Chapter 45 Austin - Consolation Prize
Chapter 45
Austin - Consolation Prize
D uring my last week in rehab, I got a message to call Venus ASAP. I got a few minutes before dinner and my counselor let me use her phone without leaving the office. No privacy is a bitch.
“Hey, Austin, Thanks for calling me back. Sydney has been keeping me updated on your progress. She says you’re doing well. We’re all anxious for you to come back to work. But take all the time you need.”
“Yeah, it’s been a lot of work in here. But I’m glad to be coming home in a few days.”
“I don’t usually chit chat. I’ll get right to the reason I’m calling.”
I liked that about Venus. Being direct suited her. “Lay it on me.”
“I didn’t realize that you won’t be back by the day of the Oscars. It’s important that you and Sydney are both there. Can you check yourself out? Even just for that day?”
“I didn’t realize that either. I spoke with my counselor, and she said that since I checked myself in, I could check myself out. It’s tempting, but I’m going to pass. I need to take this process seriously. I committed to getting sober, and I’m going to follow through with that.”
“I thought you might say that. I respect your decision. But I do have a consolation prize for you that I think you will like. ”
“I don’t know what kind of consolation prize can make up for missing the Oscars, but I’m intrigued. Do tell.”
“I would have called sooner, but things didn’t fall into place until today. I’m sending Michael Dean out to interview you for Rolling Stone . He’s Cameron Crowe’s protégé. After the interview, Annie Lebovitz will make you immortal with her brilliant photojournalism.”
I nearly blacked out. What did I just hear?! “That’s … that’s incredible! They’re doing Sydney too, right? Both of us? How in the world did you do this?”
“I know a little magic. But seriously, this is happening tomorrow afternoon.”
“Tomorrow? Geez. I’ve got meetings and therapy sessions all day.”
“Your counselor has approved this extra-curricular activity. I will be there to make sure it’s handled properly. It’s a big deal, Austin.”
I knew that. Cameron Crowe and Annie Lebovitz both made a name for themselves by doing things their own way. “Why would they do this? Why us?”
“Two kids from Midwestern cow country make it big in the land of dreams with their hit song. That’s interesting to a lot of people. And with Michael writing, it won’t be a puff piece in People Magazine . Not to diss People , but it’s a different audience in the supermarket checkout line.”
I had to admit this consolation prize didn’t suck. Nothing could compare to attending the Oscars, of course. The thing I really cared about was that I would get to see Sydney tomorrow, and I had trouble going to sleep that night.
The next morning took forever. I kept bouncing around in my chair nervously. There weren’t any clocks in our meeting rooms, and we weren’t allowed to wear a watch. Staff members announced when we moved on to our next session. Time seemed to stand still, and my agitation increased.
In individual therapy, my counselor picked up on my anxious mood. “What’s going on with you today, Austin? I don’t usually see you behaving this way.”
I stopped tapping my foot. “I’m nervous about my interview this afternoon.”
“That’s right.” She leaned back in her chair and focused her attention on me. “Tell me why you’re nervous. ”
“I’ve never been interviewed before. On top of the fact that I’m being interviewed for an article in Rolling Stone. It’s a big deal. I don’t want to blow it.”
“I can imagine. It must be difficult to impose such exacting standards for yourself. How do you think that relates to your dependence on alcohol?”
“I use it to escape my feelings of worthlessness. I don’t think much of myself or that I deserve any of the good things that have happened in my life. I would rather sabotage things than have people expect things from me.”
We sat in silence for a minute while I replayed my words in my head.
“But it’s more than that this time,” she said. “There’s more at stake. Why?”
How did she know? I sat there, not speaking, but my jaw tried to demolish the piece of gum I took from her treat jar.
“Could it be because you have a partner? What was her name again?”
“Sydney.” My jaw tightened. I had managed to keep her name out of my therapy sessions, and I wanted to keep it that way. But she probed further.
“Sydney is special to you, isn’t she? Your body language tells me there’s more. What would you like to share?”
“We work well together. I get along with her for the most part. But she knows how to push my buttons and get me out of my comfort zone.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“I don’t know. Both?”
Then she startled me. “Do you love her?”
I sat there for a minute without answering. I knew she wouldn’t show my hand to Sydney, but I chose my words. “It didn’t start out that way. We were working together on a project for one of our classes. My best friend, Danny, was her boyfriend. I would never interfere with their relationship. It wasn’t like that. Not until we moved here.”
“What’s changed since you arrived in L.A.?”
“We went from being college graduates working part-time summer jobs to a full-time adult gig that I’m still not sure we’re ready for. Living on our own without any family close by for support. We’re it for each other. There’s no one else if we get in a jam. I know Sydney has come to my rescue on at least a handful of occasions, and I would have her back if she ever needed me. ”
“It’s good to have supportive friends and family around you, Austin. Especially when you go home and work on your recovery. I’m glad Sydney will be a part of that.”
“I owe her big time for bailing me out of jail and being my rock while I went through the legal process of a DUI. Now I’m asking her for support again, which isn’t fair, but I know she’ll do it without second-guessing me and without complaining. I don’t deserve her, and I probably never will.”
“Have you told her how you feel about her?” She scrawled in the notebook on her lap.
“No. I can’t. She’s seeing someone, and he makes her happy. How can I be selfish and screw that up for her? No. I won’t do it.”
She peered over her reading glasses. “Does she have a right to know? Then she can make her own decision.”
“No. It’s my decision to make sure she’s happy. Marcus makes her happy. I’ve seen it and I’m not going to interfere.”
She paused again and tried a different approach. “Is this your way to sabotage a good thing in your life and blame yourself because you’re not worthy? Are you sure that isn’t your subconscious motivation?”
I mulled over her question. “Yes, I could be sabotaging my own chance for happiness with Sydney. But what if it doesn’t work out between us romantically? I can’t risk it. Even if I can’t have her, I want her to be part of my life. I would rather suffer in silence than not have her at all.”
“What do you mean, she’s not here?” I bellowed. “I thought we were doing this interview together. Venus! Why didn’t you tell me?”
She remained calm. “I never told you that Sydney would be here. You jumped to that conclusion all by yourself. I need you to calm down. Take a deep breath. Michael already interviewed Sydney, and he’s going to weave your answers together. No one will ever know.”
My heart ached, and I sat down on an ottoman in the family visiting room, which Venus had commandeered for this event. I missed Sydney, and I couldn’t hide my feelings about her absence. But what could I do? Nothing. After sitting there for a minute with my head in my hands, I rallied. This was still with Sydney. It was still the both of us. I stood up. “Okay. Let’s get started. I’m ready. ”
Venus positioned me in a chair at the puzzle table in the room. An attendant brought Michael in while Venus chose an overstuffed armchair in the corner on the other side of the room. I stood up and reached out my hand over the table. “Hi, I’m Austin. It’s such an honor to meet you.”
He set down a small notebook and several pens. His handshake was firm. “Likewise.”
We sat down, and he wrote the date at the top of his notepad. “Let’s begin.”
After the interview, Venus led me down the hall. One of the larger group therapy rooms had been transformed into a photography set, complete with a white backdrop and special lighting. A wardrobe assistant handed me an outfit and pointed me towards the restroom to change. I recognized my favorite skin-tight, dark-wash blue jeans and my boots. Venus must have asked Sydney to pick out my favorite things. They added a crimson button-down shirt and a distressed leather jacket. A stylist fluffed my short hair and dabbed powder on my face to reduce any shininess.
I tried to get comfortable in front of the camera. Tried. I twisted around, my stiff movements attempting to follow Annie’s directions as best as I could. They had me change my outfit three times, and by the end I had to unglue my smile.
I did have one burning question that I asked Annie as she crouched down, packing up her equipment. “Isn’t it going to look awkward not to have any photos of Sydney and I together?”
She stood up and brushed strands of hair away from her eyes. “I’m going to Photoshop you together. No one will be the wiser. Don’t you worry, sweetie, this old dog still has tricks.” She patted me on the shoulder.
Before lights-out that night, I lay in bed reflecting on the day. It still bothered me that I didn’t get to see Sydney. I didn’t even get to talk to her because it was my mom’s day to talk to me. Six more days, that’s all I had to last. Then I’d go home and get back to my normal life. I couldn’t wait.