21. now
now
Ican’t sleep. Mark’s Bed and Breakfast is quiet, and even the wind outside has fallen silent.
There’s no reason I should be awake. My stomach is full—after returning from the beach, Atlas and I drove to get burgers.
My hair is clean—sharing a bathroom with another couple is a bit weird, but not terrible.
Most importantly, I feel closer to Nat than I have in a long time.
I’m in a far-away place she wanted to visit. It might be my own wishful thinking, but I want to believe Nat wouldn’t be angry at me for bringing Atlas here. She’d wanted to reunite with their family. She’d always liked Atlas, always liked that we were together.
I roll onto my side and stare out the darkened window. There’s a half-moon tonight, and it reflects off the choppy ocean waves.
It’s probably too cold to go skinny dipping, but I don’t know when else we’ll do it.
The water won’t be any warmer in Aberlena, and the beach there is always crowded.
Not to mention it’s heavily patrolled by local police.
That comes with the territory of a college town, filled with drunk and stupid people.
I stare for a bit longer, until I can’t take the quiet anymore. It’s after midnight, but I won’t be able to sleep until we check this off our list.
I crawl out of bed and flip on the room’s light, quickly looking over my outfit.
I’m wearing simple grey sweatpants and a black tank top.
As much as I like the idea of changing back into that white dress, of appearing in front of Atlas in an ethereal dress, I don’t.
I don’t even bother putting on a bra. I only throw my jacket over my tank top before creeping down the hall to his room.
My knock is so quiet I’m sure he won’t hear it, but I don’t want to wake anyone else in the house.
Just as I’m debating texting him, his door opens.
He’s wearing nothing but his basketball shorts, and his hair is sticking up at every odd angle.
He blinks twice, snapping from dazed and sleepy to high alert.
“What’s wrong?”
“You were sleeping.” Heat rushes over my cheeks. Some part of me was sure he’d been kept awake by the same unrest as I had. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have knocked.”
Atlas looks at his phone.
“It’s almost one in the morning. Why are you awake?” He tucks his phone back into his pocket, frowning at me. “What’s wrong, Vi?”
The space between my legs throbs, and it’s hard to pinpoint why exactly.
It could be the fact he’s shirtless. Or the way his voice sounds when he’s sleepy.
Or the simple fact he’s looking at me like he’s determined to take care of me.
Whatever the reason, it keeps me standing in his doorway, rather than scurrying back to my room like I should.
“I want to go swimming.”
“Okay…?” He rubs his eyes, blinking hard like he’s not sure he’s actually awake.
“Right now.” I cross my arms over my chest. “I want to mark it off the list.”
Just like that, Atlas looks very awake. Even through the darkness, I can see his face light with blush.
“It’s freezing, Vi.”
“I know.” I lift my chin. “But I’m going to do it. You don’t have to—”
“Let me grab my shirt.” He steps from the doorway. “We’ll need some towels. Probably a blanket, just in case.”
Just in case of what, I want to ask. I don’t. I only stand there while he collects towels, the blanket, and an additional sweatshirt. He pulls the hoodie I’d worn earlier into place. Once he has everything we’ll need, and only then, a brazen smirk pulls at his lips.
“I didn’t know you were this determined to see me naked.”
“As if,” I scoff. “Besides, I’ve already seen you naked.”
“If I recall, you didn’t hate it.”
Heat rushes through my body, and I’m too dumbfounded to think of a clever response. Instead, I silently follow Atlas through the house and down the sandy path to the ocean. Only once we reach the beach does he speak again.
“So, is your plan to just strip naked and take off running into the ocean?”
“Is there a different option?” I ask, smiling.
“I don’t know. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to track down a cove or something.”
I look around us, arms spread in either direction.
“Who’s going to see us?” The wind rustles through my hair as I tip my chin to the sky. “We’re alone, Atlas.”
“Yeah,” is his only reply. When I look at him, his eyes are already on mine. He turns away before I can read the emotion there.
We set our belongings on the sand, much closer to the water than when we were here earlier.
The air has gotten colder. Even with my sweatpants and jacket, I’m shivering.
It’s only September, but the weather feels surprisingly cool.
I don’t let myself hesitate before stripping out of my jacket.
If I dwell on what we’re doing, I’m going to chicken out.
“Are we going at the same time or…” Atlas trails off. He’s standing beside me, but he’s faced toward the ocean. His jaw is tight, and when I start to untie my sweatpants, he immediately shifts until his back is to me.
“We’re going at the same time.” I kick out of the pants, leaving me in nothing but my thong and a thin tank top. “You can look, if you want.”
For all the times I’ve felt insecure or unsure, now isn’t one of them.
From the first time Atlas and I slept together to the time we broke up, I never questioned whether he was attracted to me.
Before we had sex, insecurities occasionally wound through my body, terrified he might secretly find me less than.
Now, like that very first time we had sex, I don’t doubt his attraction. Even as he’s working hard to look only at my face, and not an inch lower, I know it’s not from lack of interest.
I pull my tank top over my head and toss it into the sand.
My underwear follows a second later. I swear I can hear my own heart beating.
There’s a distant, but acutely terrified, part of me that’s aware I’m standing naked on a very public beach.
We’re alone. It’s dark. But still. Anyone could see me, breasts and ass on full display.
Right now, there’s only one person I’m hoping can see me. Atlas’s lips part, his eyes locked on mine. He’s fully dressed, hands clenched against the sides of his shorts.
Look at me, I inexplicably want to beg. Look like you used to.
He doesn’t. Of course, he doesn’t. He’s a gentleman, even as his restraint seems to be causing him physical harm.
“You better hurry, Atlas,” I tease, hoping he doesn’t hear the nerves in my voice. “I’m going to be done before you even get undressed.”
I take off, running the short distance from our towels to the dark water. I let out a yelp of surprise as I crash into the waves. They’re freezing, and it’s only my momentum that keeps me going. I’m too scared to slow down. Once I do, I won’t want to go any deeper.
I run until the water is too high, until my movements turn sluggish.
Then, I dive forward, letting the waves swallow me whole.
I’m underwater for less than two seconds.
By the time I emerge, gasping for breath and shivering, Atlas is in the water beside me.
Where I’m submerged to the bottom of my ribcage, Atlas’s hips are barely covered.
His green eyes are on me. His hair is damp—he must have dove straight into the water, rather than wading like I did. Water droplets dot his cheeks, and despite the darkness, I’m confident I can see those freckles on his nose.
“Atlas.” His name is barely a breath between my cold lips.
I don’t lower my gaze as I reach for him, dragging him toward me by his wrists.
He comes willingly, face an indescribable combination of anguish and hope.
He looks at me like he’s on the edge of a cliff, debating whether he’s allowed to jump.
I bring his palms to my chest. His eyes flutter shut as he touches me, and he lets out a distraught groan.
He looks closer to pain than arousal, but I know him well enough.
I’ve seen this exact expression on his face, every time we slept together in high school.
He’s older now, jawline sharper, body more sculpted. But he’s still mine.
With his eyes closed, he tugs me closer. His hands don’t leave my chest, but they soften. His fingers brush over my hardened nipples, and he makes that anguished sound again.
“Evolved?” It’s supposed to be a joke, but it comes out breathless.
Atlas Blake is touching me, after all these years, after I long-convinced myself he never would again.
“Perfect,” he whispers. “You’re perfect.”
His hands skim down my sides, pausing to grip my hips firmly, before moving back to my chest. My legs are numb in the water, and my teeth haven’t stopped chattering, but I don’t feel the cold anymore.
My entire body feels warm, as if Atlas’s skin has sparked a fire against mine.
I move my hands to his shoulders, digging my fingernails against his wet skin.
“Kiss me,” I say. Beg is a more accurate word, but I’m too needy to feel embarrassed. I barely give Atlas time to hear my request before I’m pulling him down to my height.
He tastes like saltwater and the mint toothpaste I let him borrow earlier.
His tongue is warm, but demanding, insistent against mine.
One of his hands finds the back of my head, gripping my hair to the point it’s painful.
He tilts my head roughly, lips trailing wet kisses down the side of my neck.
When he reaches my collar bone, he bites sharply, then immediately chases the sting with his tongue.
“More.” I’m still begging, too needy to care. “I want—”
He cuts me off with another kiss. It’s messy and hungry and everything I imagined the few times I allowed my mind to wander.
He’s a better kisser than I remembered. His movements are so much more commanding, more confident.
I wrap my arms tighter over his shoulders and hitch one leg over his waist. He stumbles before regaining his balance.
In an easy swoop, he lifts me from the water, settling me over his hips.
When Atlas starts back toward the beach, disappointment slams against my gut. I’m naked. On a public beach. But I don’t care. I’d stand here, clinging to Atlas, kissing him as long as he allowed. There’s a chance we’ll never do this again, and I can’t bear the thought it’s already ending.
Atlas pulls away, tucking my head against the crook of his neck while he walks through the water.
“Not yet,” I whine against his jaw. “Just a little—”
“You’re cold,” he says, cutting me off.
“I’m fine.” I tighten my legs around his waist, grinding against his arousal.
He could fuck me like this, I decide. After years of denying myself even the fantasies of sleeping with this man, I can’t bear it anymore.
I need him inside of me. Right now, in this frigid water.
On the sand. I don’t care, and my pride left consideration as soon as I knocked on his door tonight. “Fuck me, Atlas. Please.”
Atlas swears, but the intensity of his voice doesn’t match his careful movements.
He gently lowers my feet to the sand and wraps a towel over my bare shoulders.
Before I can so much as try to lay out our blanket, he’s grabbing me again, bringing my ankles around his towel-clad waist. He juggles our belongings with one hand, and uses the other to keep me firmly against him.
He’s moving as if he’s on autopilot, barely looking at me as he walks back to our stay.
“If you’re going to let me fuck you, I’m going to do it properly,” he says roughly. I don’t recognize the rasp in his voice, but it goes straight to the spot between my legs.
By the time we stumble into the rental and up the stairs, my entire body is trembling.
It’s hard to tell whether it’s from the anticipation or the cold, but I don’t have long to wonder.
Rather than turning for his bedroom, Atlas goes into the farthest bathroom.
Without setting me down, he cranks the shower to high heat.
Then his mouth is back on mine, hot and greedy, barely breaking away long enough for me to catch a breath before demanding more.
When his mouth trails down my neck, sucking the same spot on my collarbone, I tip my head back to smile at the ceiling. For one blissful moment, I am sixteen again—and everything feels exactly as it should.