Sunday #2
My heart seizes in my chest. “What?”
“When I got to the new facility, I had a two-week communication blackout and then it opened up to immediate family only. I called Nova as soon as I could. I asked about you, about how mad you were, how hurt you were, and she said she couldn’t talk to me about you anymore.
That you asked to draw a line and she needed to honor it, as your friend.
Which I had plenty to say about, trust me.
But even though she’s sneaky, she might be more stubborn than I am.
Logan and Grant filled me in as best they could, but they said you seemed to be doing fine, quieter maybe, but fine.
And then when I got out, you were already in Australia.
I didn’t really know what to do with that.
I didn’t hear from you. I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me, not after everything I’d done.
If you were happy and you had moved on, I didn’t want to just go and fuck with your head all over again.
I spent the majority of our relationship pushing you to do things you might not have been ready for, so I thought for once, I should back off and give you the space you needed.
It’s like that old saying, you know? If you set something free, you have to see if it comes back to you.
So I was waiting, I guess. To see if you’d come back.
Nova warned me again and again and again that you weren’t going to be here this weekend.
But I knew it was my best shot to see you.
And I thought, if you cared at all about us, about me, you’d come.
Full disclosure, I spent about two hours on Friday night looking at flights to Cairns when you didn’t show.
I was about five seconds from caving and booking one when I saw you step through the gate.
I thought I was going crazy at first. But you were real. You came.”
“Cared at all?” I repeat, hollowed out by what he’s saying.
Are you back? he asked me yesterday in the cafeteria. I thought he meant back in the US. But he didn’t. He meant back in this with him, back for us?
Our entire relationship flashes like a movie in fast-forward. Me running. Him chasing. Me fearing. Him fighting. Me avoiding. Him confronting.
Suddenly, I feel so stupid.
Why didn’t I call him? Why didn’t I text him? Even if just to shout or scream or cry or throw a tantrum or simply wish him well? Sure, I could cop out and say I didn’t know how fragile he was. I didn’t want to hurt his chances of recovery. But there’s a stark truth lingering in what’s left unsaid.
I was protecting myself.
I got hurt and I fell back on old habits. I played it safe, the way Mabel always used to accuse. And in doing so, I failed him, just as much as he failed me. Sometimes the best things in life require a leap of faith. There’s no way around it. You have to risk the fall to learn to fly.
And I want out of the nest.
For him, I want to soar.
“I never stopped caring, Nox,” I confess as I reach up and brush the stray hairs from his forehead, then curl them around his ear.
Placing my palm against his cheek, I stroke it with my thumb.
He sucks in a breath, watching me reverently, as if he’s afraid it might be a dream.
And it’s my fault he feels that way. My fault for never showing him just how much he means to me.
My fault there was ever any doubt in his mind.
“I love you,” I say out loud for the first time.
I don’t know why I gave those three little words such power—never letting him say them to me, keeping them bottled up inside, afraid of what might happen when they escaped.
Because now that they’re finally out in the open, filling the space between us, I see the truth.
I could never lose myself in him because he’s always seen the real me.
And I want to be that person for him, the one who sees him through all his inner darkness. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it before—”
“You don’t have to apologize to me,” he cuts in.
“But I do.”
“No.” He’s adamant. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m the one who fucked everything up. I ruined us. Me, not you. And I’m so fucking sorry for everything, Clara. I’m so—”
“Would you stop hijacking my apology?” I interrupt, arching a brow.
He snorts, emotion visibly clogging his throat as he swallows and lets a smirk light up his face instead. “You’re right. Sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I need to appreciate this moment.”
“You do,” I agree. “It might never happen again.”
He stares at me with a hopeful twinkle in his brilliant eyes, giving me the floor.
“I’m sorry I ever made you question if I’d be here waiting, because I have been, Nox.
It’s like my heart went on pause the second you stepped out of that car, and I’ve just been praying and hoping and wishing you’d come back to start it beating.
I love you so much. I don’t want to run anymore, from you, from us, from anything that scares me. I’m here. I’m staying. Forever.”
“Forever,” he repeats, lifting his hand and touching his palm to my cheek.
I turn my face to press a soft kiss to his skin before he glides his fingers back into my hair, cradling my head.
“I’m so sorry, too. For pushing you away.
For lying. For getting in that car. For not having the strength to call.
For so many things, Clara. I can’t promise I’ll be perfect.
Honestly, I’m still figuring things out.
But I can promise I will never lie to you again.
I will tell you when something is wrong with me.
I won’t keep it bottled up inside. I’ll let you help.
And I won’t ever stop fighting for you, for us, for forever.
You are the most important thing in my world.
You make everything brighter. You make me want to be better.
When I’m with you, happiness is so easy.
It’s not something I need to work for. All the hate and the hurt just fade away.
You pull me out of my head, make me want to be present, to not miss a single moment.
You let me live in the light and I love you so much for that. I really do. I love you.”
I lean down.
He lifts up.
We meet in the middle, neither perfect, both promising with everything in our hearts to be more for each other, to deserve this second chance we’ve lucked into, to never let anything come between us again.
“I have one more question,” I whisper against Nox’s cheek as he peppers kisses down my neck. He pulls back with a furrowed brow. “Where are you going to be next year?”
“Wherever you are,” he answers without hesitation.
Warmth floods my chest. “I was sort of thinking San Diego. I got into a really great graduate program there last May, and they let me defer for a year, but I have to give them a final answer next week.”
“Yeah?” he asks with a grin. “I can make San Diego work.”
“Are you sure?” I don’t want to make this decision for him. I want to make it together.
“Coach will be thrilled. He only extended his contract here for a year to give me time to graduate. He’s been itching to go back west. And I don’t care where I am, as long as I’m with you.
” He reaches up to push a loose hair back behind my ear.
A mischievous glint lights his gaze. “I have one more question for you, too.”
“Yeah?” I ask, a slight challenge to my tone as a smile widens my lips. “What?”
Nox slides his arm around my waist and flips us over so I land on my back against the mattress.
Happiness fizzes beneath my skin, sending a warm tingle down my limbs.
He kisses my neck, my collarbone, the curve of my breast, working his way lower, until he finally looks up and rests his chin on the base of my sternum with a devilish grin.
“Do I still give you butterflies?”
“No,” I whisper as my heart thuds, the beat of my pulse, the flush of my skin, the sound of my gasps giving me away.
He keeps sliding down, pressing his lips to the bottoms of my ribs, the side of my belly button, the curve of my hip bone, then lower still.
Electricity sparks over every inch of my skin, quivering with the flutter of a thousand wings.
“A kaleidoscope, Nox,” I murmur between sharp inhales, his mouth on my heat.
“You give me an entire damn kaleidoscope.”