Chapter Sixteen Collin
I stared at my ravioli, trying to rationalize away the anxiety that was knotting up my stomach.
It was Friday night. I was at dinner with Carly, at some expensive Italian restaurant with a great jazz band and overpriced pasta.
Carly was wearing a long black dress and her hair was all pinned up like she was going to prom.
She looked beautiful, but for some reason I didn’t find her attractive at all.
Instead, there was something about her demeanor that was off, almost as if at any moment this night was going to turn into a horror movie.
I glanced up at her and she smiled at me, the same wide-eyed smile she’d been wearing all night.
In fact, it seemed everyone was smiling like that at me; the taxi driver, the waiters, the people at the table next to us, and it was kind of freaking me out.
It must be that I’m nervous about proposing, I thought, clutching the ring box in my pocket. Once this is all over, everything will feel normal again. Right?
Carly was saying something, and it took all my mental energy to concentrate on the words that were flowing rapidly out of her mouth.
“This place is amazing! Have you ever had breadsticks as soft as this? I wonder how much those chandeliers cost? I bet I could find an imitation online. I’m so glad we have the internet these days, otherwise we would all have to rely on expensive department stores for our fashion and decorating.”
I swallowed hard. Maybe Carly was nervous too, and the way she dealt with it was to talk incessantly. She had to know something was going on.
The band finished their song, and I realized that if I didn’t propose right then I’d probably pass out. I looked over at Carly, who had launched into an appraisal of the silverware.
“Hey, Carly?”
She stopped mid sentence and gazed at me, taking quick, short breaths. “Yes?”
“I need to ask you something.”
She leaned forward. “Okay.”
But just as I was pulling the engagement ring from my pocket, I noticed that the band had started playing a very jazzy version of Satellite by The Dave Matthews Band.
You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought. Of all the songs that could possibly serve as background to my proposal, it had to be one that happened to be Glory Parker’s favorite from middle school.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force Glory out of my thoughts, but the harder I tried, the more she invaded them.
She was woven so completely into my subconscious that I couldn’t escape her.
She was everywhere. And that wasn’t fair to Carly, or to any girl I dated.
Before I moved forward, I had to get over the girl I had never met.
“Collin? Collin!”
I focused back on Carly, who was staring at me with a hint of desperation in her eyes.
“What were you going to ask me?”
I exhaled and secured the ring back in my pocket. “Carly, I think we need to break up.”
I watched as her face fell, and then quickly fill with anger. “What?” She screeched, drawing the attention of a couple at the table next to us. “You brought me here to dump me?”
“No, Carly, that wasn’t my intention...”
“Then what exactly was your intention, Collin? To lead me on for a year and a half and then talk about this being a special night and make me believe that you were going to propose when actually you just wanted to break up all along and smash my heart into a million pieces?”
I opened my mouth, then closed it. When she said it that way, it really did sound awful. And unfortunately, nothing I said could make it better.
“You are a jerk, Collin Finlay!” She yelled, continuing her rant. “I can’t believe I gave up cheese for you?”
“Cheese? Why would you give up cheese?” I asked, bewildered.
“Because I love you!” She screamed, standing up. “I hope no one else ever loves you for the rest of your life!”
She stood there seething for a second, then picked up her plate and threw her chicken cacciatore squarely at my chest. She yanked her purse off of her chair, causing it to topple over, and stormed out of the restaurant.
It seemed everyone in the room was staring at me.
The band, who had apparently stopped playing to watch the spectacle, conspicuously started up with another song.
The waiter was thankfully right there, ready with the check, which I promptly paid.
After scraping chicken and pasta off my suit as best as I could, I left with everyone’s eyes on my back.
*****
I rolled over and snoozed my alarm for the third time that morning. I had band practice in 30 minutes, but I was in no mood to go. I felt like I’d been hit by a bus.
After the disaster at the restaurant the night before I had come home to shower and change, then I went to the gym for three hours to try and exercise out my frustration.
My body was sore, my brain was foggy, and I still smelled faintly of tomato sauce.
But at least I had one clear task to complete.
I dragged myself out of bed and pulled out the bottom drawer of my dresser.
I lifted out a small box that contained all of Glory Parker’s letters, letters that I couldn’t quite explain why I had kept with me all these years.
I walked out into our small kitchen and tossed them in the trash.
I couldn’t erase her that easily, but I figured it was at least a step in the right direction.
I didn’t want to be held back anymore by a childhood pen pal.
I leaned on the counter and groaned, thinking through the events of the non proposal for the hundredth time.
I was a little surprised at how Carly had lashed out.
I had never seen her lose her temper like that, but she had every right to be angry.
I had hurt her because I was still harboring feelings for Glory, and that needed to change.
I peered into Logan’s room. He had already left, probably to get an egg sandwich from the cart up the street.
I took a quick shower, got dressed, and and made my way to the subway station.
I walked into the studio 15 minutes late and expected Jeremy to yell at me, but instead he smiled and raised his hands in welcome.
“Hey! Here he is!” He exclaimed. “You must had had a very late night,” he said suggestively.
I attempted a smile. “You have no idea.”
Jeremy plowed on. “So, should we congratulate you on the engagement?”
I sighed. “Actually, we broke up.”
Marco whistled, Logan nodded, and Jeremy stared at me for a full three seconds before speaking again.
“Even better! No baggage!”
I shook my head, a little annoyed that Jeremy always tried to put a positive spin on things.
“No, really!” Jeremy continued, “Statistics show that fans are more dedicated when all members of the band are single! Especially you, Collin, you’re our poster boy.”
I buried my head in my hands while Marco and Logan groaned.
“Okay, Jeremy, let’s move on,” Logan said. “What was it that you wanted to tell us?”
Jeremy rubbed his hands together. “We’re going on a last minute tour to the western states!
I’ve spent the last few days getting all the shows together.
We leave next week!” The rest of us nodded, but we were clearly not as excited as Jeremy was.
“We’re starting in Phoenix, then we’ll go to Las Vegas, jump up to Portland, then go down to San Fransisco and end in LA. ”
“How long are we going to be in Phoenix?” I asked, trying to convince myself that it didn’t matter that we were going there.
“For a little over two weeks,” Jeremy answered. “Apparently we have a lot of fans there, so we’ve got three shows and a wedding.”
“A wedding?” Logan exclaimed. “I thought we weren’t going to do any more of those after the New Jersey incident last year.”
“I know, I know,” Jeremy responded, “but these people are paying us A TON of money.”
He told us the amount and Logan started jumping up and down like a kid at Christmas while Marco just kept saying, “no way!” over and over.
It was a sum to get excited about, but my thoughts kept wandering back to Glory, despite the fact that I had just vowed to forget about her.
Maybe it all meant something. The song at the restaurant the previous night and and the fact that we were going to be spending a considerable amount of time near her hometown almost seemed like God or the universe was pushing me toward her.
But who knew if she was even still there?
And if she was, would I have a chance at finding her?
We got on with our practice, but I was distracted.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that these things were happening for a reason.
By the time we ended I had come to a decision.
The first thing I did when I got back to my apartment was pull Glory’s letters out of the trash.
I couldn’t be sure if it was a completely rational decision, but I thought that maybe the best way to get real closure was to finally try to find the girl I had never stopped loving.