Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Sadie
L eo treats me like gold even more than normal after that. He comforts me with hand kisses and hugs on tap, and reassures me with infinite patience that I didn’t do anything wrong when I blew up at my Dad. The way Leo tells it, Dad richly deserved everything I yelled at him, and that going no contact with him was absolutely the best decision, both for me and for our little one. And I don’t think Leo’s wrong, especially on that last part. Even the idea of my child being exposed to such bitter nastiness, and from people who are meant to love them and be overjoyed at their presence in their lives, makes me feel cold, so perhaps this is all going to work out OK. Maybe even for the best.
And besides, my baby will have an abundance of love from Tim, and Jacob also gave us his support, which was a touching surprise. I wish he and I could become closer, properly brother and sister rather than polite acquaintances. How much of that was because of George Stewart’s regimented, table thumping way of laying down the law with his family and controlling us all? I shouldn’t be surprised. He really did a number on Tim and Nat back in the day, and I feel sure it’s a contributing factor as to why they’re still not back together.
And I must remember that Dad has no influence over the other side of my little one’s family. As a very astute and thoughtful surprise, Leo arranged for a Facetime call with his mother, his sisters, and Wendy for after the family dinner. Their open, hearty elation that we’re having a baby offset the evening’s unpleasantness nicely, and provided a thought provoking contrast. Wendy winked at me, keeping our confidence, and Marla, Leo’s mother, could not have been more thrilled at the prospect of her first grandchild. Theda and May asked if there was anything we needed that they could send as a gift, and Tippi promised to buy baby t-shirts from all the many places she was going to visit between now and when they were born, and even promised to take them on trips when they were old enough. This is what family should be. Their happiness and promises of love and regular visits soothed my bruised feelings like nothing else could have, and my tears became tears of joy. I felt so happy.
Nothing can take that away.
I stay at Leo’s townhouse with him that night, swinging by my flat on the way to pick Gary up. No way am I leaving my little dude home alone. The rotten sod caws and tells me I have dog breath as I let him out of the cage, needing a Gary-cuddle. I have more of a connection with him than I do with my parents, and the thought makes me start crying again. Fucking hormones. But Gary rests his little feathered head under my chin and tells me I’m a wanker in a much quieter and more soothing voice, and it’s not easy to continue feeling bad while that’s going on.
He’s very much at home at Leo’s, happy to fly around all three floors and singing expletives to his heart’s content. I know how he feels; right now, as I’m sprawled out on Leo’s squashy corner couch and having my feet rubbed expertly by my host, I feel free to be me, and like I could quite happily stay here forever.
“Sades?” Leo whispers.
“Mmm?” God, I’m so relaxed. I really needed this after that blow-up.
“Move in with me.”
Record scratch.
I sit bolt upright. “Whuh?” I blurt inarticulately. My relaxation dissolves.
He lifts one of my feet and kisses my ankle bone playfully. “Move in with me,” he repeats, like it’s just that simple.
God, did he read my mind? I mean, when I thought I could stay here forever, I didn’t actually mean it…
…did I?
NO. No, of course not. We’re already racing so far ahead as a couple. Living together is just one more item stacked on the already overloaded Buckaroo that is us. We need to pace ourselves more. Why can’t he just get that through his head?
“Well, I can tell from your delighted response that you’re completely on board with the idea,” he says wryly, resuming my foot massage serenely.
“Look, it’s really nice of you…” I cast around for the right words.
“I’m not asking to be nice, idiot. I’m asking because I want to live with you, and it makes perfect sense.”
“What?!” I splutter. “How… how does it make perfect sense?! You knocked me up like five minutes after we got together. We’re already under huge pressure. Why are you hell bent on adding to that?” I scramble up and try to calm my racing thoughts. I’ve always valued my space, my independence. I dread being reliant on anyone, always have, always will. And no, Leo is nothing like Peter, but it’s never smart to jump headfirst into decisions that entangle your life with someone else’s, enmeshing with them in a way that would be hard to get out of. That’s just common sense…
“Jesus, woman, I can hear you thinking like a frickin’ meat grinder over there.” There’s a tinge of irritation to his teasing, and that’s about all I can take today.
“Jesus, man , why are you forcing the pace so much?!” I snap back. “Of all times to bring this up, couldn’t you have let me relax for the evening? Were you not there earlier?”
He holds his hands up. “OK, you’re right. My timing could have been better. But why is the thought of living with me causing you to blow up again? I’m asking you to move in, not rip out both your kidneys and hand them to me!”
Oh, great. Now I’m hurting his feelings. Again .
I could try to mellow out and apologise, and see if we can hash out a solution.
Or… I could freak out.
I’m going to freak out.
Leo
“Why are you fucking doing this to me?” she rants, massaging her temples fitfully. “Can’t we just take things one step at a time, instead of taking every step at once? I know you’re in some kind of big damn hurry because you’ve loved me for so long, but why is it so wrong to be sensible and pace ourselves? We’ll be more likely to last if we - ”
“Is this about what your dad said about me?” I cut in.
She stares at me, and my insides squirm a bit at the white hot fury in her eyes. “You did not just say that to me.”
“Well, what do you expect me to think?” I’m raising my voice now. I know it’s a dumbass thing to do, but I can only take so much. “It’s like pulling fucking teeth with you, all the damn time . Why do you always put up every obstacle you can think of?” My gut twists unhappily. I don’t want to ask, but the words come out anyway. “Is it because you’re not actually all in with me, or what? Hedging your bets? Waiting for something better to come along?”
Her mouth drops open. “After the way I defended you to my dad, how on earth do you have the nerve to ask me that?”
“Are. You. On. Board?” I don’t know why I’m doubling down, but I’m too mad and too frustrated to think about what a bad idea it is to push her like this.
“Get out of my sight,” she spits like an angry cat.
“It’s my home,” I point out irritably.
“And let me see if I can find a fuck to give,” she says, sarcastically searching her pockets. “Get the fuck out of my sight, now .”
I sigh, defeated and annoyed to my very core. I’m done for tonight, with everything. “Fine,” I mutter, storming out to retreat upstairs until she’s calmed down enough to have this conversation.
But then I hear it.
A muffled weepy noise, a whimper I’ve never heard Sadie make before.
The switch is flipped, and in a split second I whirl right around and rush to her, pulling her into my arms. She clutches my t-shirt and cries into it, and it tears my heart because she’s already been upset more than enough today and here I am adding more petrol to the fire. Cradling her head, stroking her hair as I twist us from side to side, I murmur soothing nonsense until her sobs become hiccups, frantic to comfort her and sorrier than I can say.
“I’m sorry,” she whimpers. “I know I’m…not easy to deal with.”
“It’s fine,” I whisper, kissing the trail of tears on her face. “I know you have trust issues. I knew that going in. And it’s hardly surprising.” I mean, look at her father and her ex. Hardly great examples of what to expect from my gender.
“But I shouldn’t make you suffer for that.” She nestles into me, hiding her face. “It’s just not easy for me to let go of the reins.”
“I’m sorry I got pissed off, my love. We don’t have to talk about it again until you’re ready,” I promise her. “But what I need you to fully take on board is… I don’t just want to be the father of your baby. I’m never only gonna be your baby daddy , or whatever. I want to be your man. The one you come home to. The one you share everything with.” She goes still in my arms as she takes that in. “And aside from actually wanting to live with you anyway, I also want to live with my kid. I don’t want to be the kind of dad who picks little Leo Junior or Leonora up from their mother’s place. There’s nothing wrong with that, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not something I want, because it’s you . And you know I love you.”
The silence stretches out, and a small piece of me withers when, once again, she doesn’t say it back.
And she doesn’t even pick up the Leo Junior/Leonora gauntlet I laid down. She must be wrung out.
“Can we just put a pin in it for now?” she asks. “I’m completely beat, and I can’t make any big life decisions when I’m so fucking drained.”
“Sure,” I say, not hesitating. “How about I order in some dessert, anything you like, and we watch whatever you want on TV?”
“Even Bridgerton?”
“Are you kidding?” I chuckle, even though I’m still a little raw. “ Especially Bridgerton. I’ve seen it three times myself already. Team Penelope.”
“Of course you are,” she laughs tiredly. “But that sounds perfect.”
Baby, I couldn’t agree more.
I just wish she’d let everything be even more perfect. I wish she’d trust me fully, and not just pretend she does, not merely pay lip service to it while still holding something back from me as a safety net. She doesn’t need one, not with me. But I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not complaining. Leo of this time last year would kill to be in my shoes right now. He wouldn’t have asked for anything more.
But I do want more. I want it because I know I could have it, if she’d stop getting in our way.
And I think a little more time and patience, and a lot more meddling in my own love life, might just get us there.