Chapter 3 #3
I was slightly battered, which was rare for me, but Viv looked like she was on the brink of death.
That was when I realised that, given the right circumstances, I was not just capable of hurting my enemies but also those closest to me.
There was something so twisted and vengeful within my soul that I would destroy anyone, no matter who they were, if it meant furthering my aims. I knew then even though we had shared nearly our whole lives together, I would kill her if this was a true battle to the death, no matter my feelings for her all for the sake of my ego and reputation.
Perhaps a small part of me lashed out the way I did because it was one of the first times I felt overpowered, and it sent real fear through me, taking me back to those times in my life when I had felt powerless.
My need to protect myself would drive me to hurt those I cared for, those I loved.
If I was even capable of that emotion anymore, I would do anything not to be at the mercy of others and this life.
The black smoke seeped out of me once more, filling the space before dissipating again.
My mother, Queen Annastasia, now stood before me.
When she died, I felt nothing; there was no sadness or pain at my loss because I didn’t actually lose anything.
In our land, the power to rule is handed down through the maternal bloodline, and so are our gifts.
Upon my mother’s death the eternal flame left her body to find the next in line—me.
I was in the shadow forest hunting when a blue light catapulted through the air, hitting me with such force that it sent me flying from the top of the Elder tree I had been perched on, skidding across the field.
The feeling of the eternal flame entering my body was euphoric, unlike any drug in existence.
Pure ecstasy rushed through my body, infiltrating every fibre of my being and hooking itself into my mind, body and soul.
A guttural scream that boarded on maniacal at the sheer thrill of it all shook through me.
Once the afterglow had worn off, I knew what it meant. My mother was dead.
When I found myself back at the castle, everyone was in a panic and in various stages of mourning.
I, however, felt nothing. Growing up as the heir to Maureia, I knew that this would be my reality one day, so from birth, they had separated my mother and me.
We saw each other at royal events, but we had not once had a private conversation or shared any moments of love and kindness between us.
This was all done to ensure that the transition of power was smooth and that the heir was not rattled by grief in the same way it had consumed me with my father.
The most I felt over her death was the sting of jealousy rearing its head again, knowing I would never get the chance to experience that mother-daughter moment I had always seen between my mother and my sister.
That was when I knew my childhood was truly dysfunctional.
To have the woman who gave birth to you die and not shed a tear.
Instead, like an addict, I had wished I could feel the pure ecstasy of the flame rushing through my body again at the moment of her death.
My mother had died at the hands of the Morgadian king, Sebastian.
Just another casualty of this war. It was at the end of my final semester at the Academy, during the break before graduation, in which I would assume the throne a few weeks later.
I remember nearing my graduation and having a twisted thought flutter through my mind.
I was glad my mother was dead so that I could begin my reign as soon as I was done at the Academy.
I wanted power; I wanted to cause people pain for all the pain I had endured, and I wanted to obliterate my mother’s legacy, creating my own that would far outlast hers.
I hated her for never loving me. It was one thing to understand the rules of the old ways, but I knew it was more than that every time her eyes landed on mine, she never cared about me.
The distance between us wasn’t hard for her to maintain, while it had shattered me as a child.
I held my perfect sister through the night as she sobbed, but instead of grieving with her, I thought of all the things that were wrong with me; perhaps if I had a real relationship with my mother, I would have turned out a little more sane like my sister.
The black smoke billowed then faded again.
Standing face to face with my sister Jahnah after the memories of our mother felt too raw.
Although my sister and I had a turbulent relationship at times, she often lied, manipulated and distorted the truth to push and prod me for sport because she was younger.
But I loved her dearly. She was the only family I had who didn’t actively seek to hurt me.
She had also died at the hands of the Morgadian king.
Only two months had passed since my mother’s death; the fighting between our lands peaked.
He sought to take advantage of the change in leadership, thinking there would be disharmony in my ranks or weaknesses in my strategies and those of my newly appointed advisors.
I watched the moment he snapped my sisters’ neck with his bare hands right in front of me.
My sister and I had been to battle and fought side by side so many times before; I never imagined a day when I would lose her to it.
One inconsequential second cost her her life and lost me a sister.
Losing her footing, one of the dead clinging to life latched onto her leg.
As if in slow motion across the field, I screamed her name as the Morgadian king stepped up behind her.
She couldn’t hear me, but instead the man met my eyes as he gripped her head and twisted it so viciously that the light drained from her eyes instantly as her body slumped to the ground.
He grinned at me, the mark of a man that would stop at nothing.
A smile I saw on my face far too often; this was the first time I had seen myself in him and it sickened me.
This was no longer about land, it was pure bloodlust. I recognised the feeling all too well.
By the time I made it through the assault to my sister’s body, she was already turning cold.
I sat there holding her for hours screaming until my throat was raw and bleeding.
The battle was forgotten as my army pushed the enemy back.
Finally, we had won, but at what cost? My sister was killed for no reason other than to hurt me.
I was a poison infecting the lives of those around me.
She would still be here if not for me, and the worst part was that I was just as sick and depraved as he was.
If the roles had been reversed, I would have done the same thing.
I thought I had fought for justice, but it was vengeance and power.
The vision ended, and rather than being pulled again to a different person and memory that had shaped me I sat in the darkness of my soul.
‘Skylar, what did you learn?’ Sienna asked.
It sounded like a whisper echoing in the depths of my mind.
I was reeling. What had I learnt? Nothing—except for the fact that my life was a tragedy.
That I was too fucked up and twisted to function.
Everything and everyone in my life was tainted by me, and I was the poison.
Those who got close enough would end up ruined at my hands, all so that I could hold onto my power.
‘I’ve been twisted into someone who is barely a Skin Seeper anymore.
I’m a shattered vessel trying to fill its cracks with blood, death and destruction.
I’m no better than my enemies. All that has ever mattered to me is power.
I thought I was noble in my pursuits, but I’m just like my enemies, if not worse, because I had fooled myself into thinking I was righteous; at least they know what they are. ’ Slowly the darkness lifted.
Pulled from my mind, I saw Sienna sitting in front of me, smiling. ‘How stupid can you be? We can all change, heal and grow. You just never had a reason or a desire to.’
I looked at her disbelievingly. How could anyone look at me, at my brokenness, and see anything worth salvaging? ‘I still don’t want to, I like who I am, I…need to be this—’
Sienna interrupted me. ‘You hate yourself, you hate your life; you always have. You have no reason to now, but one day you will. And when that time comes, you will be ready because today you faced who you are and why you are the way you are. From now on, you should make a conscious decision in every action to do better. Be better. Fight for the right things. The panic will get much worse until you find a new purpose outside of your own needs, but you will find a light out of the darkness one day,’ she said with a glimmer in her eye that almost left me hopeful, but now I was angry.
‘I thought this would fix me. You said this would cure my panic. I wouldn’t have done this if that panic was only going to get worse,’ I seethed, rising to my feet.
‘I lied. This had to be done. You’ll understand that one day.’
‘I could execute you for this deception. I have been too soft on you—you have forgotten your place, thinking you can manipulate me. How fucking dare you?!’ I screamed.
‘Try it,’ she challenged. I raised my hand, ready to grab her, but stopped myself midair, clenching it into a fist. ‘Breathe through your anger and choose differently. You are more than a caged animal lashing out.’ She was right and deep down I knew I needed to confront these truths I had been burying deep inside. But I didn’t like being lied to.
‘I’m sorry, Sienna.’ I stepped back, breathing deeply to calm myself.
‘I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard those words from you.’ She smirked in satisfaction.
‘Well, you might not have fixed the panic, but maybe you did fix a small part of me.’