58. CORA
CORA
I think I’d feel better if someone poured concrete into my skull. I fling myself off my pillow like when you miss your alarm. My hands cover my eyes as I sit up, eyes closed, breathing slowly through my nose.
Why does it feel like if I open my eyes, everything from the last twelve hours will be real?
My head throbs, a deep pulse behind my eyes, and the memories start to creep in.
Getting ready for a random party I’d never have considered a month ago. Lane. The beach. I love you. The car. Flashing lights. My dad picking us up.
Oh my god.
My dad. It would’ve been better if he yelled. Instead, he wore that look—the one that screams disappointments and regret. He shook his head as he stood in front of Lane, like he didn’t even have the words.
I tried explaining myself. That this truly wasn’t Lane’s fault, it was all me. But he didn’t even give me a chance.
Coralee. We will talk tomorrow.
My full name. And also, a painfully full circle moment, thinking about me and Lane. The first night we met. Horribly poetic.
He dropped me off first—the car ride was complete silence. Lane sat in the back seat behind me. No matter how many times I tried to catch his gaze in the rearview mirror, he never looked at me. Not once. His face was blank as he stared outside the window.
I heard my dad come in a few minutes after I got into bed and hoped he’d come in. Want to talk. He didn’t.
I swallow hard, past the anxiety rattling around in my chest.
How did we go from saying “I love you” on the beach to the disaster that was the end of the night? It’s not hard to answer this question.
Me.
This is all me.
The moment the cop’s lights flashed behind us, Lane’s whole body went tight beside me. Just like the night with Oliver, when he took the fall trying to protect someone he cared about.
I know that story. Hell, I’m one of only three that know it.
That night changed everything for him—the place he lived, the people who cared for him. It was the reason he had to claw his way back into conversations about his future instead of just being the obvious choice.
And last night, I put him right back in it.
The pit which opens in my chest threatens to swallow me whole. I peel myself from my bed and walk down the stairs, unsure of what I’ll see when I get to the kitchen.
There’s my mom, reading a book with a cup of coffee. “Morning,” she says gently.
I hover in the doorway for a second before stepping in. “Morning,” I mumble.
Sitting across from her, I grab the French press and pour myself some coffee. I can feel her watching me as I take a sip.
Mom pushes a piece of toast in front of me and asks, “Do you want to tell me what happened?” Her voice is lighter than I expected.
I don’t even know where to start.
“I needed a ride home. Lane drove me. We got pulled over for a broken tail light, but I had an open bottle of tequila that fell out of my bag. The cop didn’t give us a ticket but made me call Dad.”
She nods along. Her eyes are as big as the plate my toast is on when I mention Lane.
“Why did you have a bottle of tequila in your bag? Didn’t think you were really into that…” I don’t know if that last part is for me or herself. “You know that’s pretty careless, Cora.”
My lip wobbles before I can stop it. “Don’t you think I know that?”
She shrugs her shoulders like she doesn’t know the answer. “I just…” Her words drift as she looks around the kitchen, as if the rest of her sentence is hidden somewhere. “Ever since Freddy, you’ve been acting different. And when your dad told me you were with Lane… it sort of made sense.”
My jaw drops. I can’t even help it. She thinks this is because of Lane? There’s no way.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“From right here… I’m telling you what I see, sweetie.”
It’d be better if she yelled at me instead. The disappointment sort of drips from her words; even though I’ve beaten myself up for as long as I can remember, it still stings. The fact that she immediately wants to put my mistake on Lane makes my heart hurt.
“Lane isn’t the problem,” I argue. “This is my mess. I’m the one who went to a party to try and feel something other than the vice grip I’ve been in.”
“Honey, you need to take a breath—”
“Will a breath eliminate my migraines? Don’t think so. Will they change the fact that I’m going to fail a class because I had a migraine and missed an exam?” I shout.
My mom reaches for my hand. “Cora, I—”
“And you know who has been there? Making sure I don’t self-destruct to the point of no return? Lane.”
The laugh falls from my mouth as I lean back in my chair.
“Freddy would never. Freddy tricked me, like he tricked you. Maybe he loved me at one point, but that version of him has been long gone. I don’t think you talk about getting married and then dump her a week later.
I don’t think you plan to live with her your senior year only to change your mind.
He’s not the guy I knew back in high school, the sweet one who made us laugh and felt part of the family. ”
My mom’s head keeps tilting as she listens, like the weight of it is affecting her.
“And the best version of Freddy? Doesn’t even come close to Lane.” My voice shakes at the end, eyes filling with tears. It’s like the true weight is hitting me all at once—how much I care about Lane. How he risked something to be with me. How I could put him in that position last night.
“I didn’t know about your class. You didn’t say anything.” Her hand reaches for mine and I let her take it.
“I couldn’t. I was embarrassed and also held out hope I’d be able to fix it.”
She holds my hand as we sit in the silence. Tears trickle on my cheeks and I wipe them with the back of my other hand.
“All my life, I’ve been trying to keep it together.
Act like I could handle it all… even when I couldn’t.
” My voice cracks at the realization. It’s the first time I’ve said the words aloud, but not the first I’ve felt it.
Control doesn’t mean perfection. Spreading myself thinner than tissue paper didn’t protect me from heartbreak, disappointment, or emotional exhaustion.
Shaking my head, I move on from the internal crisis I’m about to spiral into.
“Dad would’ve lost it if he knew I was dating Lane. You and I both know that.” I confirm her suspicion of what’s actually going on between me and him.
She sighs. “You know the rules–”
“All I’ve ever done is follow the rules!” It comes out louder than I hoped and the look on my mom’s face proves it. “I’ve tried so hard to not get in trouble, do the right thing, be the model college student. And for what?” My hands fall to my sides, clapping on my legs.
My mom nods in understanding and I believe she’s really trying to get me. Get this. She puts her hand on the top of my head, stroking down.
“Where is Dad, anyway?” I look around at the empty kitchen.
She takes a deep breath and says, “He had a disciplinary meeting with Lane this morning.” Her words are strained, guarded, like it’s something she wasn’t supposed to tell.
All the blood leaves my face. I didn’t expect him to talk to Lane without talking to me first. I stand, looking for my purse and my keys, and my mom jumps in, nodding to the keys on the hook. “Your car is getting a new taillight. Take mine.”