Chapter Twenty-Eight
From: Luna Oliver [email protected]
From: Keegan Baldwin [email protected]
Date: April 2
Keegan!
From: Keegan Baldwin [email protected]
To: Luna Oliver [email protected]
Date: April 2
Hi Luna. What’s up?
From: Luna Oliver [email protected]
From: Keegan Baldwin [email protected]
Date: April 2
You never email anymore. Why?
From: Keegan Baldwin [email protected]
To: Luna Oliver [email protected]
Date: April 2
I’m really busy.
From: Luna Oliver [email protected]
From: Keegan Baldwin [email protected]
Date: April 2
As long as you’re not avoiding me.
The darkness envelops me like a shroud, suffocating me and filling me with a sense of illogical fear. I walk briskly in the direction of Keegan’s apartment, looking around me at every turn. I quicken my pace, trying to keep my eyes focused ahead, and resisting the compulsion to look over my shoulder.
Every voice, rustle of leaves, snap of a branch, or siren in the background, sends my heart racing. It’s probably not the dark that scares me, but the things people do to other people in the dark that cause me to run the last half block to Keegan’s building. Nighttime makes me remember that one night in college like it happened yesterday and not years ago. I haven’t had an episode like this in years. They always happen when I least expect them—when I think the trauma of that night no longer lives in me.
When I reach the glass front door, I have his doorman ring him, and after showing identification, I’m waved in. The elevator opens on his floor, and I don’t have to knock because Keegan stands in his doorway, waiting. He’s already changed out of his clothes and is now in one of his Cherry shirts with a pair of joggers.
His expression changes when I fully come into view after stepping out of the elevator. He pushes off the door and in one large step, is in front of me, his one hand cupping my face and his other on my shoulder.
“Luna.” Keegan turns his head to the side, studying me. “You’re pouring sweat. What’s wrong?”
All the stress from the short walk in the dark, and how affected I still am from being attacked years ago, catches up with me. I wrap my hands around his waist and bury my face into his shirt. I focus on my breathing, trying to slow it down. I hold him so tightly, that there’s going to be a Luna-sized imprint when I let go.
His hand presses into the back of my head, pushing me farther into his chest. My heart begins to regulate as his pounds against my ear. Keegan’s other hand caresses my back.
“Everything’s okay, Luna,” Keegan says. “You’re safe. I’m here.”
Keegan’s chest goes up and down with each breath, and when I’ve finally caught mine, I release my grip around his waist and step back. He grabs my hand and pulls me inside his apartment. I’m finally able to take a deep breath.
“Panic attack.” I lean against Keegan’s kitchen island and continue to focus on my breathing. Keegan goes into his freezer and pulls out a pint of ice cream. He then grabs a couple of spoons. “They come out of nowhere.”
“Color is returning to your face.” He nods at the barstools around the island. “Come here.”
Keegan grips my wrist as I sit next to him, and I know he’s taking my pulse. We doctors are never fully off-duty. Keegan takes the lid off of the ice cream and then pushes it in my direction. Mint chocolate chip. I dig my spoon into it and take a big bite, before offering some to Keegan.
“You left.” I spoon more ice cream into my mouth, and it’s cold against my tongue.
“I should have said goodbye,” Keegan says, looking into his lap. “I didn’t want to interrupt.”
With a deep sigh, I slump forward and press my palms firmly against my forehead, my fingers entwined as I bury my head in my hands. I then shake my head slowly from side to side. My hair falls messily around my face as I let out a breath.
Keegan takes another bite of ice cream, and I do the same, before securing the lid on it. I push off of the stool, grab the pint, and then bring it back to the freezer, out of sight, so I won’t be tempted to eat more.
I make my way back to where Keegan waits, anticipation etched across his face. As I draw near, he turns his body to face me, his eyes locking onto mine with a gaze. Instead of sitting, I position myself between his parted legs. Leaning forward, my fingertips graze his hair, gently brushing it back and savoring the softness of each strand. Keegan’s hands find their way to my hips, his fingers pressing against my skin as he pulls me closer.
“I’m sorry, Luna.” Keegan rubs the skin on my hips in a circular motion. “But I was in the way. And Matt was taking his shot with you. Anyway, why wouldn’t he? He’d be a fool to not try.”
He closes his eyes and swallows. “But I didn’t need to watch.”
“Keegan.” I put my hands on his upper arms.
“Dr. Theis is a decent guy, Luna,” he says. “I respect him a lot.”
“Yeah,” I say, nodding my head. “He wants us to go sightseeing together.”
“And?” Keegan’s hands drop to his side. “Do you want to?”
“Well.” I step closer and go back to running my hands through his hair. “I told Matt that there’s this boy I like, so I probably shouldn’t.”
“You like a boy?” The corners of Keegan’s lips twitch, and he pulls me closer. “I want to hear everything about this guy.”
“Well.” I shrug. “He feeds me. A lot. And good food too. From nice restaurants.”
“He feeds you?” Keegan’s chest shakes as he laughs. “Is there any more depth to him than that?”
“He’s smart.” I grip Keegan’s shoulders and then trail them down his arms until I settle my hands on the back of his muscular thighs. “He’s like this brainiac surgeon guy. At least that’s what he told me he did for a living. I can’t know for sure. It could have been a line he fed me.”
Keegan’s head falls forward with his next laugh. He rests it on my chest and wraps his arms around my waist. “He feeds you and may or may not be a surgeon. Sounds like a real keeper.”
“Correct.” I pull his chin up.
“Does he have any special skills or anything?” Keegan tilts his head.
“I don’t tell everyone this,” I whisper into his ear. “But this boy, well, he has magic fingers. You wouldn’t even believe what they’re capable of. They do so much more than just operate on people.”
“There it is.” Keegan grips my hips and lifts me onto his lap, and my legs wrap around him. “Forget feeding you and maybe being a surgeon. I would have led with magic fingers. Do not let that guy go.”
Keegan presses me into him, and I need his mouth on mine like I need to take my bra off at the end of a long shift at the hospital. With a sudden, swift movement, Keegan stands, my thighs tight around him as he carries me. My heart pounds in my chest, and I can hardly catch my breath as he pushes me against the wall. His effortless strength makes me dizzy with desire.
“I don’t plan to,” I say the words quietly into his mouth, words that at this moment, I fully mean.
Kegan responds by intensifying the kiss, his mouth parting mine.
Cold, mint chocolate chip kisses are my new favorite. We undress each other, and I run my lips along his chest, and then push Keegan back on the bed and kiss the muscles along his stomach. Everywhere Keegan touches me, a fire ignites. He flips me so I’m on my back, and he hovers over me.
“I want to show you another skill that this boy you like has,” Keegan says, pulling my pants down and tossing them on the floor.
“Wait,” I say, lifting my head. “You didn’t bring out all of your skills on our first night? I’m intrigued.”
He lifts my shirt over my head and then kisses my breast, stomach, and hip bone.
“I’ve been thinking about what you taste like all day,” Keegan says. “It’s all I’ve been able to think about.”
“Keeg—” I begin to say but find myself without words as moisture pools between my legs.
Keegan hitches his arms under my thighs, lifts my legs, and then buries his face against my core. The sensation ignites every one of my nerve endings, and I call out his name while fisting the sheets for something to hang onto.
“Luna.” Keegan presses against my thighs until they open further for him. “So sweet. I knew you would be.”
His tongue works its magic, as a finger, and then two slides inside of me. I shut my eyes, and let myself feel what he does to me. I try to clear my head and not think about where this thing with Keegan is heading. I reach down and intertwine my fingers with his as my body starts to shake until I erupt from pleasure.
“I need you,” I whimper. “In me. Now.” I say between breaths.
Keegan lowers his joggers, and I grip his hips and pull him to me.
“Luna,” Keegan says, breathily. “Condom.”
“No,” I shake my head. “Pill.”
I don’t need to tell Keegan again, as he presses into me with urgency and desire.
*****
“My mom called today.” Keegan rolls onto his side, breaks off a piece of chocolate, and hands it to me.
The covers are only pulled up to his waist, and I run my hand over his arm and then chest. I plump the pillow beneath me and then rest my head on my hand.
“Is that a good thing?”
“Honestly, I don’t know,” Keegan says. “This is our pattern. Her love and availability have always been very inconsistent.”
His fingers twist my hair into curls, and then he releases his grip. “It’s been an emotional fuck, if I’m being honest.”
“And now she’s reaching out again?” I say.
“Yeah,” Keegan says. “Almost daily. And we talk about our days, and it’s like nothing has ever happened between us.”
Keegan releases a long, slow breath, rubs his eyes, and then moves to his side. He tells me about his mom’s boyfriend she had after his dad died and how he used to beat Keegan until he was black and blue. He opens up about the drugs, alcohol, and time she’s spent in rehab. He admits that she missed every big moment in his life, including all of his graduations. I realize why I can’t even recall what Rain Baldwin looks like. She was never around.
“Forest hates her,” Keegan says, grabbing my hand and kissing it. “If he knew she was calling me again—”
“Forest probably doesn’t hate her.” I run my hand along Keegan’s jaw, and he closes his eyes and leans into my touch. He takes his hand and hooks it on my hip, bringing me closer until I’m pressed up against him. I nuzzle into the warmth of his chest.
“He just really loves you,” I say.
Keegan kisses my forehead, sits up, and leans against the backboard of his bed. He pulls the sheet up with him, and it hangs at his waist.
“I once asked your dad how many more times I should continue to forgive my mom.”
“What did he say?” I sit too and hold the sheets over my chest. Keegan extends his arm and holds me close.
“He said I should forgive my mom at least one more time than she’s hurt me.”
“That is such a Tom Oliver thing to say.”
“I have this very real fear that I’m not going to have her for long,” Keegan says. “And I need there to be peace between us. She is the only family I have left. Well, besides you guys.”
Keegan presses his palms into his eyes and then with his eyes closed, reaches for my hand.
“Luna,” Keegan says, releasing a breath. “Forest has been the best friend in the world to me. And here I am, going behind his back, and it’s so shitty and—”
“Keeg—”
“I feel sick about it.” Keegan puts his hands on my shoulders.
“I hear you,” I say. “I’ve never talked to him about guys I’ve dated. Why should I now?”
“Because it’s me,” he says. “And I know you get that important distinction.”
Keegan is right. I’m inexperienced when it comes to all of this. I haven’t had very long relationships because I’ve never met someone who seemed worthy of fitting into my life. I purposely kept dating casual, knowing that nothing was going to get in the way of me moving to the city and becoming a doctor.
Things with Keegan feel very different than with any other guy though. My desire for him to experience only good things, to be around him constantly, and to be his person is something I’ve never felt before. But what if I’m wrong? I can’t blow everything up with Forest for something that won’t last anyway.
“It’s the lying he won’t get over,” Keegan says.
I move to my side and take a deep breath before my next words. “Do you want to stop this thing between you and me before anyone finds out or gets hurt? We can take it to our graves.”
“No.” The word shoots out of Keegan’s mouth like a rock out of a slingshot, and he props himself up on his arm. “And if I’m being honest, it scares me that your default is always to end things instead of facing something difficult.”
“I’m sorry.” I inch closer to Keegan. “That’s not what I meant.”
Keegan raises an eyebrow, and I’m not sure he believes me. He is right though. Forest will never forgive the lying.
“It’s getting late,” I say, covering my yawn. “I should really get going.”
“You can stay here.” Keegan grips the sheet covering me and runs a finger along its edges. “I’d love it if you would.”
He squints his eyes, waiting for a response. I rest my hand on his face and softly kiss him.
“I would,” I say. “But all of my stuff is back at my place, and I work early tomorrow.”
Keegan nods, and I kiss him again. This time, he presses his hands along my cheekbones and deepens our kiss. He doesn’t want me to leave. I feel like I’m already disappointing him, and that thought makes me scared. There is something about being with Keegan that allows me to dream of the future I always envisioned for myself. The way he kisses and holds me makes me believe that life isn’t all about science and absolutes. I want to get lost in it, but I don’t know if I can.
“I really need to go,” I say, pulling away from his kiss.
I jump off the bed and start putting on my clothes. Keegan stands, gets dressed, and then holds his hand out to me.
“Come on,” he says, kissing the top of my hand. “I’ll walk you home.”