Chapter 28 #3
When she found me, I was barely clinging to life, and for years, I was so angry with her for finding me too soon for me to just die on the floor and not have to live with what happened.
But now, I just keep thinking about what she went through.
Wading through the mangled bodies of almost everyone she knew.
Inexplicably alive and unharmed. Terrified to move, not knowing where the gunman was, just that it had been quiet for a while.
Her best friend’s boyfriend coughs some blood bubbles, and suddenly there’s a fragment of hope.
Someone she could save. And I’d spent all this time hating her for it.
I explained to her in the email that I needed a little more time before I decided if I could read her book, and the truth was I might never be able to read it, but I sincerely wished her well with it.
And I asked her to let everyone who reads it know how happy we all were before it happened.
And how loved. With a special mention for Callie, just because.
She sent me an email back, and I was only able to read the first line before my eyes misted over. I regret the long silence between us, when we could have pulled together, grieving and remembering the same people, helping each other through it.
All this time, we might have been friends.
Day 5 1
Made it fifty days.
The rules on outside contact are starting to relax at this stage.
Still can’t see them, they don’t do visits here because the focus is entirely on the program without the safety net of rewards like visitors.
The whole point is to not need them, to feel strong enough to be able to cope without.
But I’m texting them more. And the next step is to rebuild my relationships with the people who matter to me most.
Dean Gastright: Hey man
Eli Gastright: Hey
Eli: How are you doing? Great to hear from you.
Dean: So as part of the therapy, I have to think about what I want to say to key people, and write them a letter. But I’d rather just talk to you directly, and they’ve said that’s OK
Eli: Sure, man - how can I help
Dean: You’ve done enough. That’s the whole point.
Dean: You’ve been amazing over the past 15 years, and I have no way of expressing what that means to me. What you mean to me.
Dean: I can’t even begin to thank you
Dean: But I want you to know you don’t have to do that anymore
Dean: I’ve almost completed my time here, and I swear you won’t recognize me. I’m medicated, I’ve done intensive therapy, EMDR, hypnosis. And it’s helping, for real this time. I’m finally genuinely OK. And I got this far because of you.
Dean: I guess what I’m trying to say is, no irony intended, I don’t have the words, and I will always owe you everything. But it’s time for me to be your cousin, to be your brother
Dean: And I can’t wait to be your Best Man
Eli: My brother, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat
Eli: It’s thanks to you that I have Emily
Eli: And I need you to know that you are not a burden. You never have been.
Eli: I owe you plenty. And I am so proud of you. And listen, there's something I need to say.
Dean: I'm listening
Eli: I'm sorry I wasn't there that night.
Dean: What do you mean
Dean: Prom night??
Eli: Yeah
Eli: I've always felt like I should have been there and…I dunno, something.
Dean: Eli, WTF. It wasn't your prom. You had no reason to be there, no-one could reasonably have expected you to attend, and I'm incredibly thankful that you weren't
Dean: Please never give it another thought, you have nothing to apologize for
Eli: Alright. Thank you.
Eli: Can’t wait for you to come home again
Dean: It won’t be long. Oh, and Eli?
Dean: Rebook your wedding. My Best Man speech is ready and waiting.
Dean Gastright: Hi Leo
Leo Mills: HEY!
Leo: OMG, how the hell are ya?!
Leo: Bro, you are MISSED
Dean: That’s so kind of you
Leo: Nothing but the truth, daddio
Dean: I have something I want to say to you
Leo: Ok…should I be sitting down? LOL
Dean: LOL no need
Dean: I just want to say thank you
Leo: For what?
Dean: Literally everything. Giving me a home. Always being on my side. Holding me down when you had to. And never holding your eyebrow injury against me. Other people would have, but you didn’t.
Dean: Eli did a lot of the heavy lifting with me, like being basically on-call for me overnight, but I have never forgotten how much I owe you, and it’s totally insufficient, but I wanted to say a big thank you.
Leo: …
Leo: ‘Scuse me, I’m chopping onions
Dean: Me too, a little bit LOL
Leo: Dude…it was my pl easure
Leo: Now, when are you coming home so I can give you a big old bro hug?
Dean: Soon. But first, I’m going home to Liaden. I’ll see y’all the day after, but day one on the other side belongs to her
Leo: Good man. Also just FYI, we have clients queueing up to book in with you when you’re ready to come back. Nate Woodruff says he’s first.
Dean: LOL sure, I think I’ll be ready a couple of days after I’m back
Leo: Need a couple of days to ‘reacquaint’ with L? [Wink emoji]
Dean: At least
Leo: Take as long as you need. Always.
Day 62
Today I messaged Eli and told him about the stash of pills I’d been collecting. I told him where to find them, and asked him to junk every last one. I don’t need them. I’m not going anywhere.
Day 83
Dean tGastright: My love
Dean: This time, I really AM ready to come home
Dean: Will you please come and pick me up in 7 days? I want to spend my first day out with you. Just you.
Dean: I love you, Liaden. I can’t wait to see you.