Chapter 22
Liv
March, Sophomore Year
Quinn was pumped with her performance and genuinely appreciative that they had all come to urge her on, greeting them with the biggest smile Liv had ever seen.
She tried not to be affected when Quinn, after hugging every member of her family, pulled Liv in and squeezed tightly, taking an extra second or two with her.
When they pulled away, Emma caught Liv’s attention and rolled her eyes, lips pursed to cover her amusement. Liv couldn’t help it, though. Watching Quinn in her element was frustratingly sexy.
When they got back to their dorm the next morning, Liv had Quinn set down her stuff, take off her clothes, and lie down in Liv’s bed. She grabbed her lotion and began massaging Quinn’s body, leaving no part of her untouched.
They didn’t leave the room for the rest of that weekend, surviving only on bottled water, prepackaged snacks, and each other .
But there was a tension as the school year worked to its close. They’d survived the winter break, but that had been much shorter, less than one month compared to the three they were about to be apart, and Liv knew that Quinn had to be wondering what the summer would have in store for them, as well.
Liv was navigating their situation as if she were leading parallel lives at this point: her home self and her school self, and she felt like it was very possible that she was going to split in two.
She wanted, needed , to talk about it, but Quinn was her best friend, and even if she weren’t the subject of so many of them, Liv wouldn’t want to burden Quinn with the weight of all her thoughts.
And, as much as she loved Emma, and she did, Emma had always felt like Quinn’s friend first, so she didn’t want to take this to her either.
The strange thing about all of it, though, was that when she was in the moment, at school, with her friends, she was happy in a way she’d never experienced.
The pressing crush of expectations from her family, her concerns about her future, even the pain from the loss of her sister, none of it felt quite as bad when she could just sink into her life here, pretending the outside world didn’t exist.
“I want to find an apartment for next year,” Liv announced, somewhat randomly, one day in mid-March.
“You don’t want to stay on campus,” Quinn replied. “I think the upperclassmen dorms are nice. Emma just got approved for a single, she’s pretty geeked about it.”
“I mean, if that’s what you want, we can stay on campus, but it would be nice to have a little more space,” Liv responded. “I can have my bike shipped from home, too, or get a car, so you don’t have to drive me all of the time, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“No, it’s just…you want to live with me again?” Quinn asked. Liv hated that she sounded surprised, and it confused her. Nothing made her happier than spending time with Quinn, and surely…she had to know that, right ?
“Of course,” Liv said, trying to mask her own disbelief at Quinn’s shock. “I mean, if you want to find a different roommate or have your own space, I totally understand it.”
She would be heartbroken, but she’d understand.
Or, not heartbroken , of course. She certainly wouldn’t say that. It was too strong to speak aloud, but she’d be… Well, devastated was the next word that she could come up with that came even close to how she’d feel if Quinn decided to live with someone else.
“I just didn’t know if you’d want to, considering our whole…thing,” Quinn replied.
Oh, they didn’t talk about this. They’d been cautious this whole year, careful to maintain the perception of friendship.
No, not perception, Liv thought, because that’s what they were.
Friends. It just so happened that one of their favorite activities to do together, as friends, was taking each other apart with their mouths.
“Like, I didn’t know if you were thinking that it had…run its course,” Quinn continued.
Liv bit her lip to forcibly restrain herself from sharing the thought that first came to her mind, which was that she genuinely didn’t think she’d ever get enough of Quinn. That wouldn’t be helpful, of course, so she shook her head, feeling sick to her stomach. “I mean…if you think we should stop?”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all,” Quinn replied fervently enough that Liv immediately believed her. “It’s just, we’re going back home soon. I don’t know what that’s going to mean for you.”
“Conner’s not going to be in Chicago again this year,” Liv blurted, knowing this was the topic Quinn was avoiding. “He’s interning in Hong Kong this summer.”
She’d stayed in touch with him, more out of habit than anything, exchanging a handful of texts a month. It was another thing that she and Quinn didn’t talk about .
“Regardless,” Quinn continued, though Liv could see some relief in the way her posture softened. “It’s been a minute since we’ve checked in. Maybe we should talk before we make any decisions about where we’re living next year?”
Yeah, that was certainly the mature thing to do. But Liv didn’t want to talk about it. She’d rather continue floating through, ignoring the potential ramifications of their actions, just basking in the goodness of it.
This was working for her. But, okay. Maybe it wasn’t working for Quinn?
Because, honestly, that would make sense.
Quinn was amazing. She was gorgeous and kind and sweet and a little bit of a dork, and Liv just…
she liked her so much. And Liv was painfully aware that Quinn could have anyone she wanted.
Maybe Quinn was ready to date, and she needed space from Liv to find someone who could give her what she deserved.
“Nothing has changed on my side,” Liv said, wishing that emotion hadn’t wound its way so tightly around her throat, making her words hoarse. Why did it feel like she was about to cry? “But I don’t want to be in the way if you’re ready to find something…else.”
For something real , she had been thinking, but the word wouldn’t come out. Because maybe what they had existed within its own unique set of parameters, but that certainly didn’t mean that it wasn’t real.
“No, if you want to keep things how they’ve been, I’m in,” Quinn said quietly, before adding, “The rule was only in this room, though.”
Liv cleared her throat. “I believe the spirit of the rule was to protect our privacy. We can do that in an apartment just as well as in a dorm.”
“Hmm. ‘The spirit of the rule,’” Quinn repeated, shaking her head, a slightly distant expression on her face. “Sounds good.”
Liv could tell there was something that Quinn wasn’t saying—she could see it in the clouds of her hazel eyes—but she didn’t push. It was the selfish thing, Liv knew, to not ask more questions. She knew it was, but she was happy with the answer, and she didn’t want to risk Quinn changing her mind.
“Do you have any apartments in mind?” Quinn asked after several moments of silence.
And, yeah. They could do this, they could talk through logistics and make the decision together. This was perfect.
Liv listed a few options, pulling her laptop out of her backpack and setting it at her desk. While Quinn pulled her chair over so that they were side by side, Liv clicked the link for one of the complexes closest to campus. “Are you allowed to use your scholarship for off-campus housing?”
That made Quinn smile for the first time in the length of this conversation.
They were both aware that Liv could more than cover the rent for the two of them.
Her parents likely wouldn’t notice if she decided to lease an entire apartment building next year.
But Liv knew better than to offer, knew that Quinn wouldn’t like that suggestion at all.
“I’ll check it out, but it shouldn’t be a problem,” Quinn said. Liv nodded and began clicking around on the website, showing off the amenities. “There’s an indoor swimming pool!”
Damn it, she was just so adorable. “You will continue to have unlimited access to the indoor swimming pool at school.”
“I know, but it’s still exciting,” Quinn said, like she couldn’t imagine why Liv wasn’t thrilled. “What layouts do they have available right now? Are we late in the year deciding this?”
“Probably, but we’re not too picky, right?” Liv replied. She opened the floor plans tab and selected which months they needed housing. There were a few options left, so she started at the top.
“Do you think we should consider two-bedrooms?” Quinn asked. She was pointing at the section of floor plans lower on the page, tense again, like she was afraid she’d upset Liv with the suggestion.
Still, Liv was incredulous. “Why would we do that? ”
“I think it might be the safer option,” Quinn said, speaking carefully.
“But we’ve been sharing a tiny dorm this whole time,” Liv replied. “All of these apartments would be about six times the space we have now?”
“I know,” Quinn responded. “But it wasn’t an option before… I think it’s something we should consider.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be dismissive. It’s okay for you to want space from me,” Liv said. She cringed as soon as she said it, especially when she saw Quinn flinch in response. “I didn’t mean it like that, Quinn. What are your concerns?”
“What are my concerns?” Quinn asked, her jaw tight. Liv could tell by her voice that she was trying not to get upset. “What would your parents say? Especially if they ever met me, and we were sharing a room?”
“They’ve made it pretty clear that they’re never going to come visit, so I don’t see how that would ever be an issue,” Liv answered.
“Okay, my parents then,” Quinn replied, and sure…that was a good point. “They already make jokes that we’re together.”
“They do,” Liv acknowledged. Quinn’s family mocked each other relentlessly, and she was sure there were other people, too, who had made assumptions about them.
They did spend most of their time together, and, well…
they were hooking up. They were careful outside of their room, making sure they never held hands or sat too close, but Liv knew there were still moments that she got caught up in Quinn.
And, when she didn’t notice, Emma was often there to point it out.
Quinn blushed. “To be fair, they think I’m dating every girl they meet. They’re convinced it’s either you or Emma.”
It had been a long time since Liv thought there was a reason to be jealous of the relationship between Quinn and Emma, but occasionally, the tiniest hint of envy twinged. She felt it now, and a possessive part of her wished that she could fully stake her claim on Quinn .
“It’s not just our parents, though,” Quinn said, bringing Liv’s attention back to the matter-at-hand. “Logistically speaking, like, we don’t sleep in the same bed every night.”
Oh, Liv was aware of that, and she was far too embarrassed to admit that she missed Quinn, viscerally, from five feet away, when they each slept in their own beds. “I know?”
“So, what, are we going to grab a pair of extra-long twin beds to throw into a one-bedroom apartment next year?” Quinn asked. “Truly, is that what makes sense?”
Liv thought for several moments, trying not to feel defeated. It made sense for them to get their own rooms. And it didn’t mean that Liv was automatically losing something. They were still going to live together, they were still going to be in each other’s lives.
“Okay, you’re probably right,” Liv finally said. She clicked on the options for two-bedroom apartments. “Do you want to go see them, or should we just apply?”
“Let’s check out the reviews and make a decision,” Quinn suggested.
That seemed like a fair idea to Liv, so they spent a few hours poring over different sites.
When they narrowed it down, deciding on the first place they’d looked at, Liv went ahead and sent the link to her parents, asking for their help applying for the next school year.
“I know you don’t think they’re paying much attention to you while you’re here,” Quinn said, and Liv could sense that she was being cautious with her words. “But at least you think they’ll do this for you?”
“Oh, I mean… They want me to be safe, Quinn,” Liv replied with a sigh. “They’re not bad people, they just…they have a lot going on, and I’m not the priority.”
Quinn leaned into her. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, I’m okay,” Liv responded, trying her best not to cry. “I have to say, though… What you said before, about my parents meeting you, and what would they say?”
“Yeah? ”
“I think I could wave a bisexual pride flag in their faces, and they wouldn’t think twice about it. I honestly don’t think they’d figure anything out,” Liv said, almost unthinkingly.
Quinn’s face pinched, though the corner of her lips pulled up. “Bisexual? I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you say that.”
Liv’s heart drummed in her chest, both excited and terrified for Quinn to say more. She’d talked with Emma about it a little, trying the term on for size, and it felt right. But sharing this with Quinn felt so much bigger.
“Thank you for telling me,” Quinn gushed. She was looking at Liv with pride, with awe, with something deeper that Liv wouldn’t name, until Quinn jumped up and threw on her jacket. “I feel like we need cookies to celebrate. Or would you prefer cake? This is a big deal.”
“It is, thank you,” Liv replied. She felt warm all over at Quinn’s response, at the sweet look that she was giving her. “Maybe we can celebrate in a different way?”
Liv reached out a hand, folding her fingers inside Quinn’s coat, and tugged, pulling their bodies together.