Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Dean
I ’m too restless to stay at home, so I’m at the pub half an hour before I meet the guys, nursing a lager shandy and drumming my fingers on the table.
I’m half tempted to start knocking back something stronger, hair of the dog that bit me, but I’m still sore from last night in more ways than one.
Plus, it’s a slippery slope with me and substances, even alcohol, so I do the smart thing and drink light. I have to be careful.
I can still taste Liaden’s kiss on my lips, and I don’t want the harsh burn of liquor to wash it away.
I’m glad I got a secluded corner table, away from the rest of the Sunday lunch customers to have the conversation I need to have for her sake. I don’t mind the embarrassment I’m going to feel, but I don’t want my private business to be overheard.
That kiss…
I mean, I know I’m out of practice; my last make-out session was almost half my lifetime ago, so any kiss would be remarkable.
But even bearing that in mind, that was something special.
The way we fit together, matched each other’s rhythm so quickly, held each other so tight as the intensity built…
She tasted like happiness, and every little sigh she made as I kissed her is running through my head over and over on a loop.
I hope it never stops. I like this thought train.
And I didn’t think of Callie once.
I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I don’t feel bad . And there's a whole bunch of shit to unpack right there, but that’s gonna have to wait for another time.
It’s not easy to sideline Callie, because normally I do think about her a lot, prioritize her in my mind.
It seems the bare minimum I owe to the girl I failed to save.
But now Liaden is a priority, too, and that’s terrifying and complicated and…
good . I know in my bones it’s good, even if it does come with a side order of guilt.
Eli and Leo arrive together, and I’m relieved to have these thoughts interrupted.
“Hey, man. Same again?” Leo looks worn out after last night, and Eli has shadows under his eyes, but they’ve still shown up for me. I shake my head, holding up my half full glass, and he turns to Eli. “Doom Bar?”
“Thanks, man,” Eli replies as he sits beside me, and Leo heads off to the bar.
I sigh. Where y’at?
“Awrite. You?” I’m given one of his diagnostic looks, seeking out any obvious reason for my call for aid this morning.
I’m OK. Just…it’s been a hell of a morning, and I need your advice.
I look up at the bar, where Leo is making the bartender blush and giggle as she pulls his pints, because flirting is as automatic as breathing with him.
I need BOTH of you to advise me , I add.
Eli can give me great advice as a man devoted to his woman, but Leo’s ladies’ man credentials are like gold to me right now.
“No problem,” Eli replies in his mumbly voice with a vague chuckle at Leo.
That’s one of the best things about Eli: he’s not pushy, and will let me talk about things in my own time without pressing me for more than I want to say.
He took the advice my first few therapists gave him seriously.
He’s always unflappable, always ready to listen rather than talk - in fact, mostly he prefers it - and I know he’ll go easy on me with this.
I need to swallow my pride for this conversation, and he’ll pick up on that and treat it as no big deal.
Leo will be more animated, and probably have more questions, but I know he won’t laugh at me either.
So as humiliating as this is, I know they’ll help, and I’m not above asking for advice.
Besides, Liaden will be better off if I talk to them instead of going in blind with guess work, so as far as I’m concerned, any embarrassment is one thousand percent worth it.
Leo comes back with the pints and settles down on the stool opposite mine.
“So what’s up?” He takes a drink and wipes the foam off his moustache with the back of his hand, looking me straight in the eye.
He kids around more than most, but he’s always been there for me when I’ve needed him, and he’s never once held the scar on his eyebrow against me.
It’s not just Eli I’m thankful for in this life.
I run a hand over my face and go over what I practised saying in my head on the way here. Liaden and I kissed this morning.
Before I can go any further, Leo wordlessly holds a hand up to Eli, his expression unchanged, and Eli high fives him with an approving rumble.
I exhale a laugh. She actually liked the Facebook post, if you can believe it , I add, still a little incredulous that something so cringeworthy had such a positive result.
Eli smiles. “I can believe it. What you did was one hell of a grand gesture, even if you were drunk off your ass.”
“Seconded,” Leo adds.
I shrug. I still feel like a total tool about that, but I guess it all worked out. Anyway, she came over to my place and asked me to kiss her, so I did, and now… What? They’re both grinning at me like a pair of idiots.
“Nothin’, frere . Go on.” Eli schools his face into a more serious, attentive expression. Leo makes no such effort, which is distracting, but I plough on.
Well, now she’s invited me to her place tomorrow, and…
Here goes. I think things might…escalate…
God help me, I can feel my face going red.
And I don’t want to punk out. I want to do this, but…
I need to know how to… I swear to god my hair is sweating.
How to make sure anything we do together is good for her, not just me.
Because there’s no way I’m leaving her hanging or short changing her…
if you know what I mean. I look up from the beer mat I’ve been fiddling with, relieved beyond words to see there’s not even a hint of amusement on their faces.
I knew they’d never outright lose their shit laughing at me, but it’s great to see they’re not even smirking.
Eli thinks on it, and then signs to me without saying the words out loud. Have you told her you’ve never had sex before? I’m grateful for his thoughtfulness in only signing, because it is private, and I don’t want anyone to overhear more than is unavoidable.
I think back over my conversations with Liaden. No. Not explicitly. I mean, she’s smart enough to have maybe picked up on a lack of experience, but… I make the so-so gesture with my hand. I haven’t told her outright.
“Tell her,” Leo says immediately, and Eli nods his agreement. “Since this is on the cards for you both, it is the sort of thing she should know upfront. I’m sure she’d never judge, and if she did, well, you shouldn’t be having sex with someone like that, anyway.” He shrugs.
True , I reply. The man has a point: if I’m going to get naked with her, I need to be able to do that in more ways than just physically.
It means she’ll know what to expect, or not expect, or whatever.
I can imagine she’ll be surprised when she finds out I’m a virgin in my mid thirties, but knowing her the way I do by now, I can’t imagine she’d laugh or mock me.
She’s more likely to be scientifically fascinated and document the whole business for an academic paper, ‘Linguistic implications for deflowering the mute adult American male’ or some shit. But I hope she doesn’t.
“OK, I’m only going to ask you this once,” Eli says quietly.
“Are you sure this is what you want? Because if you’re genuinely ready to take this step, then no-one will be happier for you than me.
But this is a big step for you, and there’s no shame if you’re not ready yet, or if you want to take more time. ”
I think about what he’s said. It’s an easy question to answer, really.
It IS a lot, but I feel good about it. And I’m not walking away.
And honestly…not to give you guys TMI, but…
I WANT this woman. So bad. I think about how her lips felt under mine, so soft and warm and delicious, and how they’d feel in other places on my body, and I ache with pure want.
This new, heightened lust is intense and merciless, and I love it.
Eli nods. “Then fair enough.” He clears his throat. “So how did she put her invitation specifically ? Because she might not expect a home run off the bat. We’ll still give you some advice anyway, but…”
She said we could ‘pick up where we left off and see what happens’ , I reply with an uneven smile.
And guys…that kiss was off the chart. I can definitely see STUFF happening, because…
well, it got pretty heated . As much as I need their help, I’m not going to be one of those guys with their bullshit ‘locker room talk’ about private stuff.
So maybe something will happened, maybe it won’t.
But I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be the guy with a gorgeous woman in front of me and no fucking clue how to make it real good for her.
I am NOT going to be the only one having it all.
“Good man,” Leo says approvingly.
So , I continue, doggedly determined, I’m afraid I’m going to need excruciating and forensic detail about what I need to do, cos I’m not a hundred percent sure where to even begin.
I mean, I’m not a total dumbass, and I have seen some porn, but the women in those movies seem to immediately start howling and moaning from five seconds of foreplay, and I don’t buy it.
And I don’t want her to have to fake it for my fucking ego, you know?
I really like this woman. A whole goddamn lot.
I rub my face, relieved to have finally gotten it all out, and brace myself for what they’ll say.