14. Chapter 14
Chapter 14
Rina
I sent a text to Tyler, letting him know I wasn’t feeling well and needed to leave.
He responded asking if there was anything I needed to let him know.
Unless he can replace all my memories with Arlo, there isn’t a lot anyone can do. The drive home exhausted me, and by the time I got there, I collapsed on my bed and slept for hours.
Waking up, I feel like I’m currently experiencing the worst hangover of my life. I have the worst migraine, and my mouth is dry as hell. This is why I don’t like to cry. Rolling over, I groan as the events from last night slam back into my brain.
I went on a date. Then I fucked Arlo, who was absolutely not my date. And in public, where anyone could have seen.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I don’t have an answer, but I probably should take a long, hard look at my decision-making process lately. Because this cannot continue. My head and heart are a mess around Arlo, and I need to figure out why. I’ve hated him for far longer than I was with him, so I don’t understand why I keep going back to him, even if it is just sex.
It’s not just sex.
Shut up. I don’t need to think about that at the moment .
Sitting up, I figure a shower might be just enough to help my migraine and clear my head so I can really figure things out.
Stripping out of my jeans and blouse that I slept in last night, I cringe at wearing outside clothes in my bed yet again, so it’ll be a laundry day again because that’s just gross.
I walk to the bathroom and turn the water as hot as I can stand it before waiting for it to fully heat up.
Why can’t I stay away from that infuriating man? I turn to look at myself in the mirror. I look like the same person I’ve been for the last decade, but somehow, I look hollow. Ever since Lennox and Willow landed in the hospital, I feel out of control. Vulnerability hit hard in the hospital, and I let the comfort of Arlo hold me together.
And it snowballed from there.
I’ve been shoving my emotions down since my parents died, and apparently, my head and heart decided it was time to let them all start coming out. It tells me that I need to actually deal with shit in my life instead of acting like I’m unaffected by it all.
My normal bright blue eyes stare back at me, duller than I remember, and I know I need to face my demons in order to figure out what I really want in my life. Having my business is wonderful, no doubt there, but is that all I want?
The dream was always to find the love of my life. I never thought much past that, but once Arlo and I got together, I thought life would be perfect.
I gave up on that dream after I signed the divorce papers and never looked back. But seeing Ledger and Willow find their significant others has my mind reeling with longing. A longing I thought I was well and truly over .
Maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time separating myself from Arlo again.
I shake my head and move to the scalding shower. It feels like a cleansing of sorts.
Maybe I just need to suck it up and go talk to Arlo. Truly hear him out, say my peace, and be done with it all. Avoidance clearly isn’t working for me, so hopefully this will.
Decision made. I stay in the shower long after I wash up and until the water turns cold. The blast of freezing water centers me and hardens my resolve.
I’ll go after family dinner tomorrow at Lennox’s cabin. Today, I want to attempt to finally get ahead on some commissions.
I technically don’t have anything scheduled and I was supposed to take off this weekend since I finally finished that daybed, but getting ahead and occupying my mind sounds like a much better idea.
Dressing in my usual uniform of worn-out leggings and a long-sleeved shirt, I don my steel-toed boots and head to my barn.
Family dinner at Lennox’s cabin is upon us.
It feels like a huge milestone for Lennox, even if he is reluctantly hosting to make us less worried about him. Judging by the line of cars, I’m the last one here today. I grab the craft beer I picked up in Rosedale the other day and head inside .
“Knock, knock!” I call out.
“Out back!” Ledger yells from the sliders at the back of the house.
It’s a cooler day now that Texas’s version of fall has entered the picture, so hanging out on the back deck sounds perfect.
“Good evening, family,” I greet everyone. Ainsley and Willow stand up and rush to me with hugs. I’m not the most touchy-feely of people, but I’ll always accept hugs from these two. Ainsley started dating Ledger, and I might have interfered, but I knew the second I showed up at her house uninvited that we would be friends for life. Having her as almost a sister-in-law at this point is the cherry on top of the sundae.
“You’ve been working too hard. I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks,” Ainsley faux scolds.
“I know. I have been, but I finally caught up, so hopefully, we can get back to our weekly lunch dates,” I say.
“Good.”
I disengage from the girls and head toward Lennox, who is sitting quietly in a rocking chair I built for him when he moved in.
“Got some fancy beer. Want one?” I ask as I sit next to him.
“Sure, thanks.”
I inspect him, and he looks pretty good. The overgrown beard is starting to look rough, but he’s looking pretty healthy. A change from the first couple of weeks he was home.
We both crack our beers as the surrounding conversation continues. I catch snippets of conversation but don’t really have anything to add. I’ve been disconnected from everyone except Arlo lately, it seems.
“How are you?” Lennox asks quietly.
I sigh. “I’m … unsettled,” I finally say.
“Unsettled? ”
“A lot has happened recently, as you know.” I look over at him with a smile. “And it’s made me think about a lot of things.”
He nods but doesn’t say anything.
We both silently watch Willow and Oakley hugging as he whispers in her ear. Ainsley hugs Ledger from behind as he cooks burgers on the grill, with the most content smile on her face.
“Do you think it’s possible to be that happy?” I ask Lennox quietly.
“For you? Totally. For me?” He pauses, thinking. “I’m not so sure. Maybe I’ll always be this fucked up, and then I can’t see a happy ending happening.”
My heart cracks in two, but I also have no clue what to say to make any of this better. I can only assume the events with Tennison are still very fresh for him. Nothing I say will make any of that better right now. But I try anyway because that’s what our family does.
“You may not see it now, but in time, things won’t look so bleak. If anyone can be that happy, it’s you, Lenny.”
He reaches over and grabs my hand, squeezing it as I look down and see the pink scars on his hand. I flip my hand over and squeeze his back. It’s a sort of promise that we’ll make it through this hard time. That we’ll be there for each other through it all, no matter what it takes.
“Love you, Rina,” he says softly.
“Love you too, Lenny.”
“Let’s eat!” Ledger’s powerful voice interrupts our moment as he sets a plate of burgers down on the table. Someone already put all the fixings on the table, so now all we have left is to eat.
We gather around the outdoor table and start making our plates before we go around in our usual routine .
“Okay, this week, my favorite thing was planning our vacation for this summer,” Ledger says.
“Rude. Way to steal it.” Ainsley rolls her eyes. “My favorite thing was seeing the forest behind the house start to change colors.”
“My favorite thing this week was Oakley and me agreeing to move in together,” Willow says with the biggest smile on her face.
“Oh my god! Congrats, you guys!” I clap my hands with sheer excitement for them.
The rounds of congratulations last a couple of minutes before we all settle back down.
“Mine’s that too. I don’t care if it’s supposed to be different.” Oakley chuckles, and we all join him in laughter.
“I think we can let it slide this time,” Ledger says.
“My favorite thing this week is this family dinner. Sorry I’ve been absent for a hot minute,” Lennox cuts in and attempts to joke.
We all sit frozen, not sure how to respond, when Oakley steps in. God bless Oakley. He seems to be the only one who understands how Lennox is feeling at the moment.
“We’re just glad you’re feeling up to it. No need to apologize.”
Lennox bows his head in thanks before all eyes turn to me.
“Umm, my favorite thing about this week is…” I draw out the last word because the first thing that popped into my head was fucking Arlo and lord knows I can’t say that. “Finishing up some projects and actually being ahead for a change,” I throw out once I push all thoughts of Arlo down.
“Kicking ass as always, Rina,” Ledger says .
I smile at him, but I know it doesn’t reach my eyes. That’s all I seem to do: work, kick ass, repeat. It’s more prevalent after my self-reflection earlier than ever before.
The rest of dinner is the usual combination of talking over each other, learning what new gossip is floating around town, and just spending time with each other.
Before I know it, dinner is done and I’m in my truck, driving to Arlo’s house.
Parking on the street a little further down where Sal’s is, I climb out of my truck and walk up to his front door. My phone buzzes in my back pocket, and I pull it out before knocking on his door.
Unknown:
You looked gorgeous the other night, in that maroon top. Maybe you can wear it with a skirt sometime.
What the fuck? I’m staring at my phone, both confused and creeped out.
“Rina?” Arlo’s voice scares the hell out of me. I startle with my hand on my chest and almost drop my phone.
“Arlo. Hey. Hi.” My racing heart is having a hard time catching up with seeing Arlo, even though it’s why I came over here. The cryptic text is completely throwing me off.
“Umm, do you want to come in?” he asks, clearly confused, and why wouldn’t he be? The last time we talked, I screamed at him, yet again, and left things worse off than before.
“Yes, please.” I step in as he ushers me in, and I take a minute to look around his house. I’ve never been here, obviously, and I’m suddenly desperate for insight into who he is now .
I guess I was expecting something more, but his house—although nice—is barren. Only the basics of a couch and a television fill the living room.
“Take a seat. Can I get you something to drink? Water? That’s all I really have,” he says shyly. It would be adorable if I weren’t here to crack my heart open.
“I’m good, thanks.”
“Okay. So, what brings you here?” he asks out of pure curiosity, and I would feel the same. I’ve yelled at him more than I’ve talked, so what expectation does he have that it’s changed?
“I wanted to clear the air.” I hold my breath and wait for his response.
His brows furrow, and he looks torn. “Okay.”
“I want to let go of this anger. I don’t think I can ever be anything more than a friend or acquaintance to you, but I want to at least have closure.” There, quick and to the point.
I stare at him, strong and unflinching. I have no illusions about this being an easy conversation or that it’ll magically heal every single wound he’s made, but it’s a start and that’s all I can ask for.
He looks sad and accepting, all at the same time.
“Where should I start?” he says softly as he sits on the opposite edge of the couch.
“From the beginning. Things were going so well…” I trail off.
“Things were going well. And the first few major missions after basic were eye-opening. We lost good people, and I saw firsthand what the possibilities were for the loved ones of those that choose to put their lives on the line every single day.
“The mission right before … everything happened, I lost one of my best friends on my team. I called his widow, and it all crashed into me. It wasn’t the life I wanted for you, for us. I knew that I wanted you to have everything in your life, and a dead husband wasn’t in those plans.”
“So, you made a unilateral decision for your wife instead of just talking to me? It’s not like I didn’t know what I signed up for,” I say, exasperated.
“I know that now. But at the time, it seemed like the best thing to do. I just wanted what was best for you.”
“ You were what was best for me! How didn’t you see that?” I try to lower my volume, but it’s hard. Logically, I see where his head was at, but I don’t understand why he couldn’t just talk to me instead of thinking this was the best move.
“I just didn’t,” he says with his head bowed.
“And what happened when my parents died? You just doubled down and decided I was fine without you, so why would I need any type of support.” My tone is bitter. I can hear it, but I can’t soften it to save my life. The old hurt is flooding my veins, and I’m unprepared for how painful it is all over again.
“Rina, it’s one of my biggest regrets not being there for you when you lost them. I was lost in my own shit, and I know that’s not an excuse, but at the time, it was all I had. I wish I had done things differently.”
“You’ve had fifteen years to make things right. If you really regretted it so much, why didn’t you even try to talk to me?” I ask, hurt seeping into every word.
“I did!” He jolts up at my question and yells his response. “I did, and every single time I tried to talk to you, you either ignored me or wouldn’t hear me out. And I’m not blaming you; if the roles were reversed, I don’t think I would have heard me out either.”
I think about his words, and he’s right. I haven’t let him tell me anything since he’s been back. I just couldn’t. It was too hard. I think about everything he told me, and although it doesn’t change the way I feel about how he handled things, having answers is a bit of closure I didn’t think I needed.
The one thing that still bothers me is why he came back here. He was supposed to be a career Marine, and five years in, he shows up here like nothing happened.
“What happened to make you come back here?” I impulsively ask. This isn’t something he owes me an explanation to, but it’s something I’ve wondered about more times than I’ll admit to anyone.
He heaves a sigh before he settles his elbows on his knees, with his head in his hands.
“It was supposed to be a straightforward mission. Get in, get out, come back home with the newly freed hostage, and everyone would cheer us as American heroes. Not that I gave a shit about that. I can’t tell you where we were, but I can tell you we were rappelling from a helicopter when things took a turn.” He sits stock still for a second, and I have the strongest urge to comfort him. To hold him and let him know I was an asshole for even asking. The pain is still so prevalent in his voice it makes me think he’s never dealt with this, or hell, even talked about it.
“The helo was under attack before we realized what was happening. They swung around to avoid being hit, and while it was mostly fine since everyone else on the team was already on the ground, I was still on the rope, rappelling down.”
I gasp in shock.
“I was smashed into a tree where it shattered my hip, then I rolled as the chopper shifted again and smashed my back too.”
I don’t realize I’m crying until Arlo shifts on the couch and tentatively puts an arm around me. All I can think about is the scar on his hip that I saw not long ago. Where I once thought it was some funny or crazy story, the truth is a million times more heartbreaking. I wasn’t prepared to hear how hurt he was.
I wasn’t prepared for it to bring up all these protective feelings for him.