Chapter 36
Liv
January, Senior Year
Liv thought she knew what it felt like to hit rock bottom, but her own personal hell was going home the day after her fight with Quinn, the day she woke up to an empty apartment, having to pretend to her parents that everything was fine.
She felt like she couldn’t breathe, she had to force herself to get out of bed, and she was barely eating, but… sure, she was fine.
Luckily for her, they never looked close enough to really see her.
The only time they showed even a remote interest was when she begged off going out with the Jamisons for New Year’s Eve, because she just couldn’t face Conner, and dealt with, at most, her mom’s mild irritation and her dad’s minor concern, each of them just a half step above indifference.
She thought that Quinn would reach out when the semester started again, that she would hear something from her. She thought Quinn would at least call or text, maybe just come home one day and tell her that they could still be friends. To show her in some way that Quinn valued her.
But, nothing.
Well, maybe not nothing. Because, of course, there was Emma, straddling the fence, trying to maintain a friendship with both of them.
It was difficult for Liv, though, particularly for the first few weeks of the semester, when she knew that Quinn was sleeping on Emma’s floor.
They had already spent so much time together at swim practices and extra workout sessions, but knowing that Quinn was crashing with Emma made Liv want to keep her distance.
And then, Emma told Liv that Quinn was going to move out, that a spot in the dorms had opened up and she’d grabbed it, and Emma acted as a master scheduler, planning a time that worked for all of them so that Quinn could come into the apartment and get as much of her stuff as possible.
Through Emma, she offered to take the bed from the second room and donate it somewhere, but Liv said that she planned to donate all the furniture at the end of the semester, so they might as well just leave it.
Because, if she was being honest, there was a tiny piece of her that hoped that Quinn would come back home, even if it was just to stay in that room, even if they were going to try to keep to a real friendship.
Even though she’d known it was happening, Liv had broken again the night she came home from class and found all of Quinn’s stuff cleared out. But it was her key, sitting on the kitchen counter, on top of a note that just said “I’m sorry” that truly ruined her.
Still, she tried to stay friends with Emma, even if Liv knew that she was less than pleasant to be around in her miserable state.
Emma texted her every day. She tried to convince her to meet up before or after classes, for meals, or to study.
Regardless of how surly Liv was, Emma was trying to stick with her.
In the time since Quinn and Liv had moved into the apartment, Emma had also gotten into the habit of using their kitchen when she wanted homemade food, so it wasn’t strange when she showed up one Sunday on Liv’s doorstep unannounced, carrying a few bags of groceries and offering to make them lunch.
It was the first time she’d done this since Quinn had moved her things out, though, and Liv was suspicious of her intentions. Still, she welcomed her friend in, sitting off to the side as Emma made herself at home in a kitchen that was at least as much hers as it was Liv’s or Quinn’s.
Liv watched Emma work, chopping veggies and stirring pasta, easily and mindlessly whipping up something that smelled incredible almost instantaneously, all while Emma tried to engage Liv in lighthearted chatter.
“How have your classes been going?” she asked.
“Fine,” Liv answered simply.
“Can you believe we’re almost done,” Emma replied, and Liv could feel the effort she was putting in, that she was genuine in her attempt to get Liv to interact.
“It’s wild,” Liv said lethargically.
“Are your parents coming for graduation?” Emma asked. She knew how complicated Liv’s relationship was with her mom and dad, so she was surprised that she would bring up the topic.
“It sounds like they might,” Liv answered noncommittally, although the basic answer still surprised Emma.
“Whoa, how do you feel about that?”
Liv shrugged. “It’s fine.”
Emma watched her for a few beats, and Liv could tell that she wanted to push the topic, but she didn’t dig, instead switching tracks. “Do you want to come to the swim meet next weekend? We’re hosting, so you won’t have to travel, and I’m feeling hot this season, if I do say so myself.”
“No, that’s not a good idea,” Liv muttered. Emma shook her head but didn’t say anything in response, and it was obvious that she had assumed Liv was going to say no, so what even was the point of asking?
Emma plated up the food, carrying it to the sofa, and waiting for Liv to join her. When Liv finally sat, Emma handed her a plate and watched patiently for her to start. “Are you going to eat?”
“I’m not particularly hungry, Em,” Liv replied. It did smell delicious, sure, but Liv was perpetually nauseated .
Emma sighed, throwing her head back before setting her plate down on the coffee table. “I am really trying here, Liv.”
“I don’t know what you want from me,” Liv said, shrugging and purposely trying not to give Emma anything to work with.
“It’s a long list,” Emma murmured, and Liv could tell that she hadn’t meant to say it out loud by the way her face changed, just shy of contrite.
“Oh, please. Feel free to share.” Liv was sick of talking around the issue, honestly, and she wanted them to just get it over with.
It was like Emma took Liv’s words as a challenge.
“To start, I would like you to eat, because I don’t think you’ve been taking very good care of yourself.
Then, I want one of you two idiots to end this standoff.
I want someone to blink and reach out, so that I don’t have to spend my last semester of college being your go-between.
I would love to go back into our bestie triad bubble and enjoy this time, before I move home and being a real fucking adult starts. ”
Though it was new to Liv, the way that she said it gave the strong impression that it may not have been the first time she’d relayed that particular message.
“Emma, it sounds like it would be a lot easier on you if you just stop pretending to be my friend,” Liv said simply, and she set her plate of food down next to Emma’s.
Her friend reacted like she’d slapped her. “What the hell are you talking about? I have never been pretending to be your friend.”
“But our friendship has always been tied up with Quinn,” Liv said.
“I mean, sure,” Emma admitted. “She introduced us, and it’s been the three of us more than not. But I’m not Quinn.”
“But every time I look at you, I think about her,” Liv whispered, even though she knew it was probably something she shouldn’t say .
“Well, it sounds like you were the one pretending to be my friend, then, Liv,” Emma replied, positively gutted. “If you want me to go away because you two broke up—"
“We didn’t break up,” Liv interrupted.
Emma threw up her hands and groaned. “I thought we’d be done with this stupid conversation once you two stopped sleeping together, but it feels like it is going to haunt me until my very grave.”
“You have to be in a relationship to break up,” Liv insisted stubbornly.
“Oh my God,” Emma shouted. “You two are so in love with each other, and you’re going to burn down your whole fucking life just so you don’t have to say it. It’s ridiculous.”
“Tell me how you really feel,” Liv replied. She could do this. This fight, this edge that they were about to tip over, it felt better, somehow, than the weeks of torment and silence.
And, sure, she knew objectively that she shouldn’t be taking all of this out on Emma. She shouldn’t be treating her like this, like a punching bag at her disposal.
But she was right here, and Emma was screaming at her, too.
“I have not been shy about how I felt about this from the very beginning,” Emma said. “You both have the emotional maturity of snails, at least when it comes to yourselves and your own feelings, and I knew it was going to end badly.”
“It must be great to know everything, Em,” Liv replied.
“This angry act you’re putting on right now isn’t cute,” Emma responded.
Act? Act ? She thought that Liv's being angry was an act? That couldn’t be further from the truth. Her sadness had fused with anger, the two emotions joining to create a gnawing, festering sensation that she couldn’t shake.
Every mistake Liv had made, every person Liv had hurt, she was sure those things had been entirely under her control.
She was the one to propose that she and Quinn “not date” each other, even though she knew, she knew , that it was a bad idea.
That they’d been too close for it to ever be simple.
And she was the one who’d ignored every warning from Emma, every sign that Quinn was hurting, all because she wanted to hold on tightly for just a little longer.
She was furious with herself.
She couldn’t… No, that wasn’t it. She didn’t want to explain that to Emma, though, so she just said, trying to keep her voice steady, “Can you please just go away?”
Emma nodded even as the hurt washed over her face. “Of course. Certainly wouldn’t want to force you to pretend to be my friend. Feel free to reach out, though, when you’re ready to apologize.”
With Liv sufficiently put in her place, Emma marched out of the apartment, and Liv had the displeasure of understanding, yet again, that she’d just chased a great person out of her life.