CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE Dinner for One
For the first time in years, Maya spent a Friday night alone because nobody was expected to come home.
She ordered noodles, opened a bottle of wine, and put on a movie she had already seen. Halfway through, she realized she had not watched a single scene.
Her mind kept moving backward.Andre loved documentaries about people building strange things.
Bridges. Tiny houses. Underwater tunnels.
Maya used to tease him because he could become emotionally invested in a retaining wall.Jalen liked action movies, loud restaurants, last-minute plans.Andre planned vacations six months ahead.Jalen could decide at noon that they were driving to San Diego by two.Andre asked questions and waited through the answer.Jalen often listened long enough to prepare his defense.Maya closed her eyes.This was not fair.
Comparing men turned both of them into lists.
Andre had flaws. He could retreat too deeply into work.
He sometimes responded to emotion with solutions when Maya wanted comfort.
He avoided conflict until a problem forced itself into the room.
He could be stubborn, overly practical, and irritatingly certain that every furniture purchase required measurement twice.But Andre's flaws had never made Maya afraid of his love.That difference hurt.Her phone rang.Tasha.Maya answered on speaker.
"Are you alive?""Unfortunately.""Good. I have Thai food.
""I already ordered noodles.""Then we'll have too much food.
Open the door in five minutes."Maya smiled despite herself.Tasha arrived carrying bags and no patience.
"You look terrible," she said."Everyone keeps saying that.
""Because everyone loves you."They sat on the floor by the coffee table like they had in their twenties.Maya told her everything about Camille, the phone, the argument, and Jalen's comments about Andre.Tasha listened without interruption.When Maya finished, she said, "I am going to ask you a question you are not going to like.
""That narrows it down to every question you ask me.
""Are you upset because Jalen is changing, or because you're finally seeing who he still is?
"Maya stared into her wine."I don't know.
""You told me the first two months were perfect.
""They were.""Maybe they were sincere. Maybe he wanted to be that version of himself.
But wanting to be different and being different are not the same thing.
"Maya swallowed."I left Andre for this."Tasha's face softened.
"You didn't leave Andre for two months of Jalen.
You left because something unresolved in you was bigger than your commitment at that moment.
""That's not better.""I didn't say it was.
But if you keep making Jalen responsible for the choice you made, you'll stay just to prove the choice wasn't a mistake.
"Maya looked at her.That sentence frightened her because she recognized herself in it.
"What if I ruined my life?""Then you rebuild it.
""What if Andre never speaks to me again?
"Tasha took a slow breath. "Then you live with that too.
"Maya's eyes filled."I miss him.""I know.
""I miss stupid things. The way he alphabetized the spice rack.
The way he said 'absolutely not' every time I wanted to buy another throw pillow.
"Tasha smiled sadly."Missing him doesn't automatically mean you should go chase him.
""Why not?""Because you haven't even decided what to do with Jalen.
And because Andre is not a backup plan you get to retrieve when the riskier choice disappoints you.
"Maya looked away.The truth kept arriving through other people's mouths.She was getting tired of hearing it.