Chapter 2
CHAPTER TWO
Dean
W alking home with Eli and Em is usually a highlight of my day.
Usually .
But I’m going to be getting the third degree in three, two, one…
“So how come you offered after hours appointments to Liaden O’Brien?” And there it is. In the least surprising move ever, Emily’s gone straight for the jugular as Eli slings his arm around her.
“What?” Eli asks, looking from her to me.
If his curiosity is piqued too, I might as well just give in.
He knows I just don’t do out of hours, and I’m second guessing the decision myself.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, to ensure I got to see the pretty lady again sooner, but maybe I should have just waited the eight weeks after all.
It’s not like it would make any difference to anything.
I sigh, aiming for casual-verging-on-bored. It’s really nothing , I tell them. Her design is cool, that’s all. It fired up the creative juices, you know? It’s gonna be an interesting one to do. Might even be a new photo for reception, if I pull it off well.
“Cool, man, what is it?” Eli asks .
She wants a fragment of the Rosetta Stone.
Ever seen it? He shakes his head, so I whip out my cell and in seconds I’m showing him one of the images I’ve saved, which just happens to be right there when I opened my phone.
I’ve been researching it obsessively between other appointments this afternoon, and I’ve just basically ratted on myself.
Em’s slow, knowing grin makes it clear I’m right.
“Wow,” Eli says as he studies it, eyebrows raised, “where’s she having it?”
On her back, nape to small. She wants it all covered.
He whistles. “How many other tattoos does she have?
None. This will be her first.
“Whoah,” he winces. “Pretty extreme for a first one, but it’ll look incredible when it’s done.
Might even be your number one best of all time.
” He turns to see his future wife beaming at me, and, because it’s her , his face automatically breaks out into an answering grin of his own, like a reflex action.
Emily smiling makes him smile, every single time.
“What? I feel like I’m missing something here. ”
Em looks up at him and raises her eyebrows, her eyes twinkling. “She’s really pretty. Like, super -pretty.” She watches me to gauge my reaction.
Was she? I shrug at her. But I can’t meet her eyes as I lie.
Reaching across Eli to swat my arm, she scowls playfully. “I’m just saying, I definitely picked up a vibe between the two of you.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head, smiling, but…damnit, my face is heating up again. Where the fuck has all this blushing come from? Fuck my life.
“ Really ?” Eli grins, nudging my arm. “Awesome. Can’t wait to meet her.”
Shut up , I laugh at them both, it’s nothing.
But it’s not nothing.
I thought about her a lot this afternoon, with a lightness in my chest that I don’t remember feeling before. Or at least, not for a long time.
But it’s kind of making my head ache, too. Maybe it’s from the way she’s been pounding her feet on the pavement of my mind since I met her.
I’ve had a few flashes of Callie’s face in my mind’s eye a few times after meeting Liaden. Her whole face, thank god, not the other image of her that I’m cursed to carry. No, in this one Callie’s in her green and yellow cheerleader uniform, smiling at me from across the school quad.
I think I’m making too much of this whole Liaden attraction thing in my head.
It’s not like I never look at a woman and think, heyyyyyy .
Though, in my mind, it sounds as stupid as Butthead saying hey bebbeh .
I mean, for god’s sake, I thought Em was real pretty when we first met, and I appreciated the shit out of how she learned some basic signs for me before we’d even been introduced.
It was a sweet thing for someone to do, and that someone was an undeniably cute woman, and my head did briefly turn a little bit, a very little bit .
I’m only human, after all, even if I am a broken one.
But she and Eli are perfect together, and I can’t wait for them to get married and live happily ever after.
And now she’s just my buddy, with no hint of that initial spark of like that I had for her for a few brief, insignificant seconds when we first met.
See? Fleeting. Momentary. Easily dismissed.
The way it should be.
But I do envy them their well deserved happily ever after.
Not in a mean way. I just sometimes see them together and sigh a little to myself, and wonder what it’s like to be in an adult relationship.
Callie and I adored each other, but what we had will always be a teenage love frozen in time, underdeveloped and cruelly interrupted.
It’s not a pathway that’s open for me, but…
what would it be like to have a woman look at me the way Em looks at my cousin?
Having a hand to hold and gently squeeze as I walk down the street.
Having someone to come home to after a long day at work, and kiss goodnight without wondering if her dad’s going to open the door and interrupt us.
Someone to kiss goodnight in my bedroom.
In my bed .
I shake it off impatiently. There are so many reasons why that side of life is closed to me, it’s not even funny. So it’s best to just not think about it. No wonder I’ve given myself a headache.
Eli turns back to me, and whatever he was going to say disappears when he looks at my face.
A change of topic would be better. “We’re making spaghetti tonight, you want in?
” They’re always happy to include me in their dinner plans, which is awesome of them.
But they need couple time, so I don’t always take them up on it.
I do miss having regular dinner plans with Eli before he found Em, but I don’t resent that loss. I’m happy for them.
Nah, I’m good thanks. Need to pick some stuff up at the grocery store. You guys need anything? As far as I’m concerned, I’ll do anything I can to pay them back for all they do to me, in whatever small ways I can.
“I think we’re OK for everything…?” Eli gives Em a questioning look, and she nods her agreement. “Thanks, though.” He turns back to Em. “How’s the song choice list coming along?”
“Not bad. Thought we could go through it tonight?”
My gut churns thickly as I listen to them discussing wedding planning.
I still haven’t had the conversation with Eli.
The one where I tell him there’s no possible way I can do the whole Best Man thing, and when I volunteered to do that for him I just got carried away in the moment, and now I have to let down the man who’s never once done that to me.
Pussying out is a poor way to thank him for everything, no matter how good my justification.
But I don’t want to ruin his wedding and distract him from the best day of his life with my shit.
Realistically, I have to tell him, and soon.
But every time I get ready to do it, something stops me. I wish I knew what.
“So, I’m also thinking Rammstein, Motorhead, Motley Crue,” Eli continues as I drift back to the conversation. “Maybe some Marilyn Manson to lighten the mood - ugh !” He laughs as Em pokes him in the ribs.
“Yeah, sure, baby. How about if I walk down the aisle to User Friendly ?” She turns to me as we slow down, getting ready to go off in our separate directions. “What do you reckon, Dean?”
I think of the lyrics to User Friendly , especially the chorus, and laugh through my nose. If you actually did it, I’d die laughing. She giggles.
“And if you promise me you won’t, Chere ,” Eli adds with a definite look in his eyes, “I will…” He leans forward to whisper in her ear, and her eyes light up.
I roll my eyes in amusement. My cue to leave , I say.
They look up a little sheepishly. “Bye,” Em calls to me as I start to make tracks, and Eli grins and nods.
Yeah, from the way they’re looking each other and hurrying back to their apartment, I definitely made the right call turning them down for dinner. Wedding planning my ass .
I always go to the same supermarket. It’s small, but it’s the closest one to home, and a lot of the staff recognize me by now and don’t expect me to make conversation with them at the checkout if the self-service tills are too busy.
I grab a basket and think about what I need. I can’t be bothered to cook anything too fancy tonight, so I grab a can of tomato soup, and some cheddar and a loaf of bread to make a grilled cheese to go with it. That, plus a few episodes of Parks and Recreation , and that’s my evening complete.
Then I’ll just have the night to get through, and I’ll be back to the parlor and the whole cycle can start again.
I pick up a few other staples I’m running low on, when I see a flash of pink at the end of the aisle. The same pink that’s been playing on my mind all afternoon.
You gotta be fucking kidding me . Twice in one day?
I stand stock still, not sure if I hope she sees me or pray she doesn’t. Still, my eyes are irresistibly drawn to her like a magnet.
Liaden’s basket is full to the brim with fresh vegetables. There’s also a gold bottle of chocolate Baileys and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s resting on top. I can’t make out the flavor at this distance. I squint. There’s a magazine poking out of the side, and I wish I could see what it was.
For a second - just a split second - I think about walking up to her…
…but what would be the point?
I don’t have my tablet with me, and we can’t hand spell an entire conversation. And besides, what the hell would I say?
I shake my head and walk away to a new aisle before she sees me. I don’t need anything else badly enough to stick around, so I’ll just head to the checkout, pay, and go home. And stop thinking about her beautiful smile.
Yeah, right . Snap out of it, shithead. You’re being ridiculous.