Nell
PRESENT
“I don’t want to leave you,” Alex says.
“I need to do this,” I say, turning away from him.
He catches my arm and pulls me into a hug. But I don’t respond and eventually, he lets me go.
“I don’t understand how you can stay here,” he says, his face etched with frustration.
“It’s only for one night. I need to do it, for Sadie. To say goodbye to her.”
“But why here? Why not say goodbye to her somewhere else?”
“Because it has to be here,” I say stubbornly.
Alex isn’t the only person who can’t understand how I can come back to the house where Sadie was murdered.
Béatrice and Victor—who we’ve been staying with—and my friends all feel the same.
But my story hasn’t ended yet and when it does, I want it to end here, in this house, not with a knife in my back in the street.
I want it to be on my terms. And more than that, I want to know who it is, this person who wants me dead.
In the aftermath of Sadie’s death, I told Alex everything.
He knows about my past, he knows I was once Elle Nugent and that two men died because of me.
He remembered reading about the case at the time and he said he’d felt sorry for me, because I was so young.
I don’t know if that’s true but he couldn’t believe that I’d let what I did color the rest of my life.
“I don’t care about any of it,” he said. “Anyway, you’re not that person anymore. You need to forgive yourself.”
“Even if I could, I now have Sadie’s death on my conscience.
” I wiped the never-ending stream of tears from my eyes.
“I shouldn’t have left her on her own, I should have stayed in bed next to her.
I don’t understand how I could have been so careless.
I should have moved out of here the minute DC Moss told me that my stalker wasn’t Damon Parker.
” I’d raised frightened eyes to him. “Who is it, Alex? Who is it that wants to kill me?”
He’d shaken his head. “I don’t know. But it must be someone from your past, someone connected to the Parker family.”
We’d been sitting together on the sofa in Béatrice and Victor’s sitting room, his arms tight around me. I pulled away from him.
“Has it never entered your head that it could be to do with you?” My voice had taken on an edge and he looked at me in surprise.
“With me?”
“Yes, you!” His naivety appalled me. “Your last two girlfriends are dead and now someone has tried to kill me.”
His jaw had clenched. “Caitlin’s death was a terrible accident, and Ariane was killed because of the line of work she was in.”
“You asked me why I didn’t tell you I had a stalker. Why didn’t you tell me Ariane had had a stalker? If you had, I might have told you about mine.”
“I only knew that she thought she was being followed when Inès told me, after Ariane died. I didn’t mention it to you because once I knew that she’d worked for the French secret service, I put it down to it being part of the territory, spies following spies.
And don’t forget, I was told that she’d died in the line of duty.
” He held my gaze. “Be honest, Nell. If I had told you that Ariane thought she was being followed, would you really have told me that you too thought you had a stalker?”
I hadn’t been able to lie. “No, I wouldn’t have. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to shift any blame onto you. I’m just scared. The worst part is not knowing who it is.”
He’d taken me in his arms. “From now on, I’ll always be at your side. I’ll never leave you, Nell.”
And I’d clung to him and had allowed myself to feel safe. Yet here I am, sending him away.
“Let me stay,” he pleads as we move into the hall.
“No,” I say.
“If not me, then Victor. You shouldn’t be alone.”
“I want to be alone.”
He can’t keep his frustration in. “For God’s sake, Nell, someone tried to kill you! What if they know you’re alone here tonight? What if they come for you?”
I want to tell him that’s exactly what I’m hoping.
“Please can you leave?” I say instead, his presence making me increasingly uncomfortable.
“I can’t bear the thought that I won’t see you again.” I freeze at his words. Why would he assume that we won’t see each other again unless he knows I’m going to die? “Because it’s over, isn’t it? You don’t want to be with me anymore, do you?”
I steel my heart. “No,” I say. “I’m sorry.” The look on his face breaks my heart.
He nods. “Thank you for being honest. But before I leave, can I do one last thing for you?”
“What?”
“Can I give you some pointers on how to protect yourself? Will you at least allow me to do that?”
“Yes,” I say, because if I don’t give him something, he’ll never leave.
“If they come for you, it will be in the dead of the night. So nap during the day. When you go up to bed, barricade yourself in the room and stay alert. If you hear them inside, call the police.”
“What if they come earlier, when I’m still downstairs?” I ask.
“You’ll know they’ve arrived because they’ll cut the power supply, like before.
If they’re not already inside, you’ll have time to get upstairs.
Despite the new locks, they will get in, because this person is a professional.
So, focus on getting to your bedroom where you can lock yourself in. Don’t let fear muddle your thinking.”
“What if I can’t get to my bedroom?” I say. “What if they’re already inside?”
“Scream. Use your voice. Take a deep breath and scream as loud and as long as you can. You’ll have a couple of seconds before fear numbs you. Use them well.”
“Yes, I’ll do that,” I say, to show him I’m still listening.
“If you can’t get upstairs, don’t let yourself be backed into the kitchen,” Alex says.
“But what if there isn’t anywhere else to go?”
“Then try and arm yourself with a weapon. You have knives on the workbench.”
“Okay.”
“Whatever you do, don’t let yourself be cornered at the far end of the island without a weapon because if you do, there will be no way out.”
“But what if I am?” I ask, and he grips my hands in his.
“You cannot let it happen. Do you hear me, Nell? You cannot let it happen.”
“I won’t.” There’s a silence. “But at least in the kitchen it’s never totally dark,” I say. “Because of the light well.”
“True.”
I give him a look. “How do you know all this?”
“All what?”
“What you’ve just told me. Where to go, what to do?”
A haunted look comes into his eyes. “Ariane’s murder had a terrible effect on me.
” He runs his hand over his chin, as if ashamed.
“I became afraid and wherever I was, I always worked out a plan of action in case I had an intruder. That’s why I began staying at Fifty-four Marlsborough rather than a hotel. I felt safe there.”
I nod. “I’ll be careful.”
“I love you,” he says.
And that’s the irony. He knows everything there is to know about me and he still loves me.
Accepting that there’s nothing more he can say or do, he leaves.
He doesn’t look back as he moves to the front door, nor when he pulls it shut behind him.
I wait a beat, half expecting him to come back and when he doesn’t, I sink onto the stairs, relieved to be on my own for the first time since Sadie died.