Chapter Thirteen Paul
Chapter Thirteen
Paul
September
Elise's naked body is curled into mine while she sleeps.
I'm still in her bed, in her apartment, where I've been for the last couple of weeks.
Around me, the furniture feels nothing like the cozy, cluttered warmth of my old place with Sophie.
I keep telling myself it just needs time.
Some space. Distance from the life I blew up.
I'm happier here, I repeat, over and over.
This is for the best.
And yet, the first thought in my mind this morning, and in every morning since that day, has been about Sophie.
It’s her birthday tomorrow. September 9. Always easy for me to remember.
My second thought is of her pretty little face.
I'd wake her on her birthdays with kisses.
She would giggle and pretend to be asleep.
I would keep kissing her, thrusting my inevitable morning erection into her.
She'd peek one gorgeous eye open before burying her head under the pillow.
I'd coax her awake. First with my hands.
Then with my mouth. She would smile down at me so sweetly after she came.
My girl.
I think of all the birthdays I spent with her, her twenty-fifth birthday at that steakhouse in the city that she loves.
Her twenty-seventh birthday when I gave her that little gold heart-shaped necklace she never took off.
It broke off somewhere in the ocean on our engagement trip while we were swimming, and she was devastated.
She cried and apologized to me over and over again, as if she had lost it on purpose.
I kissed her tears away while I soothed her and promised I'd buy her a million more necklaces if she would just smile for me.
Six months ago, I had asked her what she wanted to do for it—a birthday trip, a spa day, or a fancy dinner? She had shaken her head and said we should stay in and save money for the wedding. She said as long as she spent the day with me, she would be happy.
We always spent her birthdays together.
Then, she found that lump, and we heard the word cancer.
And I...
Looking down, the sight of the blonde head of hair sprawled across my chest is still unfamiliar.
Elise is significantly taller than Sophie, who only reached five feet two.
Elise's body is lean and strong, thanks to Pilates, with her muscles defined beneath her tanned skin.
Sophie, on the other hand, is small and plush, her curves always so soft.
I don't even think they share a single similarity.
Well, one—neither are from Starling Cove.
Was the reason I was so attracted to Elise because she was something different, fresh, and new?
My past relationships burned fast and bright, then burned out even faster.
Sophie was the first one who had lasted more than eight-months for me.
I had been attracted to her from the get-go, and then when I actually got to know Sophie, she was so fresh and different.
She's smart as hell, the smartest girl I've ever met, determined to pursue her goals in a way I had never encountered before. She would never step on others, and if she encountered a roadblock, she would find another path. And she wouldn't stop until she was there.
Sophie was so accommodating, willing to do anything for me, listen to all my problems, and meet me more than halfway if needed. She was selfless, and I knew she was a little broken from her fucked up parents, so I had wanted to be a safe place for her.
And I was.
Sophie gave me everything I needed in a girlfriend, so when my parents and friends brought up marriage, I felt confident that it was a sign. I had never felt for anyone else what I did for Sophie.
Until Elise. I have… some feelings for Elise.
Elise started at my job a little after I did, quickly becoming popular around Starling Cove City Hall.
We worked closely on multiple projects, her being in Public Relations and me being the City Planner.
We would frequently go out to lunch together.
First, as a work group, and then it would filter down to just me and Elise.
I always let Sophie know that I was eating with a work colleague, and she had been fine with it. She trusted me.
"I thought, 'Sophie, come on! This is Paul you're talking about. Your Paul. He loves you, he would never betray you like that.' I'm so stupid."
Sophie's words from that day make me flinch. She trusted me, and she shouldn't have. I did love her, I do love her still, probably will forever, but I did betray her. I was drowning, unable to handle the fear for her future and mine, and I needed someone to throw me a line.
Elise did.
Elise was escape, comfort, and air.
But the more time I've spent with Elise, without the tether of Sophie waiting for me at home, the more I've learned about her.
This is normal, though, when the usual glamour of the relationship wears off, and you start to see the actual person underneath.
In theory, that's supposed to make it better when your partner messes up for the first time, and you take them off the pedestal.
It happened with Sophie, but it only made me love her more.
Elise is... not Sophie.
She's rigid in a way Sophie wasn't.
Sophie was structured, Sophie was routine, Sophie was organized.
Sophie was... incredible.
Not that Elise isn't good too, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Elise is fun, Elise is energetic, Elise is drop-dead gorgeous.
She's Boston-born and bred, coming from a very rich family with a former pageant queen mother and a politician father. She's more materialistic than Sophie. She likes shiny things. She likes eating at expensive restaurants, which is causing a bit of a dent in my wallet.
I glance down at the necklace on her naked chest, small and heart-shaped.
A little like the one I had given Sophie.
We had walked around town two nights ago after dinner, and Elise had seen it in a store window.
I had bought it for her because she wanted it, and I wanted to give it to her. It felt right.
Then she made me come in her mouth. Twice. It was fun. It was nice. It was what I needed right now.
I needed fun after months of drowning, and Elise could always come up with something to do.
She always wants to go out, see people, talk to people, and be seen.
She seems to have endless energy, and while it's been a little complicated to keep up, it's been distracting.
If my mind stops going for even one minute, I'm terrified I'll spiral.
I've also been working more, taking on additional projects and logging overtime. I'm the first one in and the last one out. Elise thinks I'm still processing. I don't even think I've begun.
At night, I come home—here—to Elise's apartment, work some more while Elise goes to pilates, then we have dinner and fuck until we pass out. Routine. Easy. Comfortable. Well, comfortable until I run into the roommate, Rhea.
According to Elise, she and Rhea aren't friends. The roommate situation is more out of financial desperation. Rhea’s a tattoo artist who works crazy hours and travels, so we don’t see her that much.
It’s nice, Elise and I are able to exist in our own little world.
And I’ve been trying to keep my hands and mind busy to distract me.
Distract me from the fact that my mom said she was ashamed of me. Distract me from the last text my father sent expressing his disappointment in breaking both Sophie's and my mother's hearts.
Distract me from the situations I've put myself in willingly because I am a coward.
Distract me from my affair with Elise.
Affair. The word tastes dirty. Being together, really being together, was something we had talked about in the beginning. It was her more than me, because I had only considered this to be a momentary escape, not a permanent one.
And then the more doctors appointments and more scary words. That one stupid night I stayed up late searching for mastectomy scars and long-term effects from breast cancer.
It was easy to allow myself to escape into the fantasy Elise had been crafting for a cancer-free, worry-free life. A fantasy of us being together fully.
A fantasy of leaving Sophie because that was the right thing to do, since I was cheating on her. I would free both Sophie and me from the shackles of this relationship. I would free myself from this fight against cancer, which I was wholly unprepared for.
I did the one thing she would never forgive me for, and I can’t think about it anymore without my stomach twisting itself into an agonizing knot.
Tomorrow is Sophie's thirtieth birthday, the first one we won't spend together in six years.
Sophie.
I have no right to know, not after what I've done, but still... I wonder how she's doing, how the treatment is going.
If she's facing any side effects, nausea, fatigue… hair loss.
Then I quickly change my thoughts again because the thought of Sophie sick and bald and breastless and wasting away makes me feel like I'm going to vomit.
She didn't deserve this to happen to her.
And I was too weak to stick around and help her.
At least I can acknowledge my own weakness. That's something, right?
Elise shifts beside me, hiking her leg over my hip and grinding into me, drawing me back to the present. I can feel the damp heat between her legs. Her skin is warm, faintly scented with her expensive perfume, her nails lightly grazing down my stomach.
Usually, I'd be up and ready to go, partly out of distraction and partly because I'm chasing that feeling that hasn't returned since I was still with Sophie.
I gently catch her hand, not even in the mood, and then cringe when I think about last night.
Brian and Chris had texted me, wanting to meet up for drinks, and said Adriana and Maude, their girlfriends, were off work and would be there too.
So, Elise and I went to Haunts.
And it was a complete fucking disaster.
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