Chapter 14
Fourteen
Not knowing where to go, I went to the observatory in the west tower.
It spiralled so high that it sat above the clouds.
The walk was long and difficult, but as every step grew harder, my mind became clearer.
I sat in the centre of the tower, staring out at the clear sky.
The stars never shone brighter than they did after a heavy rain.
What felt like hours had passed as I sat on that cold stone floor, looking out at the sky through the large arched windows that covered every wall.
I rested against the looking glass in the center of the room, which allowed me to see the stars in greater detail.
There was some bedding off to the side, beneath one of the windows.
Other students would stay here all night during celestial events.
There was a small desk with a wooden chair, and bookshelves lined the rest of the walls.
By the second window was an empty birdcage.
One of the messenger crows was likely flying through the realms right now; perhaps it was the one Demir had used to send one of the messages that Cain had not been able to intercept.
Standing, I took a deep breath, pulling myself from my reverie.
Placing my hands on the stone edge of the window, I breathed in the cold night air.
As I looked out at the world, I saw nothing but mountaintops emerging from the clouds.
It looked so peaceful up here, a world of its own.
I wondered if the first dragons felt like this amongst the stars.
Gone were the politics and the pressure.
It was just me alone with my thoughts. Sometimes, that was exactly what I needed, but tonight it stirred something deeper within me.
I replayed everything that happened over the last few days and wanted to scream until I could no longer utter a single sound.
Who had I become? The Awakening with Sienna had shown me why I had become this mess of a person.
Conflicted and cruel, needing vengeance and blood.
But some deep baser part of me craved more and it was only now that I was seeing it.
Only now do I realise how desperate I was not to be alone, that I clung to those I should have been cutting loose.
I had always thought I had no other choice and that the people around me were merely tools to bend to my will and command, but now I realised I had been lying to myself.
I needed them more than they needed me, and it was terrifying.
I threw away every principle I had to cling to Viv.
I had chased, actually run after, Visarous last night.
The idea of Cain flying through Morgadian lands and being hurt, or worse, captured and killed, made me so petrified that I prioritised his safety and my need to have him close over his duties and responsibilities.
Yes, I needed Jade in this war, but deeper than that, I wanted another ally—another friend.
Perhaps that is why I bound Acheron to myself.
I could justify it all and had believed my own lies until this moment when I was confronted by silence and couldn’t distract myself from the truth.
Whatever Sienna had unravelled in me was working, and something in me was Awakening to the truth.
I had used the flame to reveal the truth in the words of those around me for so long that I tuned it out when I spoke and thought for myself.
Perhaps I simply became accustomed to the feeling of it rippling through me with every lie I told myself, until eventually, I stopped feeling anything at all.
Before I could even comprehend what was happening, my breathing turned rapid.
I gripped the windowsill tighter, leaning against it to steady myself as I swayed.
My blood pulsed through my body; I felt the rush of it in my ears, drowning out the world around me.
I gasped for air, each breath feeling shallower and shallower.
I tried to fill each corner of my lungs, but they remained empty.
The edges of my vision started to turn black, slowly consuming everything I saw.
My arms and legs began to tingle with a million pinpricks before they turned numb.
I could barely stand or hold on anymore as cold sweat drenched my body.
I was shaking; every fibre of my being shivered as if I were freezing.
I tried to speak, but nothing came out. I couldn’t form a single sound other than gasping breaths, struggling to breathe and feeling as though I was drowning in water.
I crumbled to the ground, no longer able to hold myself up.
The darkness was coming. The twisted black poison that consumed me threatened to overwhelm me.
I was sinking deeper and deeper into this pit, and there was no way out.
I thought my heart would stop; that this would be the moment I died.
The panic had won, and there was no pulling myself back to reality.
Every bad memory and every negative thought played through my mind until I was engulfed in a sea of anguish.
Every regret bubbled to the surface of my mind, and shame flooded over me.
Guilt destroyed me. The self-loathing ruined me.
The darkness won, and for a moment, the world turned black.
Just as I heard a voice in the distance shouting for me.
‘Wake up! Wake up!’ I was still pinned underneath the surface of the darkness as my senses started slowly coming back to me.
I felt warm hands grab me and pull me into nothing but warmth.
Holding me tightly, shaking me lightly trying to wake me.
A hand moved to my face, desperately pushing my hair out of the way so they could see me, begging me to wake.
But I couldn’t yet see them. The darkness not shaking its hold on me.
A forehead leaned against mine as they clasped my face. ‘Please wake up, wake up, please, darling, wake up,’ the voice pleaded with me. Please, please, please!
I recognised that voice. My eyes slowly opened to see Demir holding me, his eyes closed tightly as if he were pained by the state I was in, or perhaps by the pain from the wounds I had given him, which were still healing.
It took my hazy mind a minute to remember it had been Jade that healed him so whatever this anguish he bore was not physical.
I tried to pull myself away, and his eyes opened instantly. Relief flooding his features. She’s okay, she’s going to be okay.
‘I’m fine,’ I said, barely audible as I still fought to gain control over my body.
Instead of letting go, his grip on me tightened. ‘What was that?’ he asked, his steel-edged voice demanding an answer.
‘Nothing, it happens sometimes,’ I said, looking away as I tried and failed to pull away again.
Shame riddled me to my core. This was a secret I kept hidden from so many except for my inner circle and now my enemy had seen me at my weakest. After beating him in the arena—displaying my strength to him and every person here today—I had crumbled, allowing him to see the hidden mess that lurked within my soul. A darkness I had buried deep within me.
‘That’s not nothing, Princess,’ he said.
‘It’s queen now,’ I rasped with as much venom as I could muster. I was already humiliated; I would not let him mock me.
He smirked at my response before his eyes grew sad again. ‘You have it don’t you… the panic.’
My whole body went rigid as my mind went blank. Before I could register what had happened, he pulled me tight against his chest and hugged me.
It’s okay, you’re going to be okay, my Ruhi.
I pushed him back, breaking the hug, and pulled myself out of his lap and onto the floor, leaning my back against the stone wall as I slowly caught my breath from my latest episode. His hand reached out to me before he clenched it and laid it by his side.
‘How did you know?’ I asked, mouth dry.
‘Clara, my sister had it.’ He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair.
‘She had it for years. She said… that being held helped. It was an anchor in those moments, keeping her afloat so she didn’t lose herself.
I shouldn’t have,’ he explained. This was not Demir showing me a kindness, it was him seeing his long dead sister and reacting without thinking.
‘It’s true,’ I said. I had already embarrassed myself beyond repair, there was no face left to save so why not be honest. Without another word, Demir moved to sit beside me, and held out his hand for me.
I stared at it for a long while before finally entwining my fingers with his.
Not knowing what to do I blurted out, ‘How are you feeling?’
Demir laughed at the question. ‘I should be asking you that.’
‘I was not stabbed repeatedly or had a blade twisted in my rib cage,’ I said.
He winced at the memory. ‘No, I suppose you weren’t, but isn’t it worse?
These wounds will be gone by morning,’ he said, gesturing at himself, ‘but you will live each day of your life on the edge of this panic, waiting for the wound to rip open again like it did just now. To me, that is a much more painful way to live.’
He was right. I would take a thousand broken bones and a million cuts if it meant one second of peace within my mind.
‘Why are you being nice to me? Why do you care if I succumb to the panic? If I had seen you here like that I would have left you there and walked away.’ I said.
Demir stilled at the question. Because of who you are and what you are.
There it was again.
‘I’m not you. Yes, I have been cruel to you many times, but I am not a cruel person. If it had been my sister lying here, I would hope that someone would show her some compassion. Even if it was my enemy.’
‘Why did you hesitate during the duel? You were faster, stronger; you would have won if you hadn’t hesitated.
So why?’ I asked, continuing my interrogation, not wanting to think too much about the fact that I could still hear his thoughts or how annoyance prickled over me at the fact I reminded him of a sibling.
‘I didn’t hesitate,’ he lied as the flame burned me, making me clench his hand tighter.
‘You’re lying. I know when people lie to me, Princeling,’ I said. He looked at me quizzically but saw certainty in my eyes and opted for the truth.
‘I got distracted, it happens,’ he explained.
Not buying the excuse I said, ‘No, it does not. Not to people like us.’ I stared at him, waiting until I heard his mind speak first.
Ruhi. The same word I had heard around him since the ball was now circling the chambers of his mind.
I was exhausted at this point and no longer willing to play games, so I said something I should not have.
‘Why do you keep saying Ruhi? What does it mean?’
Demir’s eyes blazed with shock as he dropped my hand and pulled away. ‘How do you know that word?’
I could not admit that I could hear his thoughts in my mind, so I decided to convince him of falsehoods.
‘I heard you whisper it, I was curious,’ I said, instilling a hint of disinterest in my voice. His eyes widened and his nostrils flared.
‘It’s nothing you will ever need to concern yourself with. Just get some rest. I’m sure you’re exhausted.’
I truly was.
‘You’re so different. Tell me, why are you being nice to me?
’ I needed to know why the man that sat beside me, trying to comfort me as he held my hand, was nothing like the boy I had known.
I couldn’t reconcile it in my mind, least of all why I enjoyed his touch or why my skin didn’t currently crawl with disgust.
‘I’m not being nice, Princess. Trust me, this is me at my cruellest.’ Seeing the confusion on my features, he lifted his free hand and tucked one of my loose dark curls behind my ear. ‘I have never put myself through anything so cruel in my life.’
‘I suppose forcing yourself to be nice to someone you hate so much would be its own special kind of hell.’ I laughed.
His hand dropped as his eyes changed to something unreadable.
He shook his head as he glanced at our clasped hands, his brown, messy hair falling over his eyes.
I had no energy to separate them as a lightness brushed over me at his touch, which I was in desperate need of. ‘Why are you here, Princess?’
‘At the Academy? To make a statement, to show you and everyone else who I am now, not who I was. In the Observatory? Running.’ I had no reason for why I was being so honest. Maybe it was the cover of night that made me feel as though this wasn’t reality, or something primal that called to me like it had on that dance floor.
That comforting warmth in his presence lulling me into a false sense of security.
‘I know it means less than nothing coming from me, of all people, but I hope you find peace, Princess.’ He gripped my hand tighter, running his fingers in circles over my skin, soothing me. I lost myself in the sensation and fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was on a mattress with a blanket wrapped around me. I felt colder than I ever had, and it wasn’t the crisp morning air.