Chapter 33 #3
“You’re right.” I turn my face back to the road and stare off into the distance. The trees warp and wobble, a mix of snowfall and my own watery eyes. “It won’t.”
“No, no, no, NO!” The last one is punctuated by a smack on the glass, and then his forehead is back. He presses his face against the window, hands cupped around his eyes as he strains to catch my attention. “Please. Don’t give up on me, on us. Not yet.”
“There can’t be an us when you’re like this.”
“You said forever.”
“So did you.”
“Please, Clara. You’re all I have. You’re the only thing that matters to me. You’re the only reason I even get out of bed in the morning.”
“Maybe that’s the problem,” I murmur. “Maybe you were right all those years ago. I am a distraction. I’m in the way.
But I won’t stand by and be your shield or your crutch any longer.
I won’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself.
I won’t let you destroy me in the process.
You have to face whatever’s going on in your head, Nox.
And until you do, I have to put myself first, even if it breaks me. ”
“Please.” His voice hitches, cracks. “It’s not over. It can’t be over.”
A car door slams behind us. I know without looking that Logan and Grant are here.
Nox knows it too. He tenses. The pressure of his gaze mounts.
An urgency electrifies the air. He tries the handle again and again as sticks snap and gravel crunches.
Shadows fall over my face, blocking out the lingering traces of the sun through the clouds.
“Come on,” Grant tries first, putting a hand on Nox’s shoulder.
“Fuck off.” Nox shrugs him violently away. “Clara! Clara, please!”
“I hope you know we’re only doing this because we love you, man,” Logan says, his voice as sad as I’ve ever heard it. “You’re not yourself. One day, you’ll see it.”
“Get the fuck off!” Nox shoves them as they reach for his arms. He paws at the window, tears streaming down his face, agony laced through his voice. “Clara, please. Look at me. Talk to me. This isn’t it. This can’t be it.”
“Leave her alone,” Grant huffs, emotion clogging even his deep, ever-calming voice. “You’ve done enough.”
“It’s time to go.”
Logan grabs Nox around the middle and shoves him back.
It turns into a wrestling match on the side of the road, grunts and groans and expletives flying.
I don’t want to look. Looking will just make it harder.
But still, I turn my head. A sob bubbles in my throat at the sight of him thrashing between his best friends, punching at them like a rabid animal to get free.
They’ve almost got him back to Logan’s car when Grant slips in the slush.
Nox takes the opening and sprints back to me.
He’s breathing heavily. His green eyes hold a wild spark.
A bright red scratch mars his cheek, slashing through his freckles, only adding to the ferality.
He flattens his palm to the window, desperate for one final touch.
I press my hand to the glass, unable to feel even a hint of his warmth as I align our fingers and meet his gaze.
“I can’t lose you,” he chokes out, raw and ragged.
My voice is just as fractured. “Then don’t.”
The boys are back. They get him for real this time, not playing nice anymore, no longer afraid to hurt him if necessary for his own good.
The dam on my emotions shatters into a million pieces and the tidal wave breaks over me as I watch them drag him away, kicking and shouting and thrashing, hardly even recognizable.
My own heartache is negligible to the torment of watching the person I love break right before my eyes, knowing I’m partly to blame, knowing it’s necessary, knowing there’s nothing I can do, knowing things will never be the same.
The echo of my sobs turns suffocating as I watch them disappear from the rearview mirror.
The heat stifles.
I open the door and spill out onto the wet grass, letting the snow pelt my cheeks, my hair, my hands, letting the cold seep into my skin, just to feel connected to something, anything. I gulp in cool air, lifting my face to the sky.
I’m not sure how long I stay like that before someone pulls over and asks if I need help.
The snow has thickened. Fat clumps cloud the sky, sticking to everything, making it hard to see.
I realize at least an inch has fallen on the grass around me.
I’m shivering from the freezing wetness sinking into my thinly clad knees.
I shake my head no.
I’m fine, physically speaking. I dust off my legs and climb back into the car.
The smart choice would be to turn around, but I can’t.
I don’t want to be anywhere near Swiftmore, anywhere within reach.
If Nox knows I’m close by, he’ll come find me.
It’s not in his nature to do anything else. And I can’t live through that again.
So I drive home, slow and steady, incredibly grateful that without question, without hesitation, my parents will always be there to catch me.