Nell
PRESENT
“I can’t wait to see you again,” Alex murmurs when he calls that night. “I miss you.”
To my relief, the tension that had been there between us the previous day has gone. I’d messaged him during the afternoon to tell him I was having friends over for dinner and would call him once they’d left. I’ll call you, he messaged back. Enjoy your evening. Speak later xoxo.
“I miss you too,” I say, all thoughts of breaking up with him disappearing the minute I heard his voice.
I push earbuds into my ears so that I can carry on getting ready for bed while I talk.
I’ve already brushed my teeth and I’m so tired after my sleepless night yesterday that I can’t wait to slide between the sheets.
I smooth cleanser onto my face. “Only another week to go. Will you be able to stay for two weeks, this time?”
“I thought I’d be able to but it’s not going to be possible.” He pauses, and I refrain from filling the silence by pleading with him to stay longer than his usual week. I know that if he could, he would. “But the next time I come over, I’ll be able to stay two weeks, I promise.”
The lid of the bin clangs as I throw the cotton wool inside. “We’d better make the most of the week that you are here, then,” I say, reaching for the serum I apply religiously every night.
“Don’t worry, we will.” The promise in his voice makes me smile. “So, how was your evening?”
“It was lovely. It’s been a while since I had friends over.” I’m about to mention Marcus having a thing for me, then decide not to because I don’t want to influence Alex’s impression of Marcus before he’s even met him.
“The friends I still haven’t met,” Alex says. “I’m beginning to think you’re ashamed of me. Or is it just that they don’t like Americans?”
I hear the laughter in his voice and smile. “They will love you, which is why I haven’t been in a hurry to introduce you. Once they’ve met you they’ll insist that we hang out together whenever you’re here. But I’ve promised we’ll see them when you’re back.”
“Great, but let’s make it toward the end of the week. I don’t want anyone monopolizing my precious time with you.”
“Deal. What about you, what did you do today?”
“Caught up with some friends I haven’t seen for a couple of years and talked about you nonstop.” He laughs. “I’m so besotted I even showed them your photo.”
My heart misses a beat—until I remember that I was blond back then and sixteen pounds heavier.
But what if one of his friends did recognize me?
Is that why Alex isn’t saying anything now, why he’s left a silence, so that I can fill the void with the truth?
I force myself to relax; if I have been recognized, I’ll tell the truth and accept the consequences.
I turn off the bathroom light. “I hope they approved.” I keep my voice light as I move to the bedroom and climb into bed.
“They did, very much. By the way, I spoke to my sister earlier. She said she’d invite you over this week.”
“That’s nice of her. But wouldn’t it be better to wait until you’re back on Saturday so that we can go together?”
“She and Victor are away next weekend. It’s up to you, of course. Shall I leave you to get some sleep? It must be one in the morning there.”
“It is. Can we speak again tomorrow?”
“Sure we can. Make sure you lock up properly before you go to bed.”
“I’m already in bed.” I pause. “Why did you say that?”
“Why did I say what?”
“To make sure I locked up properly.”
“I don’t know.” He sounds puzzled at my question. “Maybe because you had your friends over and it’s on my mind that they left late, and I want to be sure you’ve locked up behind them? I know how you are about making sure the house is secure.”
“I like to know that the windows and door are properly locked before I go to bed, that’s all.” I know I sound defensive but his remark, although well-intentioned, has thrown me. Now I’ll have to go downstairs and check that I did lock up properly, because what if I didn’t?
“I know, and it’s good that you’re security conscious,” Alex says. “I’m sorry, have I upset you? It wasn’t my intention. It was just a throwaway remark.”
“I’m not upset, but I am tired. Let’s speak tomorrow.”
“Okay. I’ll call you around seven your time. Good night, sleep well.”
I suppress a sigh. It seems that every time Alex and I speak on the phone, one of us says something which throws the other off-balance.
Yesterday it had been me asking him about Ariane, tonight it was him asking me if I’d locked up properly.
When we’re together, we never argue. It’s the lack of visual signals, I realize.
It’s when we have to rely on our voices alone to communicate that there are misunderstandings.
I’m about to get out of bed to check the locks when I find myself pausing.
I don’t have Facebook but I do have WhatsApp—I’d felt obliged to register when I met Romy, so that we could message each other.
It’s how Alex and I communicate, by WhatsApp.
Yet he has never called me using the video function.
Why is that? And why is it always him who calls me?
I have called him, I’ve tried to reach him on several occasions but my calls always go unanswered.
A frown knots my brow, wondering if it’s something I should worry about, wondering if I should casually mention it when he calls tomorrow.
Hey, why do we never use the video function when we speak?
And why is it always you who calls me? But I’m not sure I’ll say anything.
Besides, sometimes when Alex calls, my hair’s a mess, my eyebrows unplucked, and for now, I’m happy for him to see only the best of me.
If we’d been in a relationship for longer, if we were living together, I wouldn’t care.
But we’re still a relatively new couple and I’m happy to postpone the warts-and-all stage until further down the line.
But still. I look at the time on my phone.
It’s only five minutes since we hung up so I call Alex’s number.
He doesn’t pick up but instead of cutting the call after a dozen or so rings, like I usually do, I wait.
The call rings itself out so I close WhatsApp, find his number in my contacts and press “call.” I wait for him to answer and when that call rings itself out too, I realize something else about Alex, which is that he doesn’t have voicemail either.