11. Gabrielle
Gabrielle
It’s been a long workday today, and even more stressful because I can’t stay focused.
Why has everything always been so confusing when it comes to Cam?
It’s so frustrating.
Ever since we were kids, I could never fully read how he felt about me until he made it official and asked me out.
He’s always been straight to the point in every other aspect of his life and with every other person he’s around, but when it came to us, when it came to me, he always seemed too scared to ever say how he really felt.
Like he was going to be the one to scare me off.
Like I hadn’t loved him since I was a kid.
The day we met, I knew he would always be my best friend, and my love for him as a friend naturally became more as we got older.
I knew I was in love with him the day he showed up to my hospital room with a puppy in his hoodie when we were thirteen.
Not a stuffed animal. A real, breathing, tail-wagging puppy he had tucked under his sweatshirt like he was committing a felony.
I can still remember the way he peeked around the door, his eyes darting down the hall like he was a criminal smuggling contraband instead of a thirteen-year-old boy with a questionable understanding of hospital regulations.
“Gab,” he whisper-yelled, closing the door behind him with his foot. “Don’t freak out.”
Which, naturally, made me immediately freak out.
“What did you do?”
I sat up in bed, my heart pounding, my eyes narrowing on his zipped-up hoodie that was…moving.
Cam winced. “Okay, so technically, I didn’t steal him.”
“Steal who?”
Just then, a tiny golden retriever puppy poked its head out from the top of Cam’s hoodie, blinking up at me with big brown eyes, and my heart stopped.
“Oh my gosh!”
Cam grinned, pulling the puppy out and cradling it in his arms. “Meet Waffles.”
“Waffles?!” I choked out, tears of happiness threatening to escape. “Cam, what? Where? Why do you have a puppy right now?”
He sat down on the bed beside me, placing Waffles carefully in my lap like he was delivering an actual miracle.
“You were sad,” he said simply, watching as the puppy licked my fingers. “And I know how much you love the therapy dogs, but they only bring them around once a week. Which is dumb because if I were a doctor, I’d prescribe dog cuddles at least three times a day.”
I let out a watery laugh, my throat feeling too tight and my heart feeling too full.
“So I may have slightly begged one of the nurses to help me find a way to get you some puppy time,” he continued, rubbing the back of his neck.
“And one of the vets who works with the hospital’s therapy program had some new puppies.
So when I explained your situation, she let me borrow this guy for the day. ”
I looked down at Waffles, who had already curled up in my lap, passed out like he belonged there.
And that’s when it hit me, that Cam wasn’t just my best friend. He was so much more.
No one else in my life had ever made me feel as seen as he did. No one else had ever gone so far out of their way to make me happy. No one else would sneak an actual puppy into a hospital room just because I was having a rough time.
I loved him. Not just as my best friend. Not just as the boy who made me laugh, who kept me sane, who sat with me in the dark when I was too tired to be hopeful.
I loved him. In a way that terrified me. In a way that changed everything.
And when I looked up at him that day, I knew he felt it too.
But as sweet as every memory I have with him is, I refuse to get my hopes up with him now. I wouldn’t survive that heartbreak a second time. The first heartbreak was when he was taken from me. The second would be the confirmation of him not wanting me to begin with.
I heard the way he said he didn’t do relationships anymore. I won’t be the dumb girl pining over the boy who doesn’t want her as anything more than a friend anymore.
Plus, with my relationship track record, I don’t think I want to go down that path either. Especially after the last disaster of a relationship I ended up in.
I let out a sigh, leaning over on the counter of the clinic’s break room with my elbows propped up and my face in my hands.
My head has been spinning from everything.
From him.
I shouldn’t feel like this. I can’t feel like this. I refuse to be a masochist when it comes to love anymore.
I look over, and Kinsley is staring me down from where she’s sitting on top of one of the counters across from me.
“Alright. Spill it, Gabs.”
“Kinsley, I don’t have the mental—”
She holds up a hand, cutting me off. “Nope. You don’t get to Kinsley me. I’ve been watching you mope around here for days now, and I’ve tried not to pry, but we both knew that wasn’t going to last long. I know it has to do with seeing Cameron. So…spill.”
“I don’t mope,” I argue.
“You do, and you were totally moping. Trust me, I get it, I probably would be too if I had your luck in the love department.”
“Rude Kinsley,” I say, offended, lifting my head to glare at her.
She raises her hands in silent surrender. “Sorry, just saying. You’ve had crap luck with men for as long as I’ve known you. So…tell me what went wrong when you saw Cam? Is he a total jerk now? Did he tell you he had a girlfriend? A wife—”
“Kins—no,” I stop her, pressing my fingers to the bridge of my nose, “nothing like that. It was actually…good. Better than I expected. It was easy, like no time had passed at all. We just fell right back into the rhythm we’ve always had around each other.”
“So, the problem is…?” she asks, raising a brow at me.
“The problem is all of it. He’s perfect, he’s always been perfect.
It’s always been easy to fall for him. But I’m also too afraid to think about anything more than a friendship with him, and he even said himself that he wasn’t looking for a relationship.
So I’ve been trying to wrap my head around being okay with just being friends with him if I want him back in my life. ”
“He told you he didn’t want a relationship with you off the bat? That’s a little forward and kinda rude, don’t ya think?”
“Well, no, not exactly. I asked him if he was single, and he told me he doesn’t really do relationships anymore,” I tell her, shrugging.
Kinsley scoffs, rolling her eyes so hard I’m afraid they might get stuck. “Gabrielle, come on. You really think that means he doesn’t want a relationship with you?”
I frown. “I mean…yeah? That’s literally what he said.”
She waves a dismissive hand. “No, what he actually said was he doesn’t do relationships anymore. That’s a classic ‘I’ve tried, but no one else has ever compared to you’ statement, and you know it.”
I let out a frustrated sigh, rubbing my temples. “Kinsley, you weren’t there. You didn’t hear how he said it. It was casual, nonchalant, like it was just a fact about his life. He didn’t say it like some deep confession about how he’s been secretly waiting for me.”
She snorts. “Right, because men are so good at expressing their feelings.”
I glare at her. “I just…I can’t get my hopes up, okay? I refuse to be that girl. The one wanting the guy who isn’t interested.”
I shake my head, pushing off the counter and pacing the tiny break room. “It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s not happening. My love life is officially a lost cause. I’ve accepted that.”
Kinsley leaned forward, crossing her arms. “This is about Parker, isn’t it?”
I freeze for half a second. “What? No.”
She gives me a deadpan stare. “Gab.”
I sigh heavily. “Maybe a little.”
Kinsley throws her hands up. “I knew it! That man is still screwing with your head.”
“I mean, can you blame me?” I say, exasperated.
“I spent two years with that man, only for him to turn around and cheat on me with one of the vet assistants. Who we still have to work with every day, by the way. To make matters worse, he constantly tells me he wants me back. While he’s with her!
How does that not mess with a person’s head? ”
Kinsley’s expression darkens. “He is a walking, talking red flag, and I hate him with every fiber of my being.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, well, same. But that doesn’t change the fact that it made me realize I can’t trust myself when it comes to men.”
Kinsley groans. “Gab, you can’t let one emotionally stunted, cheating dirt-bag ruin the idea of love for you. Especially not with Cam. That man is in a completely different universe from Parker with all the stories you’ve told me.”
I shake my head. “It’s not just Parker. It’s all of it. Every guy I’ve been with, I either felt nothing for or I wasn’t good enough for them to stick around. I’ve just…come to terms with the fact that my love life is permanently in the gutter. It’s fine.”
Kinsley gives me a pointed look. “It is so not fine.”
“It is,” I insist. “I’m just…going to focus on my career and friendships. That’s where I thrive.”
She stares at me for a long beat. “Friendships, huh?”
I nod. “Yep.”
A slow, knowing grin spreads across her face. “Like the friendship you’re trying to have with Cameron?”
I narrow my eyes at her. “Yes. Exactly like that.”
She lets out a dramatic sigh. “Oh, babes. That’s cute.”
I groan. “Kinsley.”
She waves me off. “No, no, I support your little delusional ‘just friends’ plan. Really, I do.” She pauses. “It’s just that…it’s never gonna work.”
I cross my arms. “Why do you say that?”
She smirks. “Because that man has never just been your friend, and you know it. He set the standard for any man that came after him, and each and every one of them has failed to live up to those expectations.”
I narrow my gaze at her, knowing she’s right but refusing to admit it out loud. “We started out as friends. We can be friends again…and you’re gonna help make sure that happens.”
“And how is that?” she asks.
“He invited me to watch him and a league of other doctors play flag football next week, and I said I would only go if I could bring you,” I say sheepishly.
“Ahhhh, ‘using your friend as a buffer and to hide behind’ trick…I’m down.”
“You are? But you hate sports?”
“The sport being played will be the last thing on my mind, Gab. I’ll be there to assess the pool of available hot doctors and for the moral support of my best friend, who’s trying to deny the feelings she still has for her childhood friend.”
“You are beyond annoying,” I say, half groaning, half laughing.
She beams. “I try my best, just for you, Gabs.”
“Just promise not to embarrass me, okay?”
“I would never make such a horrendous promise like that,” Kinsley says, acting appalled. “I’ll try to be on my best behavior, but I can’t promise anything,” she finishes, blowing me kisses.
I roll my eyes, but deep down, I’m relieved she agreed to come.
Because, despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise, I know I can never look at Cam as just a friend anymore. That ship sailed a very, very long time ago, and it never planned on coming back.
I let out an exaggerated breath. “I guess plan ‘make Cam just my friend again’ is officially in motion. But…if it starts to go south, I reserve the right to signal you for help, and you have to fake a grade A emergency to get us out of there, okay?”
“I’ve always got your back, girl. But I still don’t think you can pull it off.”
“I am going to be just friends with him, Kins,” I try to get out convincingly.
“And I’m going to be a born-again virgin,” Kinsley says, giving me a pointed look.
I snort. “Okay, that was uncalled for.”
We both just laugh, but then Kinsley gets serious. " Listen, I know Parker did a number on you, and so have several douche bags before him. But I don’t want you hiding back in your shell and blocking something that could be good for you. Don’t write Cam off so fast.”
“Fine, I won’t, but I already told you he’s not looking at me like that anymore. He just wants to hang out with an old friend, and I’m gonna be okay with that.”
“Whatever you say, babes. But when I’m the maid of honor at your wedding, I get to say I told you so,” she quips.
I wave a hand at her. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s finish this day up and get out of here so we can go binge-watch Vampire Diaries while pigging out on Ben and Jerry’s until we are comatose and can’t think about men anymore.”
“I think that might be the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me, Gab. If Cam doesn’t want you, I do,” she swoons.
I roll my eyes and laugh at her.
Okay, this is happening. It’s nothing to freak out about. It’s just a casual hangout. A casual friendship. That’s all this is.
So why does it feel like the least casual thing in the world?