Chapter Fourteen #2
He was right, of course. But the embarrassment of him seeing me in my Bob’s Burgers PJ pants was more than I could take. “I won’t tell her if you don’t. Besides, I’m almost done.”
He frowned, and the next thing I knew, there was an arm around my waist, and my feet left the rungs on the ladder. I laughed in surprise, and Jackson set me down beside him. He was halfway up the ladder with the strand of lights before I could protest.
And worse, he had them reattached in less than ten seconds. I folded my arms at the audacity of it all, and he laughed as he jumped off the last rung.
“You were trying to sink the hook too high. The lights were too tight. About a foot lower, and you wouldn’t have needed my help at all.”
“Oh.” I looked up at the tree. “That makes sense. Thank you.”
He smiled at me, and my stomach did several profound flips.
It should be illegal to be helpful and kind and attractive all at the same time.
I thought him going off to college would diminish my crush, but the second he reappeared, I found myself right back where I started, hopelessly drooling after him.
I cleared my throat. “Well, I have some brownies to make before my dad gets home, and a mug of hot chocolate with my name on it. I’ve been out here a lot longer than I want to admit.”
I started for the front door but only made it a couple steps before he asked, “Are you making it from scratch again? With the chocolate chips?”
I turned. “Of course,” I said, mildly offended. “There’s no instant hot chocolate in this house.”
He grinned. “What are the chances you’ll make me a mug? Since I so gallantly helped you with the lights and everything.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You want to come inside and have hot chocolate with me?”
“Yes, please.”
“Why?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
Then we were in my kitchen, and I was sliding a mug of hot chocolate toward him, and we were…
talking. I told him I was worried about Emmy going overseas and not seeing my best friend every day.
He told me his fall semester was more stressful than he expected.
I shared my anxiety about getting into Linfield, and he shared a story about someone letting a goat loose in the dean’s office that almost made me snort hot chocolate out of my nose.
“College is not all studying,” he said. “You’ll find out next year.”
It felt oddly normal. As if we hung out, just the two of us, all the time.
I smiled and put our cups away in the dishwasher. “I don’t know how many loose goats are in my future. That sounds like more of an Emmy thing. She’s always in on the shenanigans; I’m usually the one worrying about getting caught. I’m a bit more comfortable being the invisible one.”
He walked around the island and came to a stop in front of me. “You’re not invisible.”
I laughed. “That’s very nice of you to say, but it’s okay. I don’t mind. I’m not a fan of the spotlight—not the way Emmy is, anyway. I definitely don’t want to trade places with her.”
His eyebrows pulled together, and his gaze dropped to my mouth. “What do you want?” he asked.
My pulse thundered in my ears.
I could only think of one answer.
You.
***
I blink, and I’m no longer in my kitchen. It’s not Christmas, and Jackson is definitely not looking down at me like he wants to kiss me. He looks a little angry, actually.
“I know it was my idea to not talk about winter break, but that clearly wasn’t the right call if we keep biting each other’s heads off every time we talk for more than ten minutes.”
“Maybe the solution is less talking then.”
“I understand you’re mad, Hannah. But I’m getting tired of the little jabs.”
I stand and snatch my coral bag off the dining bench.
“You’re in luck then. If we ever get out of here, I’m off to Linfield, and with your sister traveling, you and I will have fewer reasons to run into each other.
You’ll finally be free of me and my jabs,” I say, throwing the canned food and two water bottles into the bag.
He stands too. “I don’t deserve this. I did the right thing.”
I zip the bag and chuck it back on the counter before I turn to glare at him. “What the hell does that mean?”
He curls his hands into tight fists. I can feel the exasperation radiating off him.
“It means that night got away from me. I had no intention of kissing you when I walked into your house, and once I did, I definitely didn’t expect to keep kissing you.
I sure as hell didn’t expect we’d almost get caught making out in your kitchen by your dad. ”
My face heats at the memory of Jackson tearing out the back door with his jacket and shoes in his hands as my dad came in through the garage door.
I open my mouth to tell him I don’t need to hear this, but he holds up both his hands.
“I also didn’t expect my dad to catch me trying to stealthily close the gate to your backyard. I must have looked guilty because he guessed what happened in about three seconds.”
One of those moments passes where I know, with complete clarity, what he’s going to say next. Our families have been joined at the hip for a decade. I know exactly what Mr. Cole would say if he thought Jackson and I were about to cross a line.
My body goes numb.
“He reminded me that I was older than you, that I was away at college, and that you…had a bit of a crush.”
Dear god, someone sink me to the bottom of this ocean.
“I knew how you felt! It never bothered me,” he says in a rush.
I wonder if I look as mortified as I feel, because he starts talking faster.
“I didn’t think much about it to be honest. You were Emmy’s kind, dependable other half.
But then Shithead Tanner called Emmy a whore, and you stormed out of his house like a PlayStation-destroying avenging angel who reduced him to tears in his own driveway before I could even lift a finger to defend her myself.
“After that…I don’t know. It was different somehow.
You were still kind and helpful and friendly to every person you talked to, but I noticed other things about you too.
The way you stood up for other people, the way you took care of your dad—you weren’t just the kind friend, you were strong as hell, constantly taking care of everyone around you.
Kissing you almost seemed inevitable after that.
Like you figured out your feelings before I did, but I’d finally caught up. You know?”
I nod, but I can barely hear him over the pulse in my ears.
“But when my dad pulled me onto the porch, he was furious. For you. He said if this ended badly, it could cause problems with our families too. Emmy would be furious if we went there and it didn’t work out.
Things would be uncomfortable whenever I came home.
He said you might even stop coming by whenever I wasn’t at college.
Our families are so close. He told me point-blank that if I was going to go there, I better make sure it’s worth the risk. And…and I…”
I take a step back as the boat rocks again, and I almost lose my balance. He reaches out to steady me, but I jerk out of his reach.
“And it wasn’t. Worth the risk,” I finish for him.
He levels me with a haunted expression, and I know I’m right. I’ve spent the last three months wondering how I could have gotten everything so wrong. Trying to understand why he backpedaled so hard. But learning the truth now only makes me sick to my stomach. Ignorance really is bliss, sometimes.
“I avoided you like a coward for the rest of break. The next time we saw each other, you had your early action acceptance from Linfield and my parents were throwing you that party. I’d almost completely convinced myself that my dad was full of shit, until I walked into your party and saw it firsthand.
Out of everyone cheering you on that day, the only family you had there was your dad.
Ninety percent of your support system is my family, and if something went wrong between us, you’d lose more than I would.
It scared me shitless, because I didn’t know if I had it in me to not mess up with you.
We’d only kissed—we’ve never been on a real date.
I thought maybe I could take it back without too much damage.
So I asked you to take a walk with me the next day. ”
I hold up a hand to stop him. I remember every detail about that shitty afternoon.
Of the “walk” that only lasted half a block before he pulled me to a stop to tell me what a mistake Christmas Eve had been.
I never should have kissed you. I didn’t mean to lead you on, but I don’t think this is a good idea.
I told him not to worry about it, that it was one kiss, and we didn’t need to be awkward about it, but what else was I supposed to say? That kiss meant everything to me; please don’t take it back? I’d beg for him over my dead body.
I don’t even remember walking home. Only feeling blank and frozen, like I’d shut down.
My dad was working, so I locked myself in my room.
It took almost a full day for the tears to start.
By then, our last semester of high school was in full swing, Emmy was making all kinds of senior year plans, and it was easier to pretend I wasn’t interested in any of it because I was stressed about school than to admit her stupid brother ruined hot chocolate for me.
A week later, Emmy’s parents invited me on this spring break trip from hell. Because apparently, I kicked a witch or gave cholera to a saint or something in a past life.
Jackson watches me carefully.
I take a deep breath that smells like mildew, smoke, and extinguisher chemicals.
“I don’t know why you’re telling me all this.
It changes nothing. If anything it makes what happened worse, because now I know you and your entire family were aware of my pathetic crush.
I really could have done without that information. ”
“It’s not a pathetic crush—”
“What I don’t understand is what you thought this would accomplish.
You did the right thing? Congratulations.
What do you want, a pat on the back? How’s this: Thanks for leaving me out of decisions about my own life.
Thanks for not talking to me about any of this, and talking with your dad about things that should have stayed between us.
” I reach out and tap him on the shoulder twice.
“Good job, pal. You did the right thing. Gold star. How does it feel?”
“Like shit!” he explodes. “It felt like shit talking to my dad instead of you. It felt like shit watching the light and excitement in your eyes go out. It felt like shit watching you avoid me this whole vacation. I hated every minute.”
“So? Get over it!” I shout back.
He rears back. “Get over it?”
“Yes! Get over it. Deal with the guilt on your own, and leave me the hell out of it. I already feel stupid enough. You kissed the wrong girl and panicked. Stop making that my problem.”
He stares at me. “I don’t feel guilty for kissing you. I feel guilty because I had a chance to tell my dad to fuck off and mind his own business, and instead I ran away.”
The butterflies come back full force, but I imagine them flying into a bug zapper. “You’re only saying that because we’re trapped on this stupid boat. I’m not Emmy. I don’t do meaningless vacation flings, and if that’s what you’re proposing, I’m not interested.”
“That’s not what I—”
“You clearly ran for a reason,” I insist. “And you’ve been perfectly content to ignore me up until now, so why don’t we go back to that? All this can be a funny story we tell at Thanksgiving in ten years.”
He steps closer. “I haven’t been ignoring you.
Not at home, and certainly not here. Why do you think I’m always reading in the same spot by the pool?
You have to walk by me anytime you leave the beach for smoothies or food or the spa.
I sit there like a loser, flipping pages of a book I can’t focus on, hoping to catch a glimpse of you.
Or I try to think of a normal way to tell you I love your new bathing suit.
And that color on your nails. I notice everything you do, and it’s torture.
When I saw Ben flirting with you at the resort, I practically threw my book into the ocean. ”
I can feel the shock on my face.
“All I do is think about you, and that was true long before we got on the plane. It’s been killing me to pretend I don’t care. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
His hands cup my face. I don’t push him away.
“Wow, sounds like you might be the one with the pathetic crush,” I breathe.
“Definitely.”
Then he’s kissing me, and for that one minute, I care a little less that we’re stuck at sea, and that Emmy’s fake dating a murderer, and that I’ll probably get eaten by a shark out here.
I’ll care about all that later. Right now, there’s a painful hole in my heart that’s being filled for the first time since I left him on that sidewalk.
A momentary reprieve from weeks of feeling like a lovesick idiot with a one-sided crush.
He threads his fingers in my hair, breaking away to whisper, “I’m sorry it took me so long to quit being a coward.”
“Nobody’s perfect. But if you tell me tomorrow this kiss was a mistake, I’m going to feed you to the man-eating dolphins,” I say, dragging his face closer to mine.
His laugh ghosts across my skin. “Noted.”
He runs his thumbs across my cheeks and kisses me again.
“What are you two—”
We break apart half a second too late. Emmy’s frozen halfway down the stairs.
Her eyes ping-pong between us and slowly narrow into slits.
“Aw, crap,” Jackson mumbles.