Chapter 4
Farrah
My stomach cramps from how hard I’m laughing. Gwen and Gia aren’t faring any better than I am. We’re probably pissing everyone off at the Chateau, but I couldn’t care less. It’s the lightest I’ve felt since that disastrous meeting with Knox.
I still can’t believe I ran away like a scared little mouse. I thought I’d kicked that habit, but the second Knox’s face grew thunderous, my body shut down. It was all I could do to get out of there without breaking down in front of him. The only thing keeping me on my feet was sheer stubbornness.
I hate that my instinct is to flee, but it saved my life before. I refuse to see it as being a coward because without it, I’d probably be dead by now.
So sitting at this table with my two best friends, laughing my ass off, is a blessing I won’t ever take for granted.
I love these two crazy women. Gia’s been telling us ridiculous stories about her college days, and Gwen and I have been cracking up at every detail.
Gia’s life sounds like it’s been one big adventure.
I still have a hard time understanding why she’d move to Pine Creek Falls, where cows outnumber the citizens.
I’d think she’d want to live somewhere with constant excitement, but every time I see her, she seems more settled than the last. I’m sure Holt has something to do with it.
She’s found a man she can rely on. I can’t imagine how reassuring that must be.
I’m not sure I can trust a man again. Between my alcoholic father and…my ex…I doubt I’ll ever be comfortable around a man.
I do my best to give them the benefit of the doubt, like Holt and even Knox—when he’s not being an asshole. But after the things I’ve survived, I’m not sure I’ll feel safe enough to put myself in that kind of position again.
“Okay, enough about me,” Gia says, holding up her glass of red wine. “Tonight, we’re here to celebrate Farrah being an absolute badass and getting into her master’s program and being awarded a full-ride scholarship. I am in awe of you, friend.”
“To Farrah,” Gwen cheers.
My face flames at their attention. I accidentally let it slip that I’m starting an online master’s program in the fall. Gia and Gwen insisted on going out to celebrate. “You guys are silly. It’s not that big a deal.”
Gwen scoffs at me. “Farrah, it’s a huge deal. Getting into such an excellent program is incredible on its own. Add in that you’re also getting a scholarship to attend, and we’re seriously blown away.”
“No joke, I’m a little in awe of you,” Gia says. “I barely made it through my undergrad. I can’t imagine going back to school while working full-time.”
I shrug. “If I want to stop working two jobs, I need to go to school.”
“It’s fucking dumb that we don’t pay the people who are literally shaping our next generation more.” Gia huffs out an annoyed sound that makes me grin at her. She’s such a warrior for the right causes. I love that about her. She’s strong and doesn’t put up with any kind of bullcrap.
“Let’s change the subject before Gia goes off on another tirade about how shitty we treat the best people,” Gwen teases.
“Yes, please. This is a celebration, not a bitch session. Although we are more than due for one of those.”
I nod. “I could definitely go for a whine night. I still haven’t told you about how I made an ass of myself in front of Knox at the parent-teacher conference.”
“Fuck whine night,” Gia argues. “Tell us right now.”
“I have not had enough alcohol for this, but here goes.” I detail everything, from him showing up half an hour late to him looking like a mess. Then I tell them how I made the mistake of sharing my concern about how empathetic Finn is and the ensuing angry lecture I received in response.
“I realized too late that I was making it sound like I thought Knox would be the one to hurt Finn. He’s a grumpy jerk, but I don’t truly believe he treats Finn the same way he treats me.
I am genuinely worried about how strongly Finn experiences his emotions, but I shouldn’t have said anything about it at all.
I should’ve stuck to his education and left it at that.
My big mouth opened because Knox and I were getting along for the first time, and then I went and ruined it. ”
“Oh, honey.” Gwen reaches over to grab my hand.
“Your heart was in the right place. Knox is… I’m not even sure how to describe him accurately.
I don’t know him well—no one really does, except for Holt.
What I do know is that he’s struggled with people questioning his ability to be a father since Finn was born.
The whole town knows he had a rough upbringing, so I’m guessing you hit a sore spot and he responded badly. ”
“Ugh. That makes me feel worse. I owe him a massive apology now.”
“I think he also owes you one after everything he’s said to you, not just at parent-teacher night,” Gia points out.
“You’re not the only one in the wrong here, Farrah.
He’s an ass to you every time you’re around each other.
I don’t blame you for pointing out that Finn is the complete opposite of him. ”
“Gia’s right,” Gwen says. “Knox has said more shitty things to you than you’ve said in return, so if he got triggered by your concern, then he needs to work that out on his own. You don’t deserve to get yelled at, no matter what you say.”
My friends have a point. I took the blame immediately for something that’s not entirely my fault, falling back on those same patterns that had me sprinting out of my own classroom.
While I shouldn’t have worded my thoughts the way I did—it was insensitive to Knox, and I can understand why he’d take it that way—I didn’t deserve to be yelled at.
I haven’t deserved any of the things Knox has said to me over the school year.
I’d rather not get into the whys of my inability to properly stand up for myself, so I change the subject. “How are your riding lessons going?” I ask Gia.
She rode a horse for the first time a few weeks ago. I nearly peed my pants at her description of the event. To say it took her a minute to figure out would be putting it mildly. Since then, she’s been getting regular lessons when they’re able to go out to Holt’s parents’ farm.
After the subject change, our dinner goes by in a flash, like it does every time I hang out with these two.
We laugh until our cheeks are sore and eat more food than I have space in my stomach.
I’m a little tipsy when Gia grabs the check to pay.
Gwen and I both protest, but she waves us off, saying this is her way of thanking us for being great friends to her.
I feel like I should pay if that’s the way we’re saying thank you.
I’ve never had girlfriends like this before.
After Grammy died, Dad sold her house and forced us to move because he’d gotten fired from every other job in Pine Creek Falls.
I was only fifteen, and we moved twice more after that.
I thought I’d have a chance at friendship when I went to college, but I met the wrong person and ended up lonelier than I’d ever been.
Now, here I am at thirty years old, finally making friends.
I’d feel pathetic if I weren’t so dang happy to have these girls.
I’m beyond grateful Gwen took me under her wing after I moved here.
She somehow remembered me from high school and immediately brought me back into the fold.
Then, when Gia moved to Pine Creek Falls, we turned our duo into a trio, and I couldn’t be happier about the direction my life is headed.
For the first time in a long time, I’m looking toward the future with hope and excitement.
The girls drop me off at my tiny apartment next to Desi’s Diner, where I work on the weekends. My place constantly smells like French fries, no matter how many diffusers I use. I keep one in my closet to make sure my clothes don’t soak up the smell.
As much as I’d love to find somewhere better, it’s all I can afford. I’ve been saving every penny I earn to put a down payment on a house. I won’t be able to afford most of the houses in Pine Creek Falls, but I’m hopeful I can find something soon.
Meow.
I grin at the welcome home greeting. A stray found me about a week after I moved into my apartment.
He’s a smoky grey color and huge. I have no idea what type of cat he is, but I love him.
When he first showed up, I just fed him anytime he came around.
I didn’t want to force him to become an indoor cat if he didn’t want to be.
Then one day, after I fed him, he followed me up the stairs and walked into my apartment.
I immediately got some supplies and made an appointment with the vet. He’s been with me ever since.
“Hi, baby.” I run my head down Whiskey’s soft, furry head. He meows up at me, obviously put out that I wasn’t home with him tonight. “I’m sorry you were by yourself. My friends are important to me though. I kind of like them. A lot.”
He gives me a side eye as if he’s annoyed but letting it go.
I get ready for bed, and as my nightly routine dictates, my brain begins to go through all the things I wish I had done differently.
My entire interaction with Knox plays over and over in my head.
Things I wish I hadn’t said, what I would’ve said had I not run away.
I do owe him an apology for questioning his parenting ability—that was shitty of me—but my friends are right, I didn’t deserve to be yelled at for saying the wrong thing.
The next time I see him, I’ll do my best to apologize before he can piss me off first.