Chapter 34
Liv
December, Senior Year
Liv could admit that the fall semester of their senior year was… rough .
They were sleeping in the same bed every night, having long ago given up on the pretense of the second room, but it felt like they were orbiting each other more than occupying the same space.
It felt like Quinn was withdrawing from her, the distance they’d felt over the summer pervasive, even when they were physically present.
But when it was good, it was still so, so good.
Like when Ronnie’s birthday came around again, and Quinn, without even saying anything to Liv, planned an entire day for them—plus Emma—to have a trashy movie marathon in their pajamas.
It wasn’t exactly an adventure, like the previous year, but she’d created an environment where Liv could simply turn off her brain, surrounded by the comfort of her best friends.
Quinn was her person. Even when things were tense between them, being with her was a safe space, the place she could most be herself. She couldn’t make herself think about losing that sense of belonging, of acceptance, of self. She couldn’t think about how hard it was going to be to give Quinn up.
The day before she was flying home for the holidays—her parents had generously decided to stay in Chicago that year—she met up with Emma for lunch.
“Did Quinn tell you about our swim team holiday party tonight?” Emma asked, shoveling food into her mouth .
“No,” Liv replied. “Is this something you guys do each year? Why haven’t I heard about it before?”
“We usually just do a quick gift exchange after the last practice in December,” Emma explained, waving her off. “But the captain this year is a real diva, she demands elegance.”
Liv laughed at her self-referential joke. “Sounds about right.”
“Oh, I know it,” Emma said. “We’re going to do a dinner at a nice place, dress up kind of fancy, the whole shebang.”
“Aw, fun,” Liv replied, before adding wantonly, “Quinn in dress clothes, huh? I can’t wait to see it.”
“Right,” Emma agreed, pretending to fan herself with her hand. When she stopped, Liv clocked the thoughtful expression on her friend’s face. “Everyone is allowed to bring a plus one. You should come.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Liv said, shooting it down. When Emma went to say something else, she added, “It’s going to be the swim team and their dates, right?”
“Yeah, technically,” Emma admitted. “But I mean, no one has to know that you guys are…whatever you are. You can come as her friend.”
Liv raised her eyebrows, and Emma sighed, continuing, “Okay, people would probably assume. But who cares?”
“I can’t,” Liv insisted. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, it wasn’t. But they’d already complicated things so much, Liv couldn’t go to an event as Quinn’s date.
“Okay,” Emma replied, slowly shaking her head at Liv in obvious disappointment.
“Besides, Quinn would have asked me if she wanted me there,” Liv added, as if she actually thought that was a good argument.
But Emma just scoffed. “Liv. Come on.”
“What?” Liv responded, and even she wasn’t sure if she was playing stupid or genuinely this dumb .
“She would want you there,” Emma said adamantly. “She loves—"
“Stop,” Liv replied, holding up her hand and slamming her eyes closed, like that was going to keep out what Emma was trying to say.
They’d promised each other no feelings. They’d committed to not dating, to friendship.
And Liv knew, she knew , that they were so far beyond those promises.
She knew it was wrong, that she wasn’t giving Quinn enough.
Liv wasn’t being what she deserved. She knew that they needed to end this, but she wanted, more than she’d ever wanted anything, to keep Quinn.
“I need to say this,” Emma said, and Liv opened her eyes to find her friend looking at her with the most serious expression she’d ever seen her wear. “I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable.”
Emma paused, as if asking Liv for permission, so Liv nodded for her to continue. “It doesn’t matter what I think, I know that. And this part is very, very important: I love you both . I do. You know that?”
“I do,” Liv admitted with another slight nod.
Emma nodded back and took a deep breath, gearing up to speak. “I think this has gotten to the point where you’re hurting each other. And I don’t think Quinn is going to stop it, even though she’s in pain. I think it’s going to have to come from you.”
“We have another whole semester.” She could hear the panic in her own voice.
“Is doing this for five more months going to make it easier, or harder, to end it?” Emma asked, her words far too gentle and…Liv didn’t know what to say. She knew what the right thing was, it was just at odds with what she wanted.
“My last final is in forty-five minutes,” Liv whispered. “I’m going to head over and review my notes one last time.”
With empathy she didn’t deserve, Emma reached her hand out to Liv. “I’m not trying to upset you. ”
Liv took her hand for a second, squeezing tightly. “I know. You’re a good friend, Em.”
She couldn’t focus on this now, on what Emma had said and the fact that she was right. She needed to concentrate on her exam, needed to center her attention on school, just for a few hours, and then she could go home and fall apart.
After her test, Liv rode her bike to the apartment, grateful for the brisk air and the lack of snow, which helped to clear her mind at least a little.
Quinn was there when she arrived, getting ready for the dinner, and…
well, that was certainly its own kind of distraction.
Because she looked perfect in snug, straight-leg black pants and a sleek sweater that must’ve been made with her body in mind, the way it clung to the muscles in her arms and stretched across her chest. She was also wearing glossy men’s leather dress boots with thick soles that made her even taller.
“What is this outfit?” Liv asked.
Quinn shrugged, a bit preoccupied. “I brought it to pair with my blazer for internship interviews in January.”
Oh, sure. Liv knew that Quinn had to have an internship—it was required for her degree.
Though she’d elected to go the business route, drawn into an industrial psychology focus as she closed out her program.
Her professors had even referred her to a few options that would work around her swim schedule, at least until the end of the season.
But this look, the way she was wearing it now… It was pure sex, at least to Liv.
“I think you’ll get the job,” Liv said, and that at least earned a small laugh from Quinn.
“I have dinner with the team tonight,” Quinn said. “Emma’s demanding we do a big end of semester celebration.”
“Yeah, she mentioned something about it at lunch today,” Liv replied unthinkingly.
“She invited you,” Quinn realized. It wasn’t a question, but Liv nodded. “And you said no? ”
Quinn looked hurt. And as Liv continued watching her, she realized that she looked small . Wrecked. Like she was slowly being taken apart piece by piece.
“I didn’t know if it would be appropriate,” Liv answered, her voice weak.
“Sure, of course,” Quinn responded. “I’m going to go help Em set up. I’ll be home late.”
She walked out without any further acknowledgment to Liv, and the coldness was…
entirely earned, Liv knew. It was 100% her fault, all of this was.
She had tried as best she could not to think about what Emma had said, but seeing Quinn hurt, she knew that their friend was right.
Because nothing, no matter how much Liv wanted more time in this little bubble that they’d created, was worth hurting Quinn like this.
Liv waited up until Quinn got home, the clock moving slowly but also far, far too quickly. She was alone with her thoughts, with her pain, and she was dreading the conversation they needed to have, but she knew it had to happen before they were apart for the holiday break.
“How was the party?” Liv asked tentatively as soon as Quinn walked through the door.
“I was the only one without a plus one,” Quinn said, and it was clear that Quinn had been focused on their interaction for the last several hours, too. “Even douchey fucking Brandon drove in for it.”
“You finally met Emma’s boyfriend,” Liv replied. She knew it wasn’t important, not with all that they had going on, but she was curious.
“Yes, and he’s exactly what you’d expect. So, I couldn’t hang out with Emma because, gross, so I sat with Janelle and her brother,” Quinn said.
Liv knew that she was trying to bait her with a mention of Janelle. Honestly, the idea of Quinn at a party with her made Liv enormously jealous, but she wasn’t going to rise to it. “She brought her brother? ”
“Yeah, he’s a freshman this year,” Quinn replied. “There were others who brought friends, too… I don’t understand why you couldn’t come. We’re supposed to be friends.”
Liv hesitated. “I promised them I wouldn’t date.”
“Liv, you made a pinky promise to your parents when you were seventeen years old. Do they really expect you to be beholden to it for the rest of your life?” The words exploded out of Quinn; it was raw, and it was unexpected, startling Quinn even more than Liv.
“Yes,” Liv insisted. “They are expecting me to follow all of their rules when I’m here and to take up the mantle of my family when I move home after graduation.”
“Do you hear how fucked that is,” Quinn replied, and Liv wondered if she had been drinking at the party, because Quinn had never talked to her like this. Maybe this was just the frustrations bubbling over.
“You don’t understand,” Liv said. “Ever since my sister… They need me to follow the plan, Quinn.”
“I get it,” Quinn said, before correcting herself. “Or, I don’t. Not really. I’m sorry that y’all went through that. I know you miss her, I’m sure they do, too. But you’re right, I don’t understand why that means that we can’t be together.”