Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Sadie
O ne of the benefits of having a newlywed as a best friend is that she’s just had to change her surname with all of her service providers, so she has a full list of everywhere I need to change my address to Leo’s. Or ours , as he insists on calling it.
And I agree, it is.
I’ve had different pieces of mail going to both my flat and Peter’s over the past few months. I used to split my time between both addresses, and so did he, but I never got anything of his once we separated. I was far too preoccupied to change everything to just mine after the break up, so I just changed it as matters arose, like the first time I ordered something from Amazon after I’d left. It’s going to be good to do a clean sweep and get it all done properly.
So far, living with Leo has been an absolute dream. And it’s not just that he bought me each and every type and brand of decaf coffee he could find so I could source one that didn’t taste like arse, or that he brings me a mug every single morning before I get out of bed. Just being with him, having him be my new normal, has filled me with a sense of everything being right that I wasn’t expecting, and had never occurred to me.
He found space for all my favourite furniture, even my enormous standard lamp with an ungainly fox print shade, despite the fact that I know he thinks it’s ugly. He installed two parrot play gyms for Gary, one in the sitting room and one in our bedroom, so the little shit has plenty to do and play with all day. I saw him kiss the back of Gary’s head when he thought I wasn’t looking, and Gary let him . I guess even he knows how much Leo is putting into taking care of us.
And every single night, Leo plays big spoon and cocoons me and the baby in the warmth of his arms, his hand resting light and warm on my stomach, leaving both me and our baby in no doubt that we are safe and loved.
He’s consumed me. I’ve never felt this secure and adored in all my life, and I still can’t quite believe this is really happening, but in the face of daily proof, I can’t really do anything but try to relax and accept my good fortune.
It’s not all roses, though, and the baby knows how to bring me back down to earth with a bump, pun intended. Like when the baby decides it doesn’t like the smell of breakfast, it’s inescapably clear that this is my life now, complete with very occasional random barfing sessions and raging heartburn like nothing I’ve ever known before, and finding all my shoes are suddenly too tight.
But yeah, I’m almost starting to believe everything is going to be OK between Leo and me. A small part of me will continue waiting for the bubble to burst, out of habit rather than any real fear, but until or unless it does, I’m revelling in this feeling of confidence in him, of peace. He’s too steadfast for me to feel otherwise, loves me too openly and consistently for me to worry as much about pedestals and unrealistic expectations anymore.
How can being loved be this easy and uncomplicated? I don’t know, but I’m not going to poke holes in it, or let my suspicious brain ruin things.
Nor am I going to waste any energy feeling guilty about not finishing off the unpacking and personal admin today. Mum, Em, Liaden, and I are going out for lunch, and then we’re going on our very first shopping outing for stuff for the baby; hopefully one of many. I did a little online window shopping, and there’s a beautiful crib available at a local mother and baby store that I’ve got my heart set on. Plus, now that I’m into my second trimester, I feel safe enough to start getting excited and spending money.
So it’s easy to feel lighthearted and happy in Rozafa, the Greek restaurant in the high street, with my mother and my closest girlfriends, eating thickly stuffed dolmades and the most flavoursome souvlaki, and thinking blissfully of the baklava platter I am definitely going to have for dessert. Better still, Mum has really started to emerge from her shell recently, and it’s nice to finally see her as a friend rather than as the silent half of a permanently disapproving duo. The conversation between her and my girls certainly flows well, but with Em being a permanent sweetheart and Liaden able to carry on a conversation with a wooden stool if it comes to it, that was a guarantee. They call her Cathy and treat her like one of us, and it means a lot to me.
“So, can I please start buying books for your little one?” Em asks me with a little bounce in her seat.
“Oh, yes, you must read to them every night.” Mum looks animated. “I used to read to you and the boys, two, three stories every bedtime. You all loved it, and it was my favourite time of day.” She looks wistful as she thinks back. I’m glad she has some nice memories of her old life.
“For sure,” I agree, “storytime will be sacrosanct. But you know what I’m going to say, right?”
“If we must insist on getting them Harry Potter,” Liaden begins, and all four of us finish in unison, “second hand only.”
“What else are we shopping for?” Mum asks.
“Well,” I say, toying with my glass, “I saw a crib that I definitely want to get. It’s beautiful - it’s cream coloured, and it has the prettiest flower carvings in the wood.” I put my hand to my chest, sighing comically. “It’s calling to me.”
“Would you like me to buy that for you?” The look in my mother’s eyes says to me that this is more than just a kind offer; it’s her way of trying to make up for all the times she said nothing during one of Dad’s tirades, all the times she backed him up instead of trying to see things from my point of view, or Tim’s, or even Jacob’s… It’s a way for her to say she’s sorry.
I squeeze her hand. “That’s sweet, but no, thank you. I want to buy this with my money. I’m not even going to let Leo chip in. It sounds weird, but…I don’t know, once my baby isn’t sleeping inside me , I want to get them the thing they sleep in after they’re born.”
“Aww,” Em coos.
“Yeah, shit, that was sappy,” I remark with a little shudder. “I’m such a drip these days, it’s like a sickness.”
Mum sighs. “Your baby’s first word is going to be ‘shit’, isn’t it?” She sounds resigned, but she’s got a hint of a smile. I guess she really is embracing who I am now, rather than who Dad wanted me to be.
I scoff. “Are you kidding? With Leo as a father and Gary spewing obscenities all the time, it’s gonna be something way better than that.”
“I dunno so much,” Liaden remarks. “My money is on ‘motherfuckety what ’.” She does a creditable impression of me, and I flip her the finger with a smile.
“Cathy,” Liaden calls to my mother, “come have a look at this!” It makes me smile to watch Mum light up as she hurries over. I wonder how much social time she’s had over the past few years, and if any of it didn’t include Dad.
We’re all spread out in Womb and Board , an independent mama and baby shop close to the sea front. It’s full to the rafters with everything from baby clothes to bottles to toys and books and furniture, literally everything you can think of, and all of it is sustainable and ethically sourced. I’ve been speaking to the owner, Stacy, and her wife, Lana, for the last twenty minutes, discussing how they set the business up, and we’re getting on like we’ve known each other ages. Their values align with mine so completely that I can’t think of a business I’d rather support than theirs.
I know where the crib is. I scanned the room for it as soon as we arrived, and there it is, by a bookshelf, surrounded by some other cots. I now know from Stacy that it’s reclaimed wood, and that she carved the floral motif herself before Lana painted it, which makes it even more special. I snap a photo and text it to Leo, and his response is immediate:
Leo: Buy the living shit out of that, Leona/Leopold Junior needs it [heart eyes emoji]
I laugh quietly.
Em, Liaden, and Mum come and show me all of the many things they’ve picked out as absolute must-haves: cute canvas baby Converse, a yellow duck hoodie with an orange beak, adorable stuffed monsters with odd shapes and odd numbers of eyes, the works. I can’t quite stretch to everything if I’m being responsible, but I’m definitely going to have a splurge. Isn’t “it’s for the baby” the best get-out-of-jail-free card life has to offer an expectant parent? Might as well make the most of it.
Lana hangs a red ‘sold’ label on the corner of the crib with string, and the excitement I feel when I hand my credit card over is unmatched. I’ve gone for the duck outfit, a couple of glass baby bottles, and a blue knitted monster with three eyes and lime green antennae that I just couldn’t resist. That’ll do for starters.
I’m just laughing at Mum’s puzzled face as she looks at the monster, when Stacy coughs awkwardly.
“I’m so sorry, your card has been declined.” She looks guilty for embarrassing me. “Do you have another one I can try?”
I frown. “That’s impossible. I just got paid. Can you try it again?”
She bites her lip. “I already tried twice. I’m so sorry about this.”
I sigh. “It’s not your fault. The bank probably screwed something up. Hold on just a minute…” I pass over my debit card. That’s not really a hit I wanted to take on my current account, but I can cover this, and I’ll work something out later. Maybe move some money from my Premium Bonds account to make the month a little more comfortable. I don’t have much in there, but at least it’s instant access.
Stacy winces. “I’m sorry, this one has been declined, too. It might be our machine…” She’s just being nice. From the look on her face, there’s no way it’s a fault on her end.
That’s when I start to worry. “Hold up.” I whip out my phone and sign into my banking app.
When it loads, my blood runs cold and my stomach jumps straight to my throat.
It tells me I’m so far overdrawn it’s not even funny, and that my credit card is completely maxed out.
The same credit card I hardly ever use.
The same bank account that should have the lower end of four figures in it because I make a point to stay the hell out of the red.
“What the fuck,” I croak, feeling the colour drain from my face.
“What’s the matter?” Mum asks, concerned, and I show her my screen wordlessly. Her eyes widen. “What the hell? How did that happen?”
“I don’t know…” My head feels like a TV not tuned into the right channel, all sputtery and vague. “I never use that card, and… Oh, shit …”
Someone cleaned me out.
More than that, they’ve left me in debt as well.
And I don’t have anywhere near enough in my Premium Bonds to cover it. I don’t have enough in there to get me through all my bills for the month.
Mum and Liaden both slap their own debit cards down on the counter, and then Liaden concedes to my mother. I want to tell her not to, because these purchases feel tainted and ruined now and I can’t bear to look at them, but I can’t speak.
“Call your bank,” Em tells me, rubbing my back slowly. “There’s been some kind of mistake, and I’m sure they’ll sort it.”
“They’ll freeze your account and pay you back for everything you’ve lost.” Liaden puts both her hands on my shoulders and shakes them slightly to get my attention, and I look up into her calm, reassuring dark blue eyes. “This is an inconvenience, not a disaster. Everything’s going to be OK.”
“Of course it will,” Mum agrees, putting her arm around my shoulders and handing me the brown paper bag. “Now, let’s arrange delivery for that lovely crib first, and then we’ll get everything cleared up.”
I let myself be led along by them all, taking a deep breath and giving Stacy my details on autopilot.
It’s not an admin error.
After spending forty five nerve-chewing minutes on the phone to my bank, I finally get through to someone who, allegedly, isn’t a robot. And it appears Sadie Stewart made a number of online purchases on both cards, including a lot on various online gambling websites.
“Why on earth didn’t they send text messages when you started getting overdrawn?” Mum asks when I finally hang up and walk back into Em’s lounge. Em and Eli’s flat was closest, and I wanted to get somewhere private to sort this out as fast as I could. Liaden tells Mum who my account is with, and immediate understanding dawns. “Oh.”
“I switched to them when they had a good incentive, and until now, I never had any problem with them,” I snap defensively. But I know full well I should have switched again to a better bank ages ago. Just one more thing I never got around to.
“Perfectly understandable,” Em says soothingly, always the placater.
I drop into the sofa and rake both hands through my hair. How many times this year has the thought, how could I let this happen , crossed my beleaguered mind? Why is the ground under my feet always shifting and jolting? I’ve had enough. I can’t take it. “And I know. I know their app is useless garbage,” I sigh, utterly defeated. “It’s so basic that it doesn’t send you any alerts, you have to check it to know what’s going on. And I only look at it sporadically, and the last time I did, there was nothing out of the ordinary, nothing whatever.”
“When was that?” Mum asks.
“Last week sometime.” I remind myself not to lash out at her by getting all prickly. She’s asking reasonable questions, she’s not telling me off, and she’s not saying any of this to make me feel stupid. “God, this is the last thing I need…” I touch my bump, rubbing it in circles as if in apology to the baby.
“Yes, you definitely don’t need this stress,” Mum agrees. “I know it’s easier said than done, but try to stay calm. For the baby, if not for yourself.”
I close my eyes and count to ten and hold onto my temper by my fingernails.
“So, what are the next steps?” Liaden asks, going into practicality mode.
I take a deep, shaky breath. “Well, my cards have been cancelled, and they’ve refunded my disputed payments pending an investigation, but if they can’t find anything that suggests my identity has been stolen, I think they’ll take it back.” An angry tear inches down my face, and I wipe it away impatiently. Mum leans forward and rubs my knee sympathetically. “Thank you…for paying for everything. I promise I’ll reimburse you.”
“Don’t even think about that right now,” she says kindly, a world away from the parent who, just months ago, would have told me how careless I was to allow this to happen and lectured me for an hour on better financial security. More than ever, I want to punch my father for smothering so much of her personality under his own, and for being such a relentless bully.
“Thank you,” I reply, staring at the ceiling and taking some steadying breaths to stave off another crying jag. “They said to report it to the police, so I’m going to check my credit rating and then do exactly that.”
There’s further bad news when I use a website to check it. To say my credit rating is in the toilet is being diplomatic. Even the ever stoical Liaden gasps at the number.
“How can it be that bad?!” I cry, wanting more than anything to feel Leo’s arms around me, but I also know exactly what will happen there, and I don’t want it. I know he’ll immediately drop a shit ton of money in my account, pay all my debts, and probably add giving me a pay rise on top. And I get that his first instinct would be to help, to take all my troubles away, but I don’t want to add that on top of everything else we’re dealing with. I don’t want to be beholden to him for a damn thing, because that’s just who I am. I pay my own way in this life. I work hard for my money. I’m nobody’s financial burden.
Until now.
And that’s the thought that finally lets the sob that’s been building burst free, and I cry helplessly with three sets of arms around me.