Chapter 43
Night falls over Firecrest and a bittersweet air settles over the site. A small shred of guilt wells inside me that I’ve stolen Elliot’s last night for myself before I remind myself that he is here willingly. And is on a date with me. Willingly.
The only noticeable change between us so far is the whole holding hands thing. It’s a welcome change.
We sit next to the lake, on the quieter side that overlooks the stages of The Lakes area.
Fairy lights encircle the water and hang from every tree and flag around us, casting long, scattered reflections of light across the lake’s surface.
An enormous willow tree towers beside us, its feathery branches falling around us like a curtain, masking us from curious eyes.
I watch them shudder and move together as the breeze grows colder.
I remember with a start that I should update Hennie. She has probably bitten all of her nails off by now.
I shoot Elliot an apologetic look as I grab my phone and open up an ongoing stream of messages from her.
How did it go???
Please update me asap
Five minutes later:
I’M DYING
OMG IM DYING I NEED ANSWERS
ARE YOU ALIVE
OH MY GOD NORA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Feeling like a terrible friend, I quickly type out a response.
I am so sorry
But it went well!!! I think!! we’re just sitting by the lake now
Did you find Owen and Josh?
OMGOMGOGGOMGOG YESSSSSS
WELL DONE YOU, THIS IS SENSATIONAL
Yes I did I’m fine
Have fun with E!!
Omg wait wait wait
are you gonna shag??????
I blink hard before shoving my phone back in my bag.
‘Is Hennie horrified about this outcome?’ he asks, looking the tiniest bit nervous.
‘About us? God, no. She actually guessed that you liked me from the start.’
‘Well. Good to know that my affections are obvious,’ he says dryly. ‘For some.’
I kick at the gravel around my feet. ‘You could’ve just said something earlier, you know,’ I tease.
He shoots me a dull glare. ‘I asked you if you’d ever faked an orgasm.’
‘I thought we were friends,’ I counter with wide-eyed innocence.
‘I don’t talk about that with my friends.’
‘I do. I just thought we were becoming… slightly closer friends,’ I say with a shrug. ‘You also spent our first day together acting as if I was the biggest pain in your ass.’
‘You were.’ His lips curl. ‘You told me that you didn’t think I was attractive.’
‘Well,’ I say, forcing my gaze to the stars slowly materialising above us. ‘I lied.’
He breathes a laugh at my response, and then studies me with the kind of scrutiny I’m not yet used to. Like he’s trying to unravel my thoughts and read through them in great detail. I busy myself by playing with a lock of my hair.
‘Can I ask you something?’ he asks gently. ‘Just to get on the same page.’
I gulp. ‘I haven’t been on many dates. But this sounds like a very emotionally healthy way to kick one off.’
He shifts, moving to sit a little closer to me.
‘I still don’t really understand what happened last night after we kissed. And I would… like to.’
I clear my throat and direct my eyes to my shoes. It’s suddenly hard to look at him.
‘I’m sorry,’ I admit.
‘You don’t need to apologise to me,’ he says firmly. ‘I just want to see things from your perspective.’
I sigh. ‘I don’t know if I can even explain it, Elliot.
It’s all buried in years and years of programming.
I just couldn’t and wouldn’t believe that someone like you was interested in me that way.
I’ve spent my whole life convincing myself that something like this shouldn’t be possible because there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.
Like I’m a faulty car or something. I find it hard to believe someone might actually like me.
I think that was what I panicked about yesterday: when you said you shouldn’t have kissed me, I assumed that you got caught up in the atmosphere and the moment and you realised that you’d rather be kissing someone else. ’
‘Christ.’ He rubs his hands across his face, his expression ravaged. ‘I’m sorry, Nora. That’s not even close to what happened. Truthfully, I was thinking very much the opposite… I was just paranoid I’d crossed a line.’
‘I know. And I kicked back a little too hard in response because I felt rejected. All of this probably could have been avoided if I wasn’t used to protecting myself so much.
’ I try to laugh light-heartedly but it comes out bitter.
I cast him a nervous glance. ‘It’s just hard to open yourself up to the hurt and the heartbreak and the shit that comes with liking somebody, you know? ’
‘Making yourself vulnerable.’ He nods. ‘It sucks.’
‘Yeah, it really does.’
‘But it’s worth it.’ And his voice leaves no room for argument.
‘Even with everything that happened with Rachel, I would do it all again. That relationship made me who I am. How it ended was painful; it was awful. But I would never undo the time we spent together. I could never erase her. Taking the risk… it will always be worth it for me. Kind of why I asked you out in the first place, even if you didn’t pick up on it happening. ’
I flash him a smile. ‘I’m glad you did ask.’
‘So am I. And I’m very glad you texted me. And then pounced on me.’
I grimace. ‘Pounced is a horrible word. Very predator-like. Could we settle on ‘leapt upon’?’
‘Sure, princess,’ he says with that maddening sly look I’m obsessed with. ‘But it was ballsy. More ballsy than I am. Thank goodness one of us is brave.’
‘I’m not sure it was that brave,’ I admit. ‘I have a bit of a confession. While we’re being honest.’
His eyebrows rise a notch.
‘I saw what you wrote on your post-it,’ I say sheepishly. ‘I’m so sorry, I know it was supposed to be a private thing but I ended up seeing it and I had to tell you.’
‘Oh.’ The word lies there as he nods in understanding.
‘I really am sorry,’ I reiterate, my shoulders going up to my ears.
His face suddenly breaks into a grin, his sharp gaze landing back on me. ‘So that’s why you came back.’
‘A little,’ I reply, my voice quiet.
‘If it gave you the confidence to do so… I’m happy, honestly,’ he says with a shrug.
I nudge my shoulder against his. ‘Maybe it was worth writing what you really wanted on a post-it after all?’
He leans into my shoulder, and it feels like his eyes are feasting on me. ‘Maybe.’
I break the eye contact and find myself staring at my shoes again. I brush a leaf away that’s tied up in my shoelaces.
‘Elliot,’ I prompt.
‘What’s up?’ he replies, his voice a little higher. He must sense my nervousness.
‘Just as a warning. The whole idea of… this,’ I murmur, gesturing between us. ‘You know, romance. Us. The idea of being liked in that way. It might take me a while to get used to.’
He grabs my hand and tucks it into his own. ‘That’s okay.’
‘I don’t know if I’ll ever really get used to it. Sometimes I’m not sure if that damage can even be undone,’ I confess before I can stop the words from falling out of me. ‘I can’t fix how I see myself.’
‘There’s nothing to fix,’ he says firmly.
I tilt my head at him. ‘It could use some improvement. I can’t even have a guy ask me to hang without acknowledging it, because I never would have believed it possible.’
He purses his lips together briefly. ‘Maybe it just needs tiny tweaks rather than fixing. Like if you have a thought about yourself that feels nasty or cruel or unwarranted you can take notice of it, and then immediately try to tell yourself something that you like about yourself in response. Like a mental exercise, if that makes sense.’
Something about this suggestion makes me grip his hand tighter. ‘I don’t hate that idea.’
‘Good.’ He nods, looking quite pleased with himself. ‘Compassion, right?’
I smile. ‘Right.’
‘So, what’s something you like?’
My focus drifts to the reflection of fairy lights drizzled across the lake’s surface. ‘Hmm?’
‘Something you like about yourself.’
‘Oh, God.’ I scratch at my scalp. This feels vaguely mortifying.
He gives my hand a squeeze of encouragement. ‘Go on, there’ll be something.’
‘Um, okay.’ I swallow. ‘Let’s see… I have good dental hygiene.’
He covers his laugh with a fist.
‘I never miss a floss,’ I add with pride.
‘Okay. Sure, that’s something. My turn now?’
I snort. ‘You want to list your enticing qualities.’
‘No, I want to list yours,’ he says. I rear back from him in horror.
‘Let me do a quick run down, but there’s lots more to come.
Okay, alright – your smile, especially that satisfied little smile you do after insulting me.
The way you’ve made me laugh more this weekend than I thought possible.
Your eyes. How protective you and Hennie are of each other.
All of your freckles but particularly the ones around your mouth.
Your hair, your eyes – did I already say your eyes? Anyway, your eyes–’
I interrupt him because I feel like I may be about to lose consciousness. ‘I thought you were supposed to be bad at talking about your feelings?’
‘I’m not talking about my feelings,’ he argues. ‘I’m presenting a list of facts.’
‘Oh. Well.’ I swallow down a hysterical laugh, covering my mouth with my free hand. ‘Thank you.’
His eyes never leave my face. ‘Why do I still feel like you don’t believe me?’ There’s no spite in his tone, just genuine curiosity.
‘I don’t know. I’m just, you know… getting used to hearing things like that. I mean, I’m hardly Eva Longoria. Or Florence Pugh.’
‘That’s not a bad thing.’
I give him a teasing smile. ‘Is this the part where you say they’re so pretty they look “boring”?’
‘No. They’re beautiful as well. And we can talk at length about how pretty the Eva Longorias and Florence Pughs of the world are.’ He leans ever so slightly closer, his relentless gaze burning through me. ‘But I like Nora Hartleys.’
Something irresistibly warm and soothing writhes through my insides, and I cannot control the manic grin that escapes me. I do, thankfully, keep in the manic giggle.