Chapter 10 #2
It was impossible to listen to one of Lola’s songs and think of anything but Lo.
Renee could almost see Lola’s thin, skilled fingers picking out the notes on her guitar, how her eyes crinkled when she laughed, how she sat with her knees pulled to her chest when she was tired.
How that smile of hers was sometimes a mask, sometimes armor, but when it was genuine, it felt like a blessing.
Most of all, Renee wondered who Lola’s songs were about.
Renee had done her research, under the supervision of Kadijah, who was still sending her old interviews and YouTube explainers.
The cultish Lo-Lites were devoted to analyzing Lola’s lyrics for revelatory details and easter eggs about her life.
Lo-Lites were consumed with matching names to songs.
A lyric mentioned flannel, and they’d find a photo of some indie musician wearing plaid while holding Lola’s hand.
She’d sing about a Mendocino sunset, and they’d unearth an Instagram post geotagged at Sea Ranch, when she was briefly linked to some comedian.
Renee consumed this information academically.
It didn’t make her jealous to think of these men with Lola, who was obviously too good for them.
She didn’t wonder how Lola behaved in their presence, if she was Lola Gray or Renee’s Lo.
She didn’t contemplate what other NDAs might be floating around, whose names were hastily scribbled on those contracts, or what gender of people those names were attached to.
If any of these thoughts arose in Renee’s mind, it was in some dusty and easily ignored back corner.
While Renee avoided any curiosity on that final point—the gender of Lola’s lovers—some Lo-Lites were consumed with it: the #LavaTruthers.
Lyrics like I’m the cat that got the cream , from “Just Between Us,” a non-album single released after Wild Heart , were canonized as crystal clear evidence of a relationship with a woman—specifically Ava Andreesen.
Any time Lola sported an outfit short of full femme glamour, or was photographed in blue-and-pink bisexual lighting, or wore her nails short, the LavaTruthers entered it into their catalog of evidence.
Lola had not mentioned Ava to Renee. She had mentioned that she had known she was bisexual in high school, which was extremely interesting.
That meant that the songs on Lola’s first album—written when Lola was still living next door to Renee and before her first boyfriend, Kyte—could have been about girls.
Which girls, was the question. Lola had probably crushed on a straight cheerleader, or someone from the child-pageant circuit, or that hot forward from the Fellows High girls’ soccer team. Renee wished she had her junior yearbook. It would be more helpful than any gossip site.
Renee’s favorite song from that first album, “Star Sign,” began to play.
I want to be closer to you ,
But what else is new?
Renee rolled over and pressed her face into a pillow. The fact that she adored this song was among the biggest surprises of the last few very surprise-filled weeks.
The melody was compulsively listenable, but the lyrics felt visceral and real.
“Star Sign” was about waiting for a signal that your crush liked you back.
The lyrics alluded to the night sky and waiting for a falling star.
The song always stirred an emotion that Renee couldn’t quite name—longing?
Nostalgia? It made her think of one of the last times she and Lola had spent together, just before Lola left for You’re Next!
Their physics teacher offered extra credit to anyone who watched a mid-February meteor shower.
She and Lola had stayed up until 2 a.m. drinking Red Bull and hot chocolate in Renee’s living room, then huddled together against the cold, their boots squeaking on the snow, as stars fell to earth like confetti.
It was unreal that a seventeen-year-old had written a song that unearthed memories that Renee hadn’t realized she’d forgotten. Memories Lola had probably forgotten too.
“Star Sign” built to a cathartic bridge that was nearly impossible not to sing along to.
When Lola’s voice loosed all that pent-up desire into the line You were watching the stars, but I was watching you , Renee got chills.
After the bridge, true to Lola’s romantic bent, her crush saw the sign they needed and realized they wanted Lola all along.
It made Renee wish that she had really been part of Lola’s life back then, instead of being such a self-obsessed dick.
While Lola had been sitting in her bedroom—the same bedroom that Renee had in her own identical house—writing lyrics with a wisdom beyond her years, Renee had probably been getting into a fight with her mom and punching the wall so hard she pockmarked the plaster.
Not that she’d done that so often, but she had lost her temper a lot as a teenager.
If she’d been closer to Lola back then, Renee would already know who “Star Sign” was about.
Maybe that was the problem: Renee didn’t know Lola well enough anymore for her to open up on camera.
Today, reminding her of that story about the national anthem had gotten her laughing at herself.
If Renee wanted more of that, relying on their shared past wouldn’t be enough. She needed to get closer to Lola now .
Renee reached for her phone.