16. Chapter 16
Chapter 16
Rina
When I wake up, Arlo is gone. It’s as much a relief as it is crushingly disappointing. I know I told him it was a one-time thing, but damn if I wish it could be more, no matter how illogical that is.
I’m still not sure how to react to all the information he told me last night. Answers I’ve always craved suddenly don’t feel like closure. Instead, I just feel heartbroken that he went through so much with nobody by his side. I’m starting to regret the anger I’ve held onto for so many years.
I stretch out before slowly getting out of bed to start my day. I pull the blanket from the side Arlo slept on, and a smile blooms on my face. He remembered. I have a lot of quirks, none of which are particularly interesting, but the fact that he remembered something so mundane has my ice-cold heart thawing ever so slightly.
I toss it in the washing machine as an erratic pounding on my door starts.
I practically sprint to it and find it locked, which is not something I do. Sheriff Arlo would absolutely lock my damn door, though. He just can’t help himself, apparently.
I rip the door open to find Ainsley standing there with her fist up.
“Why the hell is your door locked?” She tilts her head .
“Must have blacked out.” I move aside to let her in.
“Did you forget?”
“Forget what?” I ask as I walk to the kitchen and start a big-ass pot of coffee.
“That we were supposed to go hang out at Sal’s and talk shit about what crazy new rumors have popped up this weekend?” She eyes me up and down, and I realize I’m still in my underwear and oversized shirt I slept in. It’s not like I care. We’ve had girls’ nights, but I’ve never actually forgotten a get-together with Ainsley before.
The asshole Arlo makes me lose my damn head. Damnit, I don’t even know if I can call him an asshole anymore. Not after what he’s been through.
“I’m sorry. I…” I am trying my very hardest to come up with an explanation that doesn’t involve the name Arlo. “I came back after family dinner and went to work. Lost track of time and slept through my alarm.”
She arches an eyebrow and crosses her arms. “You better go get some clothes on. I’ll pour the coffee. I feel like we have a lot to talk about.” She turns without a word and grabs two coffee mugs from my cabinet.
Shit , I forget sometimes that I can’t bullshit Ainsley like I can everyone else. I kind of forced my friendship on her when she came back to town, and while she’s my best friend, I have undeniably kept a lot of secrets from her. I spin around on my heel and book it to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me and taking a deep breath.
If I want to keep everything that’s happened recently with Arlo a secret, I need to be way more convincing than I just was. But I also think about the possibility of talking about everything .
Ainsley grew up here, sure, but she kept to herself in high school and then left immediately. She’s as much of an outsider as you get in Bluebell Falls and might have a perspective I’ve been too blinded by anger to see.
I contemplate my options as I change into my standard uniform of black leggings and a razorback tank top, this one forest green. I decide that if I really want to move on, I need to talk things out. I’m not so sure I’ve ever had a clear head when thinking about anything involving Arlo.
Opening my door, I plaster a smile on my face.
“Oh, stop. Don’t fake smile around me. It’s just insulting.” She shakes her head with a smirk.
I sigh as I collapse onto the couch next to her and pick up the coffee she made me. The fortifying sip gives me the boost I need to open up.
“You’re right, sorry.”
“What’s going on? You’re usually the one pounding on my door for our morning girl time,” she says with nothing but concern.
“You have to promise that none of this leaves this room. Ledger can’t know; Bluebell Falls can’t find out, okay?” I know Ainsley, and she would never gossip or tell my business to anyone, but this is huge and would be a shockwave throughout our small town.
“Oh shit, this is serious.” She puts her mug down and shifts her left leg under her right as she turns to me. “It doesn’t leave this room, I promise.”
“God, I don’t even know where to start.” Understatement of the century. Between our past and our recent hook-ups, there is no easy place to start explaining things. “Arlo and I … have a complicated history.”
“I fucking knew it!” Ainsley yells with a fist pump. “Sorry, sorry. That was rude. Carry on.”
I snort at her reaction. “What gave it away? ”
“You hate him just a little too hard for there not to be something going on there, sorry.” She cringes, but I love her honesty. It’s exactly why talking this out with her might help my very scrambled brain.
“No need to apologize. This is a long-ass story, so bear with me.” She nods, and I proceed to tell her about our whirlwind romance when we were barely out of high school. How we had this grand plan for our life together, and then I drop the biggest bombshell of it all. “And then we got married.”
She stares at me blankly as the confession finally sinks in. “What the fuck? You married Arlo? How did I not know this?”
“No one knows. We kept the whole thing a secret. Back then, he and Ledger were best friends, and Arlo was scared of his reaction. Arlo was going to basic, and our plan was to figure out the military life thing before telling our families.”
“Holy shit,” she whispers.
My phone pings, but I ignore it.
I chuckle. “Oh, it gets worse.” I tell her how he had to almost immediately leave for a deployment or a mission and how it changed things for him. “I didn’t know any of this until last night. He blindsided me with divorce papers, and I never knew why.” I explain his reasoning ,and although saying it out loud makes my heart hurt for him all over again, my anger is simmering just below the surface still.
“That’s so tough. Not going to lie, I completely understand the animosity toward him now. Did hearing his explanation help at all?” she very astutely asks.
“Yes. No.” I sigh. “I’m not sure, honestly. I feel for him and everything he went through, but I still don’t really understand why I wasn’t enough, you know? Why couldn’t he just talk to me about his concerns and fears, and let us work through things together?” It’s the biggest question I still have. I would have run through fire to help him, to be there for him, and I just can’t comprehend how his head went to divorce so easily.
“I’m going to look at this objectively. You were both extremely young, right? Both had huge changes happening. Maybe he thought it was his only option. No one would claim that twenty-year-olds make great decisions. That’s not excusing his behavior, but I think it explains more about why he made such a shit choice.”
I choke out a laugh because she has a valid point. “I think the reason I couldn’t—and still can’t—fully forgive him is because he did it two weeks after my parents died. I needed him more than ever, and instead, he just threw everything we had away.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Absolutely,” I say.
“Do you want to forgive him? Is that something you are even interested in?”
I try to find the answer, but I’m no closer than I was when I knocked on Arlo’s door last night.
“I’m not entirely sure. I want to move past the anger, move past hating him, but I don’t know that it includes forgiveness.”
“I can understand that. What happened recently that allowed you both to talk about things and get to this point?”
My fucking phone pings again, and I turn the ringer off without even looking at it.
I almost completely forgot about all the events of the last few weeks. “Well, when Lennox was in the hospital, I snuck off to just … feel it all. I needed to break down, and I didn’t want to do it in front of you all because you needed the strength. Arlo followed me, comforted me, and I forgot about all the reasons why being together was a bad idea.” I go on to explain the kiss and subsequent hook-ups, and I internally cringe at how quickly I fell back into his arms.
“There’s a lot to unpack there. First, why did you think you needed to hide from us? Everyone was crushed when Lennox was in the hospital. You should feel comfortable leaning on your family when you need support too. It’s not all on you and Ledger to hold strong in every shitty scenario.”
“I have a feeling you’ve given Ledger the same lecture.” I chuckle.
“You’d be right. It was hard for him, seeing Lennox in the hospital. He took it really hard but hid it from everyone. I swear, you elder Huttons are too damn stubborn for your own good.” She rolls her eyes. “Now, back to you. How did being with him again feel?”
I sit back against the arm of the couch and think about her question. The first word that comes to mind is safe, and it sends my mind reeling.
“What did you think just now?” Ainsley asks.
“That it felt safe. I felt safe to just be, to feel.” Pressure in the back of my eyes tells me I’m dangerously close to full-blown tears, but I need to talk this out.
“I feel that’s more telling than anything else you’ve said. You still feel safe with Arlo, even if you wish you didn’t.”
I contemplate her words, and she’s not wrong.
“Then what do I do?” I whisper.
“Do you feel like it’s possible to forgive him, truly forgive him, and move forward? I’m not saying this needs to happen now or even this year, but in the future, do you think you can forgive him?”
My thumb scratches the seam on my leggings, and I chew on my bottom lip, thinking about her question .
“I feel like I can forgive him eventually, but I’m not sure I can move forward as anything more than friends. It feels too easy to fall right back into his orbit, and that scares me more than anything,” I finally admit.
“And that’s perfectly okay. You don’t owe him anything more than you can give him willingly. Take things slow and make sure you are open with Arlo about your expectations between the two of you. You’re allowed to be scared, but I think you owe it to yourself to be completely honest with how you feel about him and what you want for your future.” She reaches over and grabs my hand, squeezing it in support. I am so thankful she came back to Bluebell Falls and joined our family.
“Thank you,” I say softly, “for helping me talk through all of this.”
“Oh, Rina, you know I’m always here for you. We should come up with a secret code if you need to talk about things in the future, though. Ledger would shit a brick if he accidentally saw a text involving anything Arlo and you related,” she says, breaking the seriousness of our conversation.
I burst out laughing. “You have a point.”
She rubs her hands together, eager to come up with a secret spy name, I’m sure.
“What about Operation Tight Jeans?”
I laugh so hard I have tears streaming down my cheeks. “What the hell?” I wheeze out.
“What? He always wears those tight jeans. I may be with Ledger, but I’m not fucking blind, girl.” She giggles.
“We cannot name it that. Oh my God.” I clutch my chest, trying to catch my breath.
“Fine,” she huffs. “What about … a-a code like, ‘I need to talk about the bed I’m making.’ Get it? It’s like a double meaning, making your bed and lying in it, but you’re also sleeping with him.” She looks so pleased with herself I almost don’t have the heart to nix it.
“What about, ‘I need girl chat’? Straight and to the point and not something Ledger will question.”
“I still like the bed one, but fine. It’s your code anyway,” she grumbles.
“Well, thank you for allowing me to pick my own special code word so that we can talk about Arlo behind my brother’s back.”
“Anytime! I wonder if this is how Oakley felt being all secret spy agent,” she ponders seriously.
“I doubt it, but I still love you,” I tell her through my laughter.
“Buzzkill. Let me have this,” she says in faux indignation. “On that note, I need to get back to the office. We’re supposed to have a meeting with all our contractors, and Ledger is making me lead it.”
“The joys of working together.” I stand up with her and give her a crushing hug. “Seriously, thank you. I needed this more than you know.”
“Anytime, and keep me updated!” She heads to the front door and throws a wave over her head.
I plop back down on the couch. Ainsley gave me a lot to think about. It’s only once I grab my phone to check my schedule for the day that I see the multiple texts that came during our conversation.
Unknown:
You shouldn’t be sleeping with men that aren’t me.
Unknown:
Ignore me all you want. One day, you won’t be able to just ignore a message that comes through .
My face drains at the messages. I have no clue what this person is playing at, but I need to be cautious. Ignoring the messages is probably the best course of action, but I need to keep an eye out if it escalates. If it gets more serious, I’ll have to go to Arlo.