Chapter 25 #2
Renee remembered that feeling. She had only been able to get through forty-five minutes of her last Fall Reception, most of which she spent slamming plastic cups of red wine, until she spilled one down the front of her favorite sweater.
She’d fled with several mini chocolate eclairs wrapped in a napkin in her jacket pocket.
But today she was wearing a designer suit, the pockets of which would never be sullied by miniature pastries. When she saw Lola later, Renee wanted to say that she hadn’t let herself be intimidated.
“Do I spy Renee Feldman, my star student?” Dragan said. His face was ruddy from the rakija he always insisted everyone sample at the party. “You made it!”
Renee accepted his cheek kisses. “Last-minute change of plans. We’re shooting in the city this week.”
Dragan took her by the arm. “I have some friends of the institute to introduce you to, but while I have you, I am expecting an update before the end of the month. Resolving some of those issues we talked about—finding the purpose, making sure you’re creating something with meaning, yes?
Remember, it’s not only your reputation attached to this film. It’s the program’s and mine .”
“You can trust me,” Renee said. “We’re sorting out final details with Lola’s management. I’ll have news soon.”
“Wonderful! Now, there are a few agents here …”
D RAGAN INTRODUCED R ENEE as one of the up-and-coming stars of the program.
Renee wished she’d been able to take notes on all the names, which adopted a leave no trace policy during their brief time inside her brain.
Whenever Dragan dropped that Renee was making a film about the pop star Lola Gray, someone would recall that their daughter or niece was an enormous fan, as were all of the daughter’s or niece’s friends—actually, they were all rather obsessed with her!
When they asked for more details, Renee hedged: exciting new ideas this, reinvention of the subgenre that.
It felt bizarre to talk about her unvarnished approach to biographical filmmaking , when the film’s new direction wasn’t greenlit, but everyone took Renee’s bullshit at face value.
An hour later, her pockets were packed—not with mini eclairs, but with business cards; she had never thought to make her own.
She vowed to update her website, assuming she hadn’t let the domain name expire.
Eventually, the editor whom Renee had been chatting with stepped away and she had a moment alone to refocus.
She should have been feeling good. She wanted to be feeling good.
She’d been celebrated, bragged about, introduced to the most prestigious friends of the institute.
Instead, her stomach was sickly clenched, and it wasn’t from Dragan’s rakija.
Everyone seemed to be expecting her work to be great—for Renee to be great.
But the truth was, Renee didn’t really have a film yet.
Everything was riding on Lola.
“Renee? Hi!”
Renee turned to see two members of her old cohort, Meredith Shay and Steven Lombardi. They awkwardly hugged hello. They’d graduated the previous May. Renee hadn’t spoken to either of them in a year and a half.
“We were so happy to hear you were back in the program,” Steven said.
Before Renee’s surprise at that could fully sink in—neither of them had been big Renee Feldman fans—Meredith said, “Tell us about this huge thesis project you’re working on. Some celebrity documentary?”
Renee steadied herself. Yes, these people had eviscerated her work before, but maybe that was water under the bridge.
“It’s a documentary about the singer Lola Gray, as she records her next album,” Renee said. The phrase was now well-rehearsed.
“Wow, that’s huge ,” Meredith said, then chased her words with a sip of her martini. “How did you even get in the room for a job like that?”
“Good luck, mainly,” Renee said with a self-deprecating laugh. “Lola and I grew up together.”
Meredith and Steven exchanged a look clearly signaling that furious activity in the cohort group text was in the near future. Already, Renee could practically hear them bitching about her unearned opportunity while wishing they had the same connections.
“I can’t wait to see what you do,” Meredith said. “It’s always so interesting when one of these big celebs tries to show some depth.”
Renee bristled, thinking back to the dinner with Lola’s friends.
All of those women had plenty of depth. But she didn’t snap at Meredith.
Instead, she summoned some of Lola’s poise.
“Exactly. It’s so challenging for women in the public eye.
Their stories get misrepresented all the time. Lola wants to take back the narrative.”
“I thought Lola Gray wrote all her own songs,” Steven countered. “Who’s she taking the narrative back from?”
“You’ll see in the film,” Renee said evenly. “Even famous women are embedded in power dynamics. Just because you don’t understand them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
Meredith finished off her martini. “I’m glad we’re finally getting a film explaining how hot, cis, straight white girls are the true victims of a system that celebrates hot, cis, straight white girls, because you’re right, I don’t understand it.”
“Oh my god, stop!” Steven swatted Meredith on the shoulder. “We’re all dying to see what you do, Renee. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, right?”
“Right.” Renee swallowed hard.
“It could totally make your career.”
“I know.”
“And I thought my thesis was stressful! But, like, no pressure!”
Steven and Meredith laughed. Once, their needling would have sent Renee directly into an anxiety spiral.
Even now, she felt the rattle starting in her chest. But she willed herself above it and thought of Lola, her story and her faith in Renee.
Steven and Meredith were jealous, and that wasn’t Renee’s problem.
After all, it would only get worse once they saw her work.
“It’s been great catching up,” Renee said. “But I have another engagement to get to.”