26. now
now
Iwake up to the gentle press of Atlas’s thumb against my cheekbone. He traces my jawline to the other side of my face. It’s reverent, the way he’s touching me. I should pull away, but I don’t. I blink sleepily at him, swallowing to keep myself from crying. If I start again, I’m afraid I won’t stop.
Atlas smiles at me, soft, gentle. There’s no judgment in his expression, and that only makes me feel worse.
“How are you feeling?” He continues touching my face, the pad of his thumb brushing over my lower lip.
“Did Hayden call you?” I glance at my closed door. Through it, I can hear the soft clink of dishes being unloaded from the washer.
“Yeah.” He cups the side of my face. For reasons I can’t fathom, he leans forward and gently kisses my forehead.
“Why are you being nice to me?” I ask. The question cracks halfway through, and I swallow roughly. “You should hate me, Atlas.”
His jaw hardens.
“Never. Nothing you could ever do—”
“I ruined everything.” I cut him off. “I ruined Nat. I ruined us. And I made you into the villain, just to spare my own feelings. I’m…”
I trail off. A hot tear leaks down the side of my face, and I swear under my breath. So much for keeping it together.
“Nothing I could do would make you hate me, but you did something good, and I punished you for it.” My chest clenches as I speak.
I tighten my jaw, forbidding another tear from falling.
Atlas starts to interrupt, but I press my fingers against his lips.
“I have to say this. I need you to know I’m sorry.
I’m really, really sorry. I’m the reason Nat ran away, not you. And I’m so sorry I—”
“You are not.” He takes my face between both of his hands now and tilts his chin until our foreheads are touching. “It is not your fault. Nat was sick, Violet.”
“But I knew.” I close my eyes, holding him by his wrists.
I’m not sure if I’m keeping him close or readying to push him away.
“I knew she was sick, and I just let it happen. I let it get worse and worse. If I would have gone to my mom months earlier, she might have agreed to keep it from my dad. It might have—”
“You were a kid.” His fingers tremble against my skin.
“So were you.” I’m holding him close, I decide, keeping his hands against my face. If I could, I’d pull him even closer. “So were you, and you did the right thing. As soon as you knew, you tried to fix it. Me? When I knew how bad it was, I went out with her. Got drunk because I…”
I trail off. I don’t remember why I got drunk. I’m not sure sixteen-year-old me would’ve had an answer either.
“I should have done a lot of things different.” I swallow and open my eyes. I’m not surprised to find Atlas already looking at me, but I am surprised that he’s crying. Quiet tears trail down his cheeks and to his chin. I release my hold on him to wipe them away. “I’m sorry, Atlas. I’m so—”
“Please don’t.” He kisses me, soft and sweet. “Please don’t be angry at yourself. I’d rather you be angry at me than yourself.”
“I know.” I lower my hands to the collar of his T-shirt, and press my face against his shoulder. “But that’s not fair, Atlas.”
He doesn’t respond to that. We’re quiet for so long, I’m on the verge of falling back asleep.An epiphany like this, realizing I’d distorted my own reality, took a lot out of me. But there’s too much left to say, too many things I’ve kept buried.
“We never really talked after that day.” I’d broken up with him over text, and shortly after that, I blocked his number. Deleted all his emails without opening them. “I can’t imagine how horrible that was for you.”
When he swallows, I follow the movement in his throat.
“Tell me, Atlas,” I whisper. Beg. “Tell me how much I hurt you.”
When I look up, his lips twitch, somewhere between a frown and a grimace.
“It was the worst thing that ever happened to me,” he says, surprising me.
I’d expected him to brush it off, to tell me it was fine—that he was fine.
“I had no idea Nat would run. I thought she’d get help and get better.
Once she disappeared and I lost you, I stopped sleeping, eating, functioning.
And when I found out what your dad—what that piece of shit had been doing to your family for years—I hated myself.
I hated that it happened, and that I never even knew. ”
“We were good at hiding it,” I whisper. I feel his hurt through my entire body, pain radiating like a thick poison.
Atlas shifts, tucking my head tighter against his chest. His fingers gently tangle through my hair, and I feel the steady rhythm of his heart against mine.
“Do you know why I told your mom about Nat?” His movements don’t falter, but my breaths do.
“I assume because I went drinking with Nat.” I force myself to breathe again, to relax my tightened shoulders. “I promised you I wasn’t involved, and the very next night, you had to carry me to bed because I was too drunk to walk myself.”
He blows a breath through his teeth. He’s gripping me harder now, as if trying to keep me from disappearing.
“Why were you out there anyway?” I ask. Then, though I don’t want to, I admit, “I didn’t even remember that part. Nat told me the next day. She said you’d been outside when we got home.”
It’s several seconds before he responds. He rubs my back, up and down, along the length of my spine.
“She crashed into my garbage can,” he says. “I didn’t recognize her. The girl driving. But the sound woke me up. By the time I came outside, she and your sister were all but dragging you up the driveway. They were almost as gone as you were, Vi.”
He hugs me closer, rests his chin on the top of my head.
“Maybe I wasn’t thinking straight when I told your mom.
Maybe I was acting out of fear and anger.
All I knew was that those two girls had my whole world in their car, and they were fucking drunk.
They could have killed you. If I didn’t do something, I was sure they would.
All it would take was one car accident, and you’d be gone.
” He’s stopped moving now, arms wrapped tightly around me.
“I could handle you hating me, Violet. I couldn’t handle you dying. I just couldn’t.”
I snake my arms between us, creating just enough space to press my lips against his.
He’s hesitant at first, or maybe surprised, but I’m too desperate to slow down.
I kiss him with everything I have, trying to convey all the feelings I kept locked inside for too long, so deep I could pretend they didn’t exist.
I miss you.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
Love me back, even if I don’t deserve it.
Atlas abruptly rolls me onto my back, leaning over me. He’s careful to keep his weight off me, and it’s the last thing I need. I wrap my legs tight around his hips, pulling him down until our chests crash together.
He captures my wild energy, taking control until everything slows. The kiss turns deep, leisurely, as if we have all the time in the world.
When his mouth trails down my neck, I arch into him, rubbing against his hardening erection.
“I love you,” I say, surprised at how easily the words spill from me. It’s as if they’ve always been at the edge of my tongue, waiting to be spoken again. As soon as I say them, I am filled with calm and rightness. I am floating, held to earth only by Atlas’s arms. “I love you, Atlas. Always.”
He groans and drops his head against my shoulder. His cock is pressed against my stomach, but he doesn’t move for a long moment. He just presses soft kisses against my neck.
“I love you,” he finally says. His lips trail up to my jaw and press against my ear. “You have no idea how much.”
“Show me,” I whisper. I dig my fingers against his shoulder blades, feeling the coarse muscle beneath his shirt. “Please.”
“Fuck.” He grabs my hip, squeezing hard. “Fuck. Hold on.”
He rolls his hips, grinding his cock against my center.
His movements are sharp, jerky almost. I realize he’s trying not to come already, and were I not so desperate for him, I might laugh.
As it is, I pull at the elastic band of his shorts until his erection springs free.
Atlas groans again, the noise radiating from low in his chest.
“Please,” I beg. “Can we—”
He lets out a breathless laugh. Rips my shorts down, doesn’t even have them to my knees before he palms my cunt. He presses one finger into my heat, then another. I arch up into him, both horrified and aroused at the lewd noise of his hand against my opening.
“Please,” I say again.
“Just to take the edge off,” he says with an abashed smile. He lines at my entrance and thrusts inside, only a few shallow strokes before filling me completely. “Then I’ll fuck you properly.”