Chapter 33
Nox stops abruptly in the doorway when he notices me, Nova, and Logan sitting together on their couch.
He narrows his eyes at us, going still. The white flecks spotting his hair from the late-autumn snow slowly melt away as he regards us curiously, makes some sort of decision, and moves on, shrugging out of his coat.
“What’s going on? Did someone die or something? ”
“Where’ve you been?” I ask, trying to keep my voice as even as possible. We all agreed we should take it slow, give him an opportunity to come clean and recognize his mistakes before we start hurling accusations.
“Class.”
Lie.
I curl my lips in, biting them hard to keep from lashing out.
He reaches up and stretches, then rubs at his tummy. “I’m starving. Do you guys want to go get some food?”
Deflection.
Now that I know the truth, his tactics are so obvious. He won’t even look me in the eyes.
“Cut the shit, Nox,” Nova snaps. Sometime in the course of the past two hours, freaked-out Nova lost the battle to pissed-off Nova.
Anger radiates from her every pore. “Coach came to talk to us. We know you’ve been skipping training.
We know you’re failing all your classes.
Are you fucking serious? You’re going to get kicked out of school!
For what? Vodka? How can you do this to me? To us?”
Ohhh-kay.
I guess taking it slow is out the window.
Nox straightens his spine, immediately on the defensive. “I didn’t realize I was doing anything to you.”
“Oh, really?” Nova charges. She bounces up off the seat a little, but I clutch her hand to hold her down.
She squeezes my fingers with such force, I’m pretty sure I’m the only thing keeping her from launching off the couch to claw at his eyes.
“You don’t think watching my brother drink his life away might trigger me?
Are you a complete idiot? Or have you really just been that absent for the past ten years? ”
“I think what Nova is trying to say is we’re worried about you.” I give her a firm look before this conversation goes entirely off the rails, then turn back to Nox, softening my gaze. “This doesn’t seem like you. It doesn’t seem healthy. Where were you today?”
“I went for a walk.” He crosses into the kitchen and grabs a seltzer from the fridge, not meeting my eyes. “I needed to clear my head.”
“Where’d you walk?”
“The trails along the lake,” he says, fiddling with the metal tab on the can.
“Were you drinking?” I ask as evenly as I can.
He takes a long sip before replying. “A little.”
“A little like a beer to blow off some steam?” Logan asks, his tone cautious. It’s so odd to hear him as anything other than jovial. Nox finally looks up. “Or like a handle to drown out the noise?”
He doesn’t respond for a moment, then rolls his head back with a big sigh. “You guys are making this a much bigger deal than it is.”
“You’re downplaying it,” Nova says.
“Relax. I’m going to meet with my advisor next week. I’m not going to get suspended. And my grades don’t matter. I made nine million dollars on endorsements alone last year, and just re-signed two of my contracts with even better terms. I’m fine.”
“So you’re still planning to swim?” I ask, honestly curious. I don’t have any idea where his head is right now, but I want to. I’m trying to understand.
“What else would I do?” he says, the helpless undercurrent only serving to heighten my fears. “I just needed…a break.”
“Well, the break’s over,” Nova demands.
I expect him to bite back, but he holds up his hands in surrender. “Fine. If you’re so worried, I’ll stop. Like I said, it’s not a big deal.”
“Good. Then do it,” Nova challenges.
Nox glares at her. “I will.”
“I will, too,” Logan cuts in, trying to support his friend, trying to defuse Nova, walking that careful balancing act in a way only someone who’s known both of them almost his entire life can do.
“I’ve been sluggish out there on the ice.
My agent wants to kill me. Says it looks bad for my starting chances next year.
Let’s clean up our acts together. I’m emptying the shelves tonight.
First thing in the morning, we’re going to the gym. Okay?”
“Yeah.” Nox nods, passing carefully over me, as if he still can’t quite look me in the eyes. “Okay.”
The conversation shifts to lighter topics.
We hang out for a little while, laughing and joking, trying to brush over the seriousness of why we’re all together.
Nova eventually gets a call from her boyfriend and goes off to meet him.
Logan mutters something about the hockey house.
When he leaves, all the pretense leaves with him.
The second the door closes, Nox finally looks at me.
Those green eyes fully pierce mine for the first time in hours. And I’m not smiling. Far from it.
“Don’t ever lie to me again,” I say, no yelling, no histrionics, just utter seriousness.
“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice soft, as if it’s caught on the emotion building at the back of his throat. He swallows, silently pleading with me. “I won’t.”
“I mean it, Nox.” I pause and take a deep breath, the air wavering as I struggle to keep the anger, the pain from my voice.
It won’t do anything to yell and scream.
I don’t want to push him away. I want him to know I’m here for him.
“I know you’re struggling, so I’ll give you a pass.
Once. But never again. If I can’t trust you, I can’t be with you. Do you understand that?”
He nods, blinking back the sheen in his eyes as he takes my cheeks in his hands.
“I know.” He kisses me. “I fucked up.” He crushes his lips to mine, breathing his apology, his regret into me.
“It won’t happen again.” He threads his fingers into my hair, dragging me closer, searing the promise into my skin. “Never again.”
I want so badly to believe him.
The next day, when he says he’s going to class, I stare at my phone for ten minutes, my thumb hovering over the screen, before I finally click the link to track his location.
He’s telling the truth.
The knot in my chest loosens.
But again, the next day, when he says he’s going to the pool, I double-check to quiet the doubts.
When he leaves me alone in his room, I sift through his drawers, his bag, checking them for my own peace of mind.
When he tells me he met with his advisor, I ask him to recount the conversation in painful detail.
When we’re together, I silently question everything he says.
When we’re apart, I silently beat myself up.
I have no outward reason not to believe everything he said—that we overreacted, that he just needed time, that he’s fine. He goes back to class. He studies with me in the library. He works out with Logan. Aside from swimming, he seems one hundred percent back to normal.
But it’s as if a thread ripped between us. No matter how much I grip the rope, it keeps slipping through my fingers.
Every day, more pressure pulls at the string.
Every night, we unravel just a little bit more.
When Nova decides to spend Thanksgiving with her boyfriend since her mom is off filming on location, I invite Nox to come home with me.
I tell myself he shouldn’t be alone over the holidays.
But deep down, I know I want to keep tabs on him.
When I close my eyes, I can actually hear the fibers snapping.
The day we’re supposed to leave, there’s a change in the forecast. The snowstorm we weren’t supposed to get until the evening bumps up four hours earlier. My afternoon class gets canceled. I shoot him a text.
You ready to leave now? My class got canceled and I want to make sure we get to my parents before the snow. I don’t want them to worry.
Sure. I’ll pick you up in ten.
I bury my face in my hood as I wait for him outside by the parking lot.
My breath forms white clouds, blurring the trees as I hop from one foot to the other for body heat.
I’m so busy mentally reviewing my to-do list for my senior thesis, I don’t even notice him pulling up.
A research project isn’t required, but Professor Carson recommended I pursue one if I want to land a spot in a good PhD program.
I’ve decided to focus on the role zooplankton plays in mediating lake responses to climate change—I think it’ll pair well with a lot of the kelp forest research happening off the coast in California.
We met a few days ago to review my methodology, but now I’ve actually got to put it into practice, which is another thing entirely.
My mind is spinning.
“Clara?”
I blink and look up, surprised to see his black Porsche idling right in front of me. The passenger-side window is cracked. I can barely see Nox through the glaring sun on the glass. Wherever this storm is, it isn’t here yet. “Sorry!”
“Thesis?”
“Yeah.”
“Hop in. I’ll put your stuff in the back.”
“Thanks.”
He rolls up the window. The second it’s sealed, I yank open the door, eager to escape the cold. He’s already halfway out of the car. I grab my phone and jot down a few wayward thoughts I don’t want to forget. He lets me work in peace as he shifts into gear and pulls out onto the road.
Ten minutes pass before I notice the subtle tingle at the back of my neck, whispering that something’s wrong.
I look up, attention shifting to the windshield. But it’s still somewhat sunny outside. Thickening clouds are starting to blow in, but there’s no snow yet, no ice.
I mentally review what I hurriedly threw into my suitcase. Pajamas. Computer. Toiletries. Did I forget something?
No.
So why…