting to feel—I don’t know—victorious?
Instead, I just felt empty. I’d done it.
I’d done exactly what I worked so hard for.
I looked up in the stands, and I saw my dad trying to hide his anger, covering it up with a smile because the cameras were still on him and he was still a piece of the story, and I just thought, is this it?
Is this why I abandoned my mom and my sister?
Is this why I gave up my friends? My life?
Is this why I spent every aching moment in the pool?
Why I pushed you away? Why I let you push me back?
Why I was too chickenshit to invite you to the biggest week of my life when you and Nova are the only ones I even wanted there?
Because I was too nervous it might mess me up?
Because I let myself be consumed by some stupid chunks of gold?
Yeah, I’m the best in the world. Who fucking cares?
It’s not like I’m saving lives. I might as well be a hamster on a wheel.
I mean, what’s the point, Clara? What’s the fucking point? ”
Desperation rolls off of him in waves. He’s pleading with me to give him an answer, a purpose. But I can’t. Only he can do that.
“You accomplished something incredible, Nox,” I try.
He just scoffs. “Real incredible.”
“It is,” I urge.
He just shakes his head. “I knew the guys couldn’t win the freestyle relay without me, so I rallied for them, for Nick, but I just didn’t have it in me to get back in the pool again.”
“So you drove out to the cliffs and got obliterated instead?”
“It’s what my mom always does.” He shrugs, the gesture so casual, the words so matter-of-fact, my heart shatters. “I figured I’d give it a try.”
I suddenly feel like such a fool for being so bitter about my parents’ concern after the crash.
Yeah, they looked at me differently. I’d earned it.
And even after all my mistakes, everything they did was based on love, on concern.
My entire life, all they’ve done is give me a soft place to land and I never appreciated it.
I never got how rare that is, how beautiful, until now.
“Nox—”
My tone sets him off. “I don’t need your pity, Clara.”
“Fine,” I say instead. We’ve always been better at challenging each other anyway. “Then how about my hard truth? Alcohol won’t solve anything. Sure, it’ll make you forget for a while. But your problems will still be there in the morning.”
“I know,” he says, squeezing my thighs to emphasize the point. “I just needed a night to forget. One night to let off some steam. And I’m sorry I freaked you out. I’ll apologize to Nova, too. I should’ve known how you’d both react. I was just being selfish.”
“You’re allowed,” I say, reaching forward to cup his cheek and brush my thumb across his freckles.
He bends his face to the side, sinking into my touch.
“You’re allowed to fall apart. And you’re allowed to do it in private if that’s what you need.
But you’re not allowed to just disappear.
Call me. Talk to me. Tell me if you need space or tell me to run away with you.
Either way, I’m in. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. ”
He looks up at me then, expression vulnerable, as exposed as I’ve ever seen him, all the layers pulled back. “Forever?”
I lean forward and drop my forehead to his, so he’s my whole world, and I’m all of his. “Forever.”
He puts his hands on either side of my face, holding me to him, breathing me in as he closes his eyes and lets my promise sink into his skin, finding a home there. When he looks at me again, it’s with a slight twinkle that sets my soul at ease.
“For the sake of honesty, I have a confession, then.”
“Yeah?” A wry smile pulls at my lips. “What?”
“My hangover is coming back, so…” He slides his hands down to my hips, applying pressure as he shifts his face to the side.
His hair tickles my cheeks as he presses a soft kiss to my throat.
“If we could just go back to what we were doing before this conversation totally wrecked my hard-on, that would be great.”
“Nox,” I whine as I squirm against him, already feeling myself giving in even though I know I shouldn’t. “I told Nova I’d tell her when you woke up.”
“Ten minutes won’t kill her.”
He kisses me then, stealing my protest. And he just feels so good, so right, I don’t have the will to say no. His shirt vanishes. Mine goes next.
“Ten minutes,” I breathily agree.
He grins against me and reaches back to unhitch the lounger. I land on top of him with a yelp, but it quickly turns to laughter as he flips us over and pulls the blanket over our heads. “Maybe fifteen.”
Thirty minutes later, we make our way back to the house.
The moment she sees us, Nova arches a knowing brow and rolls her eyes before slapping Nox on the bicep and completely ripping him a new one, clearly going for a tougher approach than I did.
For the next week, we let ourselves have fun.
Nox gets tickets to some of the other events—volleyball, gymnastics, track and field.
I force them into some touristy stuff around LA, like a trip to the Santa Monica Pier and the Chinese Theatre.
He seems lighter, happier. By the time the closing ceremony arrives, he’s ready to don his gear again.
He walks out with the rest of the American athletes, sporting a wide smile, flashing the tiniest bit of pride.
I stand in the crowd, clutching Nova’s hand, and I think, Maybe I got here in time.
Maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay.