Chapter Five
As I step through the hospital doors the next day, the familiar scent greets me—a distinct blend of antiseptic and artificial cleaners laced with a hint of both hope and despair. I notice the sounds even more than the smells. People, rushing in all directions, being helpful, saving lives, and solving medical mysteries. Most days at the hospital are dark and challenging, but I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. Presbyterian Cornell accepts eight general surgery residents a year, and I’m one of them.
“Hey, girl,” Raven says as she rushes in the other direction. “George’s tonight? A bunch of the residents are going.”
“Pretty sure I’ll be there,” I say, heading in the opposite direction, and I grab her arm. “Who are you with today?”
“Rounds with Parse. You?”
“Lanson.” As if on cue, Dr. Lanson catches up to me, and I match his pace. “See you later.”
George’s is a dive bar that doesn’t fit into the vibe of the neighborhood. Everyone tells me it’s a huge hangout for the Presby staff, and Raven has been trying to get me and Myles to try it out. And tonight, we finally have the same evening off. And as Raven has reminded me, I promised that the next time that happened, I’d go out.
“Dr. Oliver.” Dr. Lanson’s voice brings me back to the present. “Keep up.”
We reach the exam room, and my eyes immediately fall on the man lying on the table, writhing in obvious distress. His face is contorted in pain, and beads of sweat drip down his forehead. My heart races as I watch him lose consciousness, his body goes limp, and his breathing becomes shallow until it stops completely.
“He’s coding,” Dr. Lanson calls out to no one in particular. “Dr. Oliver, grab the paddles.”
I rush to the defibrillator and set the amount of energy. When the paddles become fully charged, I place them over him and shock his heart. Nothing. I turn the energy amount up, and everyone stands back as I once again shock the patient, and this time, I’m able to restore sinus rhythm to him.
A nurse brings in an ultrasound machine, and Dr. Lanson further examines the patient. “He’s bleeding out. It looks like an abdominal aortic aneurysm,” Dr. Lanson says with more urgency. “Prep operating room two. Now.”
We wheel our patient to the operating room, and upon arrival, Keegan is already scrubbing in. Everything happens so quickly, from the point of diagnosis to getting the patient in the operating room where our surgery team awaits. Dr. Lanson also scrubs in and leaves me out in the hallway. I head upstairs to the observation room but can only stay for some of the surgery because I get paged to the emergency room to help with sutures.
There is rarely down time because another patient is usually waiting for us. There is always a new emergency—a new person having the worst day of their life. So much of my job is embracing the empathy I feel for these people while dissociating so I can wake up and do this all over again the next day. It’s a balance, and some days I do it better than others.
What hasn’t been surprising is how little math I’ve needed on the job. Yes, all the calculus I took is important to better understand the unknown variables in relation to a system over time. But the reality is, the only math I’ve remotely needed so far is basic arithmetic. If the patient weighs this much, then let’s give this dose. Sometimes I wonder how many people, women especially, are steered away from a career in medicine because they aren’t good at math. I can’t believe I was almost one of them.
After my shift, I meet Raven in the changing room, and she reminds me that everyone is going to George’s for a drink. I look down at my scrubs and let out a deep breath. It would feel so good to go home, put some pajamas on, watch a show, and go to bed.
“Come on.” Raven senses my hesitation. “Myles is going to meet us there too. It’ll be fun.”
“Okay.” I pull my jeans on and then slam the locker door shut. “But I can’t stay for long. This entire week is kicking my ass.”
“Not for long is better than not at all.” Raven hooks her arm in mine, and we leave the hospital and head across the street to George’s.
We walk in, and a bell attached to the door announces our arrival. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the dimly lit bar. There’s a wall full of booths, and then a few high-top tables throughout the small space. In the back is a jukebox. Raven and I see Myles at a table by himself and head in his direction.
“It’s about time you guys got cut.” Myles moves his chair to make room for us. “I’ve been here an hour already.”
Raven raises her hand when a server goes by. “It was so busy today. I can’t tell you how many rectal exams I did on the step-down unit. It was all ass, all day.”
“I mostly focused on airways in the simulation lab,” I add. “Well, after seeing a triple-A and then doing sutures for about two hours straight in the ER.”
We must not be the only people who recently finished our shifts, because groups start to file into the bar, and the bell on the door rings constantly. Raven grabs my arm and says into my ear. “Look who’s here. It’s beautiful Baldwin.”
My eyes dart up, and I spot Keegan walking in with a man and a woman. He doesn’t see me, but I watch as he sits at one of the booths by a window. He lets the woman slide in, and then he takes the end. He looks uncomfortable as his knees graze the table.
“You do see it, right?” Raven presses on. “I mean if you like that tall, dark, and handsome thing. But who likes that, right?”
“No. Nope.” If I say no enough, perhaps I’ll convince myself that I don’t see it. I take a sip of the drink the server just put on the table. “When I say I grew up with him, I literally grew up with him. Plus, I’ve sworn off men until at least my third year.”
Raven laughs and dramatically flicks her hair back, the beads in her braid hitting the back of the chair. “Why would you swear off men?”
“Let’s just say I over dated the past few years.” I shake my head thinking of all the duds I went through.
The past few years have taught me that it’s not only women who tend to fall fast—men do it too. I haven’t wanted a serious relationship because I’ve had plans for my life, and I didn’t want anyone getting in the way of those plans. Every guy I dated wanted something more serious than I was willing to give. The last guy I dated wanted me to forget about New York and try to match in the Midwest to be nearer to him. That’s where it all starts. We women compromise on something, and before we know it, the life we’re living is unrecognizable from the life we hoped for.
“Myles is so lucky that he’s already found his person.” Raven rests her head in her hands. “I’m getting sick of this dating thing.”
“I’ll be right back,” Myles says. “I’m going to play a song on the jukebox.”
“I can barely keep up with my schedule now.” I fiddle with the napkin on the table, nearly ripping it to shreds. “How can you even think about dating?”
“Maybe what I need is sexy time.” Raven’s eyes cut to her forehead, and then she puts her hand on mine and leans into me. “Don’t look now, but beautiful Baldwin is coming this way.”
I swivel in my chair as Keegan walks toward me, slowly closing the space between us. He arrives and presses his palms onto the table.
“Hey.” Keegan looks at where he was sitting in the corner, and everyone at the table glances our way. “I’m here with two of my fellows.”
“Hi.” I then look at Raven. “Dr. Baldwin. This is my friend, Dr. Raven Craik.”
Keegan puts his hand out to shake hers. “Please call me Keegan. It’s nice to meet you.”
“And call me Raven.” She gives him her best, toothy grin. “Luna has told me so much about you, Keegan.”
He glances at me, and I’m thankful George’s is so dimly lit because heat floods my face.
“Umm, Keegan.” I swivel my chair, face him, and turn my back from Raven. “I wanted to ask you. How’d our patient fare? You know, the one with the Triple-A?”
“He didn’t make it.” Keegan presses his lips into a thin line. “He got to us too late, and there was too much blood loss.”
“Oh.” I take a long blink, and when I open my eyes, Keegan continues to watch me. “That,” I begin to say, pressing my finger against my lips. “Well, that’s too bad.”
“You gave him a fighting chance, Luna,” Keegan grips the edge of the table, and his knuckles go white. “But sometimes our best isn’t good enough.”
It doesn’t feel right that I’m in a bar, listening to Myles’ jukebox choice of Texas country music while talking about a patient who didn’t make it. I know this is life, but I never want to get to a place where I can separate so much that hearing these things doesn’t affect me.
“I’m sorry.” I stare down at Keegan’s hands. He catches me looking at them. “But it’s hard for me to reconcile that I saw someone alive, and now, poof. They’re gone.”
“Oh, hi.” Myles comes back to the table and sees Keegan, who was just about to respond to me. “Dr. Baldwin. I met you yesterday when I was shadowing Dr. Parse. I’m Dr. Myles Worth.”
“Keegan.” He extends his hand, and with his other, points to Myles’ faded shirt. “So, you’re a Stanford guy?”
Myles smiles, looking down. “Only for medical school. I went to Texas for undergrad.”
Keegan moves closer to me to make room for Myles to sit. His arm presses against my body as he stands over me. Myles puts his hand in the air to get the server’s attention, and then Keegan asks, “How do you all know each other?”
“We’re roommates,” Raven says quickly. “We’re in one of the hospital-subsidized apartment buildings a few blocks away.”
“Ah.” Keegan nods his head. “I helped Luna move in, but you two hadn’t arrived yet. So, you’re the roommates.”
“And Keegan and I grew up together. We’re from the same hometown, and he and my brother are best friends,” I say.
“Speaking of your brother,” Raven says. “When do we get to meet him? I’m starting to think he doesn’t exist.”
Keegan and I glance at each other, and then I turn to Raven. “Soon, I’m sure. He’s been on call constantly, it seems.”
Raven smiles as she looks at Keegan, me, and back at him. “Three people from Cherry, Minnesota, all at the same hospital. What are the chances?”
“Yes.” I hold my hand up. “Besides the two of you, I haven’t told anyone I know Keegan personally. I don’t need Chief Resident Parse or anyone else for that matter thinking I only got my general surgery residency because of my connections.”
“If anyone says that, I’d tell them that you got the residency because you finished near the top of your class in medical school and are going to make a helluva surgeon.” Keegan only looks at me when he speaks the words.
My mouth hangs open, but before I can say anything, Raven grabs my arm. “What a sweet thing to say about Luna, Keegan.”
“Plus,” Keegan says. “Being here makes so much sense due to all the work you’ve done on disparities in healthcare.”
Weill Presbyterian Cornell was the general surgical residency program I wanted above all the others. For one year, they send their residents to Jamaica Hospital in Queens. I’ll also get to be on call at Jamaica Hospital. The injuries I’ll be able to treat are grossly different from Presby’s, and I’ll get to handle more impact wounds. The patient population is also more diverse, and that’s where my true passion lies.
“Anyway.” Keegan glances at the table he was previously at. “I should go join my colleagues.”
“Before you go.” Myles shoots up and walks to our side of the table and looks at Keegan. “I know I’m only a first year and should be contemplating all areas of surgery, but all I’ve ever wanted to do is cardiothoracic. Could I take you to coffee sometime? Pick your brain?”
My stomach churns because this is the exact scenario I’ve wanted to avoid. I don’t want Keegan to be put in a position where my friends are asking him for favors. But then he reaches into his back pocket, pulls out a wallet, and hands Myles a card.
“That would be great,” Keegan says, and his smile tells me he’s being honest. “My email address and cell are listed. Reach out anytime.”
“Thank you so much.” Myles shakes Keegan’s hand voraciously and then walks back to his side of the table.
“Thank you, Keegan.” I lean forward, and he dips his head to hear me over the music. I can smell the soap and aftershave that is part of his orbit. “Seriously.”
“Your roommates seem great.” Keegan bends even lower and his warm breath is against my skin when he speaks next. “And Luna. Don’t walk home alone.”
I turn to face Raven and Myles and face him and smile. “Me? Never.”
His lips turn up, ever so slightly, the closest thing I’ll get to a smile directed at me tonight, and he walks away.