Nell
PRESENT
The day after my lunch with Inès, I feel as if I’m coming down with flu.
Yesterday had been a lot. First there was the realization that I wanted a child, then the revelation that Ariane had a stalker, followed by the news that Alex was in London on Friday evening and hadn’t bothered to tell me.
There were also the flowers I found on the doorstep.
If Alex was in London on Friday, they could have been from him, he could have hand-delivered them.
But why wouldn’t he have left a note—and why would he have removed the florist’s card?
Yet they can’t have been from him because even if they hadn’t been very fresh when he bought them, they wouldn’t have reached such a state of decay in the space of a few hours.
I’ve never allowed myself to think about marriage before.
I’d always imagined a future where I would die alone, without friends, without family, and although it had frightened me, I’d accepted it because it was what I deserved.
Terrible loneliness had made me accept having friends.
But marriage? How could I even think of marriage, or having a child, after what I’d done?
Hoping that my overwhelming desire for a child was temporary, I head to Hyde Park to test myself.
But as I stroll among families out for a morning walk, I find myself gazing wistfully at the parents with babies in slings, or in backpack-like harnesses strapped to their shoulders.
Some parents are teaching their children to ride bikes, or roller-skate, but my eyes are drawn again and again to the mothers with babies.
I sit down, trying to sort through my emotions, and a young woman comes and sits next to me on the bench, carrying a tiny bundle.
“I need to feed her,” she says a little hesitantly, as if she’s worried I might object.
I give her a smile. “Go ahead,” I say, looking in wonder at the tiny face peeping out from its shawl. The mother unbuttons her coat, lifts her jumper, and puts the baby to her breast. As she begins to suck, her eyes now firmly fixed on her mother’s face, there’s a primal tugging at my own breasts.
“I’m sorry,” I say, realizing I’ve been staring. “I’d never thought about having a child until recently and now all I want is to be pregnant.”
The woman smiles. “The great thing is that nowadays, even if you don’t have a partner, you can have a child.”
“I do have a partner but I haven’t told him that I want a baby. We’ve only been together a few months.”
“Is he someone you’d like as a father for your child?”
“Yes, definitely.”
“Then, it’s better to be honest and tell him how you feel.”
I nod, my eyes back on the baby. “What’s her name?”
“Clementine.”
“That’s so pretty. How old is she?”
“Three months yesterday.”
“Is she your first?”
The woman shakes her head. “You see the little girl over there on the bike? That’s Violet, her sister.”
I look over and see a little girl on a blue tricycle, a fair-haired man by her side, encouraging her as she pedals along. “How lovely to have two daughters,” I say.
“There’s also a big brother. He’s on a playdate, so it’s just the four of us today.”
The four of us. My desire to be able to say those words is profound.
My mind races, calculating. Do I have enough time left fertility-wise to have two children?
Yes, if I have one next year when I’m thirty-seven and another before I’m forty.
Women still produce eggs at forty, and forty isn’t considered too old to have a child, not nowadays.
“I’d better get on,” I say, worried I might snatch the baby out of its mother’s arms, just to feel the warmth of its little body against mine.
“Good luck,” the woman says. “I hope it works out for you.”
I give her a smile. “Thanks.”
On my way home, I check my phone to see if I have any more missed calls from Alex. He’d called twice yesterday evening but I hadn’t picked up because I’m still annoyed that he didn’t tell me he would be in London on Friday evening.
I spend the afternoon on the sofa, turning everything over in my mind, only moving to the kitchen at the end of the day when hunger sends me there. While I’m searching in the fridge for something to put in a sandwich, Alex video calls. This time, I pick up.
“Good, I’m glad I’ve managed to get you.” Alex’s voice is warm with relief. “I called you yesterday but you must have been busy.”
“How is everything? How’s your mother?”
“She’s fine, happy that Béatrice is here too.
We had some family business to sort out—I think I told you that my grandfather died in April?
Our solicitor wanted to see us so I had to change my plans.
I ended up flying to London on Friday evening and stayed over with Béatrice.
We took the Eurostar to Paris yesterday. ”
“So you were in London on Friday?” I say, pretending surprise.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I did think about it. But I needed to talk to Béatrice ahead of our meeting with our solicitor yesterday, so I decided not to disturb you.”
“Disturb me?”
“It was a very rushed visit. I didn’t arrive at Béatrice’s until ten o’clock.”
“You could have spent the night here.”
His brow furrows. “I could have. But as I said, I needed to talk to Béatrice before our meeting with the solicitor yesterday.”
“You could have talked on the Eurostar.”
“Not about family matters.” There’s an edge to his voice followed by an uncomfortable silence and, unable to hold his gaze, I look away. “I should go,” he says. “Delphine and Stephane are due any minute and I don’t want to be on the phone when they arrive.”
I lift my head. “Stephane?”
“Yes. Delphine phoned my mother at lunchtime and said that Stephane wanted to come along tonight. My mother nearly had a heart attack. She asked Delphine if he knew that Béatrice and I would be there and she said that he did. Can you believe it, Nell? After near enough six years, I’m finally going to see him. ”
He looks so happy that I regret my petulance over his presence in London on Friday.
“That’s wonderful,” I say. “Will you let me know how it goes?”
“I’ll call you tonight, once they’ve gone. It might be late.”
“That’s fine. It’s an hour earlier here, remember. And I’m sorry about before. It was disappointment speaking.”
I find it hard to relax so I catch up on laundry and housework to fill the time until he calls.
I know it isn’t a good idea to ask him during a video call about Ariane, about his and Ariane’s plans to move to the US and get married, but I doubt I’ll be able to hold back.
It irks too much that I’ve learned these things from Inès, rather than Alex himself.
His caginess about Ariane, about his exes in general, is a huge red flag and once again, I wonder how well I really know him.
He calls at midnight, just as I’ve settled into bed in my clean and tidy house.
“I hope you weren’t asleep?” he says.
“No, I kept myself busy getting the house up to scratch. How did it go with Stephane?”
“Better than I could have hoped for.” There’s real joy in his voice.
“I can’t tell you what it was like to see him after so many years.
He was a boy the last time I saw him, now he’s a young man.
” He laughs. “He’s taller than me, something he was very pleased about.
It was a bit awkward at first. I wasn’t sure how he would react and a part of me thought he might not turn up.
But he did and although he didn’t hug me—I didn’t really expect him to—he did shake my hand.
It was good that my mother and Béatrice were there because they hadn’t seen him for years either, so I let them do most of the talking.
I was too worried I might say the wrong thing. ”
“Did you find out why he had the sudden change of heart and agreed to see you all?”
“When he and Delphine were leaving, he thanked me for having found him a solicitor—Delphine didn’t want to use our family solicitor—which was amazing because he’s never thanked me for anything before.
I think being arrested and the possibility of a prison sentence was a huge shock to him and he’s finally grown up.
At least, I hope it’s that. With Stephane, you never really know. ”
“Will you see him again before you leave?”
“I hope so. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to push it. I prefer to let him come to me.”
“I’m really happy for you,” I say.
“I’m seeing Delphine tomorrow, we’re meeting for lunch. I guess I’ll find out more then. Anyway, how are you? Have you had a good weekend?”
No, I want to say, because I discovered I want a child. And because my past is catching up with me fast.
“Yes,” I say instead. “I had lunch with Inès yesterday. She invited me over.”
“That was nice of her. Did she show you her roof terrace?”
“Yes, it’s amazing.” I hesitate, then decide to go for it. “She told me that you and Ariane were going to move to the US.”
There’s a pause at my mention of Ariane.
But he quickly adjusts. “That was our plan, yes. She told me she’d been thinking about leaving her job and she wanted to make a fresh start somewhere abroad, so I suggested we move to Washington because back then, that’s where I spent most of my time.
I thought she was bored working in finance but after she died and I discovered that she was actually working for the French secret service I wondered if it was because her job wasn’t compatible with family life.
We had talked about having children, you see. ”
My heart twists. “Right.” I want to ask him if he’d still like to have children but what if he tells me that he doesn’t?
“What else did you do?” he asks when I’ve been silent a little too long.
“Not much. Are you still planning to come here on Saturday?”
“Nothing will stop me. I should be with you around 7:00 PM.”
“Great.”
There’s another awkward silence. “Nell, is everything all right?”
“Yes, why?”
“It’s just that you don’t seem that thrilled about seeing me again.” He hides his disquiet with laughter but the furrow between his brows is back.
“I am. But there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Okay. Should I be worried?”
“No. There’s just something I need to run by you.”
“Can you run it by me now? I’m not sure I can stand the suspense.”
“Everything’s fine,” I say. “It’s late. Let’s speak again tomorrow.”